


If anyone fucks with you, I’ll knock their teeth out

by Applesaucedip



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Aged-Up Character(s), Alternate Universe - College/University, Bokuto Koutarou & Kuroo Tetsurou are Bros, Eventual Smut, Gender Dysphoria, Hockey Player Kuroo, Homophobia, Ice hockey player Bokuto koutarou, Loss of Virginity, M/M, Trans Akaashi Keiji, Trans Male Character, Transphobia, hockey player bokuto, mention of orthorexia, virgin Bokuto
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-08-19
Updated: 2021-01-31
Packaged: 2021-03-05 23:07:05
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 45,944
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25983313
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Applesaucedip/pseuds/Applesaucedip
Summary: Bokuto didn't miss the longing stare he got from the stands, did he know the man that was staring at him so intensely? He doesn’t recognize the dark blue eyes and messy black hair but he wished he did. Every game he’s played on his college team last year he noticed the same man, the same stare that caught his attention.-Akaashi played on the girls team his whole life and quit once he started his transition. It was the hardest decision of his life. He absolutely adored the sport, but considering the circumstances he was too intimidated to play the sport ever again. It never stopped him from living vicariously through the games he watched, the games he wished he could have played.
Relationships: Akaashi Keiji/Bokuto Koutarou, Kozume Kenma/Kuroo Tetsurou
Comments: 70
Kudos: 155





	1. a lot of guts

**Author's Note:**

> Not me only writing anime boys in the experiences ive had

The icy air clashed against Bokuto's face. The sweat dripping down his temples fell rapidly as he saw an opening being cleared from the opposing team. He was a defence but his offensive plays were what he was known for. The puck on the blade of his stick was being handled gracefully through the few players that decided to opt out of a shift change. He utilised the boards as he passed it around the other teams defence and retrieved it after slightly checking the opposing team member into the boards. His lungs were gasping for the cold air, adrenaline was rushing through his veins as he approached the other team’s zone. The home team’s goalie was challenging him, standing about a foot out of the crease. He zoned into the gap between the goalies glove hand and his body before taking a shot. It gained air and with a final push Bokuto skated quickly to where he could see a rebound shot show itself. The goalie fell down into a butterfly, the puck hitting the bottom edge of the goalie's glove and right into Bokuto's stick. He pushed his stick in the direction of the goal line slightly stepping into the goalies crease. The goalie fell to the side in an attempt to cover the puck which was making its way quickly past the red line on the ice. It fully passed the line before the Goalie covered it with his glove and pulled it out of the net. The referee blew the whistle and extended a ridgid arm towards the net signaling a goal. Bokuto fell down to one knee, the other gliding straight into a crowd of his four other teammates as he pumped his fist in celebration. The boys howled in celebration along with the rowdy defence. 

“That’s our captain for you!” One of the boys said loudly as they skated to the bench where Bokuto jumped over the boards as his other teammate patted his head and took his position for a face off. There were two minutes left in the third period, he grabbed his water bottle from the ledge of the boards and lifted the bottle to his mouth before squirting a bit in his mouth. He gargled the water and spat it back out as to refresh his mouth but not get a cramp for when he goes on for the last minute of the game. His goal made the score 2-1 in their favour. All they had to do now was keep the puck in the other teams zone and apply pressure to the other team. Bokuto stood up once he regained his breath and felt a pat on his butt he looked over to the culprit and saw his best friend Kuroo smirking up at him. The boy was a left winger but was often not in the starting line up and found himself next to the defense players. Wingers and centres being on one end of the bench and defense on the other side. 

“That was kinda sexy, dude,” Kuroo said, standing up next to him.

“You’re kinda sexy, dude,” Bokuto winked at him. 

“Bokuto!” The defense on the ice screamed signaling a shift change, Bokuto swung one leg over the boards before hopping onto the ice and rushing towards the play. 45 seconds passed and the buzzer rang signaling the end of the game. Bokuto skated at full speed back to their end of the ice and hopped into the goalies outstretched arms. The force caused the goalie to fall flat on his butt and Bokuto falling on top of him, they both laughed as they stood up to huddle with the rest of the team before they all let out a cheer to celebrate their win. They lined up at the centre of the ice giving high fives to all the players on the other team before turning and high fiving the coaches. They all left the ice and made their way to the changing room. Bokuto didn't miss the longing stare he got from the stands, did he know the man that was staring at him so intensely? He doesn’t recognize the dark blue eyes and messy black hair but he wished he did. Every game he’s played on his college team last year he noticed the same man, the same stare that caught his attention.

Kuroo broke his train of thought by slinging an arm around his friends shoulders, “On top of your game as usual, Bo. Let's go grab some drinks after we get cleaned up,” 

Bokuto nodded his head and continued the walk to the room. Before everyone started getting out of their gear the Coach came in and gave a few praises along with a few things he noticed the team needed to work on next practice. As he left they all let out a cheer again. It was their first official match of the college year. They’ve been training non stop the past few months, both on and off ice in order to keep their ranking as the number one college team. It was Bokuto’s dream college to get into. He worked his ass off to get here on a full scholarship. He had just started his second year and was already promoted to captain after the fourth year student captain graduated. Several of his teammates remarked Bokuto’s break away making him bashful. No matter how much work he had put into this sport, the amount of blood sweat and tears he poured into practice he never got used to the flooding comments on his plays, “Y’all shut up his heads gonna get way too big,” Kuroo snickered as he threw a small ball of tape he previously had wrapped around his shin pads, at the blushing captain. 

Conversation died down and Bokuto turned to Kuroo who was bent over untying his skates, “Dude,” Bokuto whined. Kuroo looked up at him with raised eyebrows urging him to explain his whining, “I wanna get laid,” 

“I'm sure you got college groupies begging outside the changing room right now,” He laughed. Bokuto rolled his eyes and hung his head before following Kuroo’s actions and untying his skates. Bokuto knew he had many girls waiting to pounce on him. He was the type to catch a lot of girls but he didn’t like hooking up with random people, especially girls. Bokuto was very aware of his sexuality, ever since a young age. His sexual confusion started very young, he was always in locker rooms with hot sweaty guys, it was hard to avoid the early confrontation he had to have with himself to make sure not to stare at the boys changing. Because of his environment, being surrounded by fit guys, he had tried to repress his sexuality and has yet to ever be in a relationship. Not one soul knew he was gay. Not even his best friend Kuroo. He knew how a lot of hockey guys were _very_ straight. Unfortunately, he also was aware of the homophobia that was very prominent in the dressing room.

The two boys who sat beside Kuroo must’ve overheard Kuroo and Bokuto’s conversation because not soon after one of them spoke up, “Bo stop being a horn dog and take a shower with us, that’ll sure put you off for a couple months,” 

“Woah do you really wanna take that risk Ryu? Who knows, maybe he’s so desperate he’ll stick it in one of us,” The boys laughed before taking out their clean towels and shower shoes for their shower. Bokuto hid the annoyance from the comment deep down and laughed along with the rest of his teammates.

“I may be horny but I’ll never get that horny, especially for you two,” Bokuto fake gagged. He played up his best straight character. He grabbed his shower gear, oblivious to the look of annoyance on Kuroos face, “Kuro, you coming?” Kuroo hummed in response pulling off his jock and grabbing his shower bag before and headed towards the shower.

The shower was an open cube with five shower heads, they each started up the shower before stripping nude and hopping in. One of the two boys, Ryu, snuck a peak at Kuroo before whistling, “Didn't you say you had a tiny girlfriend, god I pray for her,” He snickered holding his hands in a prayer motion. Bokuto looked at the ceiling facing the shower head so as to not get a glimpse of his best friend's junk. Despite the talk of Kuroo’s supposed girlfriend, Bokuto has never met her. Sure he’s seen a couple pictures here and there but it was definitely a little suspicious. All the pictures he’s seen never really add up, some photos show the frail girl in glammed up girly dresses with long hair and other pictures Kuroo showed him were shots from the back of her. The back shot photos depict a very different image, she is still small and frail by appearance but her hair is half the length than the other photos and she's dressed quite masculine. 

After everyone packed up their belongings they left the changing room making idle chatter. Bokuto was barely listening to what his teammates were talking about and looked around the crowded lobby for the man he spotted earlier in the stands. Just as they were making their way to the doors thanking all the college students who shouted at them that they played well he saw him. He was wearing a long black coat and was talking to someone on the phone near the doors of the arena. Bokuto looked him up and down before shifting his hockey bag onto his other shoulder and fiddled with the tape on his sticks. Nervousness bubbled up inside him as he was contemplating talking to him. He let out a breath before straightening his posture gathering up the courage to talk to the man. Just before he could take a step Kuroo yanked on his shoulder turning him towards a brunette girl with long brown hair and a glint in her eyes. Bokuto looked her once over and looked back at Kuroo with confusion, “She wanted to introduce herself to you but you weren’t paying attention,” Kuroo clarified, making the girl smirk and eye Bokuto top to bottom. He felt his gut clench and he pushed back his comfort with a charming smile. 

“Murata Ran,” she smiled slyly introducing herself. 

“Nice to meet you, Murata, I’m Bokuto Koutarou,” he said politely. 

“Alright, I’ll give you two a minute, I'll be out by the car Bo,” Kuroo said, patting his back. Kuroo walked towards the front door of the lobby where the nameless man still stood looking out the window for what he assumed was a ride. 

“You played so well out there, Bokuto,” She said as she reached out to touch his bicep in a flirtatious manner. He stuttered and pulled back from the touch. She looked dejected as he only said thank you quietly in response, “You seem to want to get back to your friend,” She said pouting, “Here’s my number if you ever want to come over to mine for a couple of drinks,” She reached out to his hand and slipped a small post-it note into his palm, “Call me, alright, babe?” 

“Alright then,” He said bashfully, he knew full well he would never call her, as she did most girls who threw themselves onto him. She traced a finger across his chest softly and ran a hand down his arms as she walked away meeting with a couple of her friends. He looked over to where the man was earlier and saw him staring Bokuto down before he looked away quickly avoiding eye contact. He shook his head before turning to the doors and made his way to the man who was now outside of the arena on the bench. He had his phone turned off in his lap and stared at it as his right leg was bouncing nervously. Bokuto didn’t have any time to get nervous as his feet were automatically drawn to and moving towards the college student, “Hey,” He spoke louder than he intended. The loud voice caused the black haired man to freeze and stand up quickly. He bowed politely before walking away from the bench. Had his voice come out as rude? He didn't mean to scare off the boy, maybe he was just skittish, “Wait,” Bokuto called as the other was walking in the opposite direction. He turned around to face the hockey player, his blue eyes wide with what Bokuto could only place as fear, “I didn’t mean to startle you,” Bokuto said, scratching the back of his neck. The boy shook his head quietly. Bokuto couldn’t help but think he was a bit off, acting weird, maybe suspicious, “Do you know someone on the team?” He asked. Before the other man could respond he continued, “I’ve seen you many times at the games but I never see you talk to any of my teammates after the game,” 

“Oh, no, I just… I like watching,” _you,_ the man's brain filled in as the hockey player took a step closer to him. 

“Do you go her-” Bokuto was cut off by Kuroo rolling up beside him in his car. 

“Hey loser, hurry up,” Kuroo said with the windows down. Before anyone could say anything the man with gorgeous blue eyes bowed and scurried away from the interaction. Bokuto sighed and looked at Kuroo, “What did I scare him off? Who was that?” 

Bokuto rolled his eyes and walked to the back of the car before Kuroo popped the trunk allowing Bokuto to throw his equipment into the car along with his sticks. When he sat in the car he turned to his confused black haired friend, “I didn't even get his name,” Bokuto sighed.

“Alright, someone needs a drink, let's go back to my dorm,” Kuroo put the car into drive and drove safely back to the dorms. They lived in separate dorm rooms but on the same floor making it easier to see each other often. Kuroo and Bokuto met in their second year of high school. They went to separate high schools but ended up playing in the same competitive league outside of school. It took a lot of convincing on Bokuto’s part to get Kuroo to apply to the same college as him. Bokuto was scouted by the college making it easy to be accepted whereas Kuroo worked his ass off and applied several times to the college before they eventually decided to keep him in their line of view for scouting. Luckily Bokuto had connections and helped Kuroo get the recognition he deserved. He still might not be in the starting line up, but many first and second years aren’t right off the bat. Kuroo knew this and used it as an advantage to build his skill and work on things behind the scene so he would be well prepared to show off his skills at an exhibition game to show the coaches his development. His biggest hope was to be in the starting line up next year alongside his best friend. 

As they entered Kuroo’s surprisingly organized dorm room Bokuto headed straight to the fridge and opened a beer. The night went on easily, they were both getting a little drunk as they knew they didn't have classes or any hard training tomorrow morning, “She was wearing extensions, right?” Kuroo laughed, telling a story about his girlfriend, “But I totally forgot I was so caught up in the moment Ijust- fucking ripped half of them out. When I tell you my heart dropped to the floor in fear bro,” 

“Ah man, you’re the worst boyfriend ever,” Bokuto howled with laughed, “The poor girl must’ve been humiliated,”

“Nah he barely flinched, he's so awesome and amazing,” Kuroo marveled with his chin in his hands, not even noticing the slip up of his so called girlfriends pronouns. 

Bokuto paused after hearing it, he looked at Kuroo with raised eyebrows, “He?” Panic rushed through Kuroo and he stuttered to make up an excuse, “Bro, breathe, calm down,” Bokuto’s eyes were wide as he watched his best friend seemingly go through the five stages of grief. After a couple seconds of Kuroo regulating his breathing, looking anywhere but the captain in front of him.

“I’m sorry, i- lied to you this whole time,” Kuroo said with his face buried deep in his hands. His drink long forgotten about, “I’m gay. I don't have a girlfriend, _his_ name is Kenma, my boyfriend,” Kuroo flinched at the sound of Bokuto placing his drink on the table in front of him. Bokuto couldn't understand the feelings he was having right now, relief? Confusion? All he knew is that he had to comfort his friend. He obviously didn't know how hard it was to come out since he has yet to ever talk about the subject with anyone but he could tell Kuroo wasn’t doing so well at regulating his emotions right now, especially with all the alcohol in his blood. 

“Kuroo, um, can you look at me?” Bokuto asked unsure of what he was going to get out of that. Kuroo let out a shaky sigh and looked up with a nervous glance to his best friend, “Hey, I'm glad you told me. It took a lot of guts, man. I don't care who you date, as long as my best friend is happy, you hear me?” Bokuto knew it was a generic response, but with a few drinks buzzing through him, he couldn’t find a care in the world to combat the sappiness. Kuroo looked down at his legs, avoiding eye contact, “Tell me about him,” Bokuto urged him on. The news was shocking to him but he knew he shouldn't comment on the shock or the confusion he felt right now. What Kuroo needed was an open minded friend that was willing to listen to him. Bokuto racked his brain for everything his friend had already shared about his girlfriend, well boyfriend, as he now knew. He realized the only time he really talked about him was when recounting funny stories they shared. 

Kuroo looked up, unsure of how Bokuto was truly handling the bomb he dropped, “He was my childhood friend,” He said slowly, feeling his shoulders lose some of his tension. 

Bokuto’s mouth flew open in realization, “ _Kenma_ is the childhood friend?” Bokuto exclaimed, earning a small flinch from the flustered man. 

“Yes… He’s a drag queen, as you might have been able to piece together through the photos I've shown you,” The gears in Bokuto’s mind were aligned and working perfectly now, lubed up to perfection, working in tandem as everything fell into place. The holes in Kuroo’s stories seem to suddenly patch up with ease. As Kuroo told him everything, from the first time they met, to their confessions and to where they are now, Bokuto listened respectfully. He let his friend rant about how hard it was to keep it from him and thinking about how he wasn't sure of the reaction he would get. “The weight on my chest has never been so light,” Kuroo said before reaching to his neglected beer which was now flat and room temperature. 

“Wow, dude, I’m speechless,” he spoke quietly, before Bokuto could even fathom what to say, Kuroo’s phone rang. 

“Hi babe,” Kuroo said with a soft smile. The look on Bokuto's friend's face was enough confirmation that his friend was in loving hands. The expression made Bokuto's heart soar and ache with happiness and jealousy. He wasn’t jealous over Kuroo; he knew that much, he was jealous over the fact he was in a happy relationship, something he feared he would never be able to experience, “Bokuto is over right now, I told him about us,” Bokuto sent him a reassuring smile and Kuroo bashfully looked down, “Yeah, yeah I know. I trust him,” 

Bokuto looked at the man he sat across and heard a pause on the other end of the line. Bokuto felt Kuroo’s nerves grow and he whispered, making sure the microphone wouldn't be able to pick it up, “Should I leave?” Kuroo looked up and shook his head, waving him off with his free hand. Bokuto took a sip of alcohol and decided to go on his own phone to give his friend space as he talked to his boyfriend who sounded worried on the other end of the line. As Kuroo hung up the phone Bokuto looked up, “Everything alright?” He asked, setting his phone down. 

“Oh, yeah. Kenma’s just worried about it all coming out to the team. I’ve told him about the homophobic remarks that has been thrown around the dressing room and he tends to worry about what they would think if everyone found out. We both keep the relationship very hidden, him claiming he didn't want it to affect my chances of being on the starting line up,” Kuroo shrugged. Bokuto mumbled about how cute it was that Kenma cared so deeply for him and Kuroo chuckled, “He’s often very passive, not showing his emotions outside of his drag persona. When you meet him you’ll definitely see how withdrawn he is. I didn't know he did drag for about three years before I found some outfits in his closet he had been hiding from me. You’ll really understand my shock once you meet him. He’s so far from what you imagine a drag queen to be out of drag. He’s not flamboyant or loud which is often depicted, he’s so attached to his games and likes wearing masculine clothing outside,” Kuroo ranted about his boyfriend. Bokuto assumed this was the first time he’s really been able to freely talk about his boyfriend and the joy it brought Bokuto was enough to cause tears forming in his eyes.

“Bro! You’re adorable when talking about him. You must love him a lot… And what's this about me meeting him?” Bokuto wiggled his eyebrows. 

“Only if you want of course! I don't want to make you uncomfortable or anything, but he really does mean a lot to me… You do too of course, it would just mean a lot, to me…” Kuroo felt heat rising to his cheeks. He felt extremely embarrassed about having to explain himself, “I know that a lot of people are still uncomfortable around gay guys, so having two gay guys around you would probably be a new experience,” 

Bokuto tried to hold back his own confession as he shook his head vigorously, “Do you really think im homophobic?” Bokuto felt hurt by the insinuation, “Listen i'm going to be your biggest ally from here on out, okay? The way you talk about him makes me so happy for you. Like, _so_ happy for you. You guys seem serious and I'm glad you have him. I’m going to beat up anyone who tries to degrade you for being gay or whatever, I’m tired of those homophobic guys on our team, okay? I'm going to put my foot down to them now and show them who their captain is,”

“You’ve said some remarks yourself, Bokuto,” Kuroo said quietly, keeping his head down.

“Because I was just trying to fit in, but now that I see how much it affects you... It just really bothers me okay? The hockey team is suppose to be there for eachother and make it feel like a safe place, if you’re ever uncomfortable with what they say i’ll bring it up to coach and show them it’s not fucking okay!” Bokuto’s ears were turning red from rage. Kuroo just looked at him with surprise, “I’m sorry. I'm getting really heated. You shouldn’t have to feel ashamed for who you are and who you love Kuroo. I’m sorry I'm only now doing this because I found out… I’ve just been too scared to bring it all up before…” 

“Bokuto…” Kuroo started, “It means a lot it really does… I’m scared that people might take it the wrong way and start calling you gay and shit because of me… Maybe we’ve drank a bit much, let's talk about it when we’re more sobered up, okay?” Kuroo was obviously nervous with the whole ordeal. Bokuto just wanted to tell him right then and there about how it wasn't just him who felt unsafe about being himself whenever the team was together but he knew how much Kuroo must have going through his head at the moment. He just came out to his best friend who has outwardly made gay or homophobic jokes in front of him. He knew how bad that could come off, especially if everyone thought he was straight, which he was far from. 

Bokuto let out a huff and chugged the rest of his beverage, “I care about you a lot, man. You telling me about Kenma, means a lot to me, I hope you know that,” Kuroo smiled to himself. He knew he had one of the best friends he could ask for. 

The next morning Bokuto woke up in his own bed, he felt the empty sheets next to him and longed for someone to wake up next to. He wanted a boyfriend so badly. He sat up and ran his fingers through his hair before slamming a fist onto the mattress between his legs. He felt so helpless when it came to finding a boyfriend. Everyone he was friends with were snotty straight guys as far as he knew (Kuroo excepted). His lack of knowledge and experience in the gay dating field was annoying. He knew he would be such a great boyfriend, he would be so understanding and respectful to whoever he ended up with. It was frustrating since he had no one to give his love to. He didn't even know how to go abouts getting into a relationship. He knew there were several dating apps he could easily get but he knew from his very little knowledge that most people are looking for hookups. Maybe if Bokuto had already lost his virginity, like most of his peers, he wouldn’t be so opposed to the idea of hook ups but he wanted his first time to mean something. Call him a sap all you want but he knew what he wanted and he definitely didn't want his inexperienced ass out there not knowing what he was doing with some senior in the field. Another con from going on gay dating apps would be the possible outing of his sexuality. Since he lived in dorms he was sure he would see people from his school, and even if he didn’t know them doesn’t mean they didn't know him. He was the captain of the top college hockey team, people from across the country knew him. He's done a couple interviews for the college news last year when it was announced he was going to be the captain. If anyone recognized him he was sure there would be several rumors going around the school. 

Bokuto threw on his muscle shirt and walked to the small kitchenette he had in his dorm room and made himself a smoothie with extra protein. Even though it was his day off from training he knew his diet had to constantly be in top peek. He rarely drank as much as he did last night knowing it wasn’t ideal for his body and performance, he would take the next day to work on eating extra protein and healthy foods with the addition of his own home routine. He was diagnosed with orthorexia when he was fourteen years old. He blamed his parents for putting so much stress on food and his body but since then he’s learned and recovered to a place where he was okay with eating what he considered ‘unhealthy’ foods without blowing him into a spiral of unhealthy habits. Of course some habits pop up often due to the fact he was literally forced to follow a strict diet to maintain his physique and athletic capabilities. He hated how much he would fall back into the rituals but he acknowledged them as something he knew he shouldn’t be doing and pushed himself to not rely too hard on the diets he’s been on. 

He sat on his yoga mat doing a few stretches and humming along to the music which was playing on his speaker next to him while finishing his smoothie. After ten minutes of stretching he felt loose enough for his daily run and headed out the door with his earphones in. He ran a couple miles around campus before he saw a familiar face, the boy from the game. He slowed down and made sure his eyes weren't deceiving him. The blue eyed man was sat at a bench outside of a building Bokuto himself didn't have any classes in. He was wearing the same coat as yesterday along with blue jeans and a maroon top. The nameless man was reading a book with his legs crossed and earphones in his ears. Bokuto slowed his running and caught his own breath before walking up to him, “Hey,” He said, pulling out one earphone. The man didn’t notice the hockey player standing in front of him so Bokuto waved a hand over the book to catch his attention. The smaller of the two jumped and closed the book quickly looking up with startled eyes. Bokuto backed up a bit with a nervous smile. The man looked the hockey player up and down and gulped audibly. His feet stayed planted as if he could get up and run away as soon as he was given the chance, “Sorry man,” Bokuto said sheepishly as the other took out one of his earphones, “I didn't catch your name the other night,”

“Oh, Akaashi Keiji,” He said standing up pulling the bag to this side. Akaashi stood at Bokuto taking in the man's appearance. He was so handsome, his muscles bulging from his muscle shirt made his throat run dry. The shirt was sticking tightly to his abdomen from the sweat that he was covered in. 

“Bokuto Koutarou,” He replied with a smile, “What are you doing at school on a saturday?” He asked before Akaashi could run away like the other night. He noticed the way he was practically folded onto himself, shy, reserved. Bokuto had no clue why he was so drawn to the man, he was clearly uncomfortable with his presence but he couldn't help but want to get to know him better. 

“It’s quiet,” Akaashi said looking up to finally meet Bokuto’s gaze. 

“Hmm, fair enough. Do you live around here? I assume you being here answers my question of if you go to this school or not from last night,” Bokuto kept up the conversation. He moved to sit down on the bench a couple feet away from where Akaashi was sitting earlier. He motioned to the boy to sit down. He complied and sat down nervously. 

“I do,” He said, his voice cracking slightly. Akaashi’s ears and face turned bright red as he heard his voice crack and he followed up by clearing his throat and scratching his arm. There was obvious tension between the two and it only frustrated Bokuto.

Akaashi wanted to run away, he wanted to hide from the strong man he was sitting beside, his idol. Akaashi had watched him play ever since he went to the arena and watched the boys competitive league when he was a sophomore in highschool. He loved watching the defence play and now being face to face with someone he looked up to in the field of hockey he felt all his nerves bubbling up inside him and burst into the unspoken tension. 

Hockey was his passion ever since he was ten years old. He played every winter season and often played summer seasons whenever he could. Unfortunately he quit playing when he was a sophomore in highschool, around the time he had seen Bokuto play for the first time. He was good. He was the top goalie in the competitive league he played, the only thing is, he was known as a girl. He played on the girls team his whole life and quit once he started his transition. It was the hardest decision of his life. He absolutely adored the sport, but considering the circumstances he was too intimidated to play the sport ever again. It never stopped him from living vicariously through the games he watched, the games he wished he could have played. He wanted to play on the boys team, even when he was seen as a girl. He also knew it was allowed if the girl was able to keep up with the guys but he couldn't get himself to sign up. He didn't want to be seen as the girl on the boys team who was forced into his own changing room, separate from his teammates. It felt too degrading. He knew he could play as a man even now, there was no rule against transgender people playing on the team they desired but the hockey boys were terrible. They were rowdy and often times misogynistic and homophobic/transphobic. He knew he would have trouble finding friends on the team, friends who would accept him as he was, a gay transgender goalie. 

The truth of the matter was he would be treated differently, treated with little to no respect. Maybe even used for his body. There has been one other case that headlined the news about a trans guy being on the boys team only to be forced out of the team because of how terrible the rest of the team was. It wasnt about the talent, it wasn’t about the passion when you’re outed to the team at that point, it was about how well you could stand your ground and survive in the pack of straight, cisgender men. And that scared the living hell out of Akaashi. 


	2. self respect

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally updated ._.  
> Just a couple things I hope you read before starting the chapter:  
> 1\. Very dysphoria heavy in this chapter. I've been going through it and the self indulgence is high in this one lmao so just wanted to warn y'all.  
> 2\. I live in Canada and have very little knowledge of school in Japan as well as cultural things. So this fic is very 'canadian' in that sense I guess...  
> 3\. If any of yall care as to the reason this took so long to update i'll explain in the ending notes. 
> 
> other than that I hope you enjoy. More hockey stuffs will be in the upcoming chapters I swear.

Bokuto always found it easy to talk to new people. It was a trait he was happy to have. Ever since he was young could spark up a conversation with just about everyone. He was never scared to speak up about the bullying his classmates went through, ever since kindergarten. He knew that sometimes he might take it a bit far when it came to defending people he didn't know well but it never stopped him from doing what he thought was right. This caused him to end up getting into several altercations with others sometimes ending in a couple punches being thrown. As he got older he knew he had to stop being so physical, the fact that he once got scolded by the police was a tell tale sign of how bad things could have gotten. Luckily he was just told off by the police for fighting and wasn't charged or held for his actions. It wasn’t about the violence and it was rare for him to have violent outbursts but he hated having to stand by while others were being treated like shit for no good reason. When Kuroo had brought up the fact that Bokuto had also made homophobic comments it left a sour taste in his mouth, Bokuto couldn't help but wonder when he strayed from his morals. The boys on the hockey team always made those comments, the sly remarks of things being gay or laughing about gay people just being themselves. He normalized it so much that he failed to realize that just because they were not saying it directly to someone doesn't mean it doesn't hurt the people around them. He should've known and recognized it earlier. If someone said something that hurt him there had to be others who had felt the same way, if they show it or not. 

Even though Bokuto was making light conversation with the man he’s seen at his games he was frustrated. The boy was hard to crack, his answers were short but Bokuto knew he wanted to say more. He wanted to know what Akaashi was thinking, what he failed to say. However, Bokuto knew better than to pry answers out of him, he understood that he had to respect what Akaashi wanted to say and what he chose to keep to himself. They ended up talking about school, he found out Akaashi was studying creative literature while also taking photography classes, “Oh! Cool! You should take pictures at our next game, Akaashi!” Bokuto said, his energy equivalent to an excitable puppy. 

“Um, sure?” Akaashi said, blush formed on his cheeks as he looked down at his hands that he was twiddling with in his lap, “I’m not the best-”

“Hush! I’m sure they’ll turn out great! I have to see them,” Akaashi turned to the boy and saw the wide eyes shimmering with hope and excitement. He would be lying if he said his heart didn't stutter by the look he was given. Akaashi never expected to actually be speaking face to face with Bokuto Koutarou. He had watched so many of the older man's games, he’s seen the interviews he’s done, he had so many things we wish he could say to him but here he was, sitting face to face with one of the most talented, handsome players in his school. Akaashi knew he shouldn’t have been so nervous when Bokuto came up to him, he was just a person. But the question of why came up too often in his head. Why him? He’s sure there are so many other interesting fans he could’ve talked to so why did the captain of the hockey team, the man he looked up to for motivation, talk to him of all people. 

“Wait, so if this is only your first year, how come i’ve seen you at most of the college games last year?” Bokuto asked, tilting his head to the side. Akaashi’s eyes widened, panic rushed through him, he hadn’t realized Bokuto would make that connection. He only assumed Bokuto had seen him at a couple games, but he didn’t think he would have seen him at  _ most  _ games. Which was actually all of the games and even some practices but he wasn’t about to admit that. Would Bokuto think he was some kind of stalker? Before he could attempt to stutter out some kind of response his phone rang and he sighed gratefully holding up his hand before answering. 

“Woah, woah, slow down Kenma,” Akaashi said with furrowed eyebrows. Upon hearing the name, Bokuto couldn't help but think of the possibility of it being Kuroo’s Kenma, “Okay, i’ll come over and we can talk about it,” Akaashi hung up the phone and packed the books he had earlier in his bag, “Um, I have to go,” He gave Bokuto an apologetic smile and stood up.

“Wait, um, could I get your phone number, I like talking to you. And you have to send me the pictures you take of course!” Akaashi nodded slowly. Bokuto shot him a blinding smile and took out his phone eagerly before handing it over to the man allowing him to enter his information, “Which way are you going?” Akaashi pointed in one direction and Bokuto nodded before walking with him, “So, is this Kenma friends with Kuroo on the hockey team?” Bokuto asked, running his hands through his hair.

“Oh, yeah, Kuroo Tetsurou, right?” Akaashi asked. He knew Kenma talked about Kuroo a lot but it never really dawned on him it was the same Kuroo that Bokuto played with. It made his head spin a little.

“Yes! Small world huh? He’s my best friend. He talks about Kenma a lot! It’s cool how you two are friends,” Akaashi nodded along the bubbly man next to him. As they got to an intersection They had to part ways, “Well, I'm headed this way. Talk soon, okay?” Bokuto said with a huge grin. Akaashi nodded and said his farewell as he walked another 10 minutes to Kenma’s small apartment. His mind was running a mile a minute, he didn't quite understand why Bokuto wanted to be friends with him. He was a quiet nobody. He had very few friends, Kenma being one of the only people he talked to outside of school. Akaashi had his fair share of friends in his childhood. He was often friends with all the hockey boys in his elementary school. He was the tomboy who fit in more with the boys, always being asked to play sports during recess and being one of the few ‘girls’ to be picked first in gym class. When he came out as transgender all of the friends he had made left. All the boys found it weird, they found him strange. It caused him a lot of confusion, how come they liked him when he was presenting as a girl but as soon as he said he wanted to change his pronouns and appearance they run? It wasn’t as if he was changing his whole personality and life, he was the same person they all bonded with. 

Akaashi knocked on Kenma’s door and quickly the small man with dyed hair dragged him into the house, “Well, hello to you too Kenma,” He chuckled, pulling off his shoes. 

Kenma waited by the door as Akaashi took off his shoes before pulling him into his room, “So you know how I told you I have a boyfriend? Well, one of his friends know, and i’m kind of freaking out,” 

“Why? Is his friend a dick?” 

Kenma sighed and flopped on his bed, “I don't know, i’ve never met him… Since his best friend knows I feel like I should tell you who it is,” 

“If you’re not comfor-”

“It’s Kuroo,” Kenma cut him off, “A hockey jock, and now Bokuto, the man you’re head over heels for knows,” 

Akaashi glared, “I am not head over-” 

“Shut up, everyone knows, I've seen the tabs on him you have open. Anyway, Kuroo said he was fine with it but… I don't know I guess I just assumed everyone on his hockey team are homophobic assholes. Like, he told me Bokuto has said some shit before and it makes my blood boil, I hate that he’s in that position,” 

Akaashi assumed Bokuto was straight obviously, though he never thought of him to be homophobic. Maybe that was just his wishful thinking but everything he’s seen Bokuto do made him seem like an overall sweetheart and not some scum. It also didn't help that he was so nice to Akaashi the few times they did actually talk, “Hey, i’m sure it’ll be fine, you know Kuroo better than I do since, you know, childhood friends to lovers. You always talk about Kuroo being the one who stuck up for you through school, he can stand his own ground Kenma,” 

Kenma sighed and rolled over to get a better glimpse of Akaashi, “I know…” Kenma picked up his phone, “Anyway, what were you up to before you came here?” 

“Oh, I was reading at the school, and talking to someone,” 

“Who?” 

“Uh, it's awkward, but Bokuto actually,” Akaashi said bashfully. 

“Oh damn, what the fuck, since when?” Kenma turned his attention to the boy who looked down at his sock feet. 

“Yesterday he saw me at the game and wanted to talk to me. He said he had seen me at a lot of games,” Kenma scoffed, “What were you up to then, shit head?” Akaashi changed the subject with a laugh and a flick on Kenma’s forehead. 

“I was thinking about my next drag performance. What kind of look I want to do next,” Even before Akaashi could ask to see what he was thinking, the boy pulled out a couple photo references. 

The two talked for hours, Akaashi was glad to have a friend like Kenma, he was always so open minded. They met at a SAGA meeting the first week of school, Kenma claiming he almost didn’t attend but was forced to go because of his boyfriend, who Akaashi now knows is Kuroo. They’ve been talking ever since, they got along very easily. “Well, i've got to go,” Akaashi said, sitting up from the couch.

“Where you off to?” Kenma said, still distracted by the phone in his hand. 

“Meeting some guy,” Akaashi said dismissively. 

“Dick appointment?” Kenma asked lowering his phone, “I support you fucking anyone you want, but seriously be careful Akaashi. Text me if you need help or anything,” 

“Yeah, yeah, I’ll be fine,” Akaashi laughed as he put his shoes back on. 

Akaashi understood Kenma’s worry. He often has hookups with strangers, it wasn't new to him, he always made sure to carry a weapon with him if anything went south. He knew being trans on a gay dating app had its risks, mainly guys who were transphobic and want to harass him but it hasnt happened yet so he felt confident that nothing bad was going to happen. Did he like hooking up with random men all the time? No, not really, he wished he was in a relationship with someone but all his efforts got shut down, so eventually he gave up on crushes and mixed signals. Unfortunately all the guys he does end up sleeping with are creeps who fetishize the fact that he’s trans. It didnt bother him that much, all he was looking for was a quick fuck and they supplied. Though he wished he had someone who actually cared for him more than they cared about his body. Who respected and understood what he did and didn't like during such an intimate moment. His hook ups called his genitals whatever they wanted with no filter even after he told them not to, he ended up just giving in to whatever they called him. He thought about that for a second before coming to a realization, was it them who had no respect for him or was it him who had no respect for himself? Maybe a bit of both. He knew what he wanted but he always failed to search for what would make him happy. Instead he settled for what he could get. He sighed, suddenly his dysphoria creeped up on him as he walked to the apartment of the guy he was about to meet for the first time and eventually never saw again.

The way home from the hook up was long. He walked alone, his dysphoria was crushing him, he felt disgusting. The urge to rip off his skin was so overbearing. He could barely stand the lack of weight in his underwear, the extra weight he carried in his hips, and the fact he was shorter than most of the cisgender men he knew. A year after he had come out he was able to go on hormone blockers, followed by testosterone. These helped his dysphoria, nonetheless he knew no matter how many surgeries he would get, dysphoria would always find a way to creep up on him. He would never be what he wishes he could have been born as. His chest would always have these scars, though small and barely visible. The extra skin on his chest making his nipples look deformed was difficult to cope with, along with the fact he still had no sensation in his chest. He was still thinking about if he wanted bottom surgery, on one hand did he want a dick? More than anything. The problem was he didn't exactly like the results of the surgery. He knew he wanted to get a hysterectomy but had yet gone for a consultation regarding the surgery and he didn't know what to expect which scared him. 

When he got home he immediately pulled out one of his many bongs before filling the bowl and taking a rip. He sat back as the effect of the high consumed him and he felt okay. He got up from the couch and got a can of febreze spraying the place down before making some popcorn. He had some homework to catch up on but decided that it would be tomorrow's problem. He sat in front of the tv and indulged in watching some brain numbing reality TV before hearing his phone ding beside him. 

_ Kozume Kenma  _

Just making sure youre alive 

_ Akaashi Keiji _

Sure am.

All Akaashi got in return was a thumbs up emoji and he sighed as he put his phone back down on the table. He pulled a blanket over himself and grabbed a pillow to cuddle with. His high was dwindling down slightly which annoyed him, he grabbed one of his weed pens which was beside his phone and took a few puffs just to up his high. He often got high when he was alone, it made him feel something that wasn't just  _ empty _ . Whenever he was high he would get especially cuddly, he yearned for some strong warm heat to envelop him but unfortunately all he had was a heating pad, blankets and a pillow to get him through. Despite what people think when they tell him about his smoking habits they assume he’s addicted, but he wasn’t. It was something that he enjoyed but made sure it didn’t affect his schooling, or mental health. He knew how to handle himself and knew his limits. Marijuana was legalized last year so he didn't have to worry about much in regards of legality considering he was of age and not doing anything incriminating. He wasn’t dependent on the high to get him through the day, he used it to calm him down, he liked the effects, he loved the feeling, especially when he didn't want to think of certain stuff. Sure, sometimes it backfires and what he didn’t want to think about became everything he thought about. That's where he was currently. Thinking about the past few hours and how terrible the hook up was. The man was rough, not as rough as some people have been in the past but combining an already shitty mindset before a hook up and a rough, exhausting one night stand made everything worse. 

The man didn't care about the foreplay, he opted to grab Akaashi into the house, slamming him on the bed before he got to work. The man had only lasted an embarrassing amount of time and marveled at how much of a ‘dirty slut’ Akaashi was. Like the man even knew the first thing about him. Thinking back to it Akaashi felt sick. He was sick about the fact he allowed it to happen and didn't even attempt to make it stop. A part of him felt like he deserved to be treated like that, but the other parts of him screamed to go back and beat the guy up for making him feel like complete shit. Sighing, he stood up from his comfy warm cocoon and made his way to his shower, deciding to scrub every inch of his body the man touched. Hoping it would somehow make him feel better, make him feel like a human instead of a scared closeted gay guy’s fuck toy. The shower lasted an hour, the hot water breaking down the filth he felt like he was covered in. The loofa harshly rubbing his skin with soap, the red streaks over his body from his vigorous rubbing. The water eventually started to cool down, the now cold water making his skin feel raw. He felt pathetic. 

As he hopped out of the shower and grabbed a towel to dry himself off he caught himself in the mirror. The mirror was covered in fog, his skin coloured blob was the only thing he could see. Sometimes he wished everyone could see him like this. His features hidden, no sign of the sex he was assigned at birth. No indication of emotion or feelings for that matter. He averted his eyes downward, seeing himself clearly. His hairless chest which rose with each breath. The wrinkles of the slightly extra skin from his surgery. The way his hips jutted outwards, giving him more of an hourglass shape. The way the fat was stored on his upper thighs. How nothing hung from between his legs. 

The body of which he felt so disconnected from. The body which held his pain, suffering, happiness and experience. A body to which people say belongs to a girl, but how can it be a girl's body if he was a guy? It was his body, no one else’s. He might hate the body he was born into but it was his. 

He slid his hands over his hips. He deserved to love his body. He touched up to his chest, he was unique, no one had a body like him. He felt his arms, the muscle he worked hard on building up while starting his transition. Then, he touched his hands, he ran his fingers along each other, he had no complaints about his hands. Perhaps they were the only thing he liked at the moment, the only thing that he could look at on his body and smile. They helped him feel his way through the world when it felt too heavy to see. Pulled him out of his deepest moments. They were strong. They were the beginning of his journey to self love. Whatever that looked like for him, he knows deep down he can do it. He has his hands, the hands that hold himself together, make his food every day when all he would rather do was sit in his room. The hands that signed the consent form for his life changing surgery he knows he will never regret. The hands that held the stick to the sport that kept him afloat. The hands that clapped everytime Bokuto would score. They were hands so filled with curiosity of what it felt to be loved. What it felt to be cared for, whether that was by someone else, or more importantly, himself. 

___________

Bokuto knocked on Kuroo’s dorm room. He was bored, in need of human stimulation. After a minute of no answer he knocked again and put his mouth close to the crack where the door met the frame, “Kuroo! Save me,” he whisper-yelled. Thirty seconds later a frowning Kuroo peaked out the door, the clear look of annoyance written across his face was enough to make Bokuto shudder. Most people would take that as a sign to leave but Bokuto stuck his tongue out and attempted to push the door open only for Kuroo to hold it ajar, not letting up, “Are you trying to hide a body in there? You know I would literally help you bury a body if you ever need to, no questions asked!” 

Kuroo rolled his eyes, “My boyfriend is here,” he muttered flatly. His eyes shifted away from the eye contact. Bokuto’s eyes widened and he felt a huge smile break out on his face, he pushed on the door with more force knowing Kenma was in the room, “Bokuto, fuck off,” 

“Are you guys,” he lowered his voice to a suggestive whisper, “doing the dirty,” he wiggled his eyebrows and held his hands together in front of his chest like an overly excited toddler. 

“I will break a blade off your fucking skate, dumbass,” Kuro said with the faintest of grins. Eventually after minutes of pleading Bokuto slipped into the dorm and looked around for his best friend's boyfriend, “I told him to hide in the bathroom,” Kuroo deadpanned only for Bokuto to look at him with fake offense, “Give me a second… I don't know if he’s ready to meet you just yet, man,” 

Bokuto saw the hesitant look at the bathroom and sighed before holding up a finger and slipping into the bathroom. Bokuto heard murmurs from the other side of the door and anxiously picked at his nails. He didn't have a real reason to be nervous about meeting Kenma but he felt the anxiety creep up anyway. He knew Kuroo talked to Kenma about everything so the possibility of Kenma knowing a lot about him was very likely. He hoped Kenma didn't think he was a jerk based on the questionable things he may have done. He also knew Kuroo exaggerated his stories most of the time, hopefully he hadn’t made him seem worse than he knew some of the things he had said have been. Nonetheless, he understood that whether or not the thing was very bad or mild they never should have been said in the first place. 

When he heard the talking die down the door clicked and opened slightly revealing a smirking Kuroo. Bokuto stood awkwardly in the middle of the room, “I feel like I'm introducing a contestant on the price is right,” he snickered. Bokuto saw a hand smack the back of Kuroo’s head and chuckled, “Anyway, Bo, this is Kenma,” he opened the door and gestured one of his hands to the boy beside him who looked thoroughly unamused. 

“Kenma, hi! It’s good to finally meet you,” he said, taking in the man’s appearance. He was wearing a plain black shirt, Kuroo’s overly baggy sweatpants and a dark purple shawl over his shoulders. His face was blank as he looked up at Bokuto who was anxiously shifting his weight on his feet. 

“Hello,” he muttered as he walked out of the bathroom. He stalked to the bed and sat down before looking over to Kuroo who had bright red blush covering his cheeks and ears. The room was silent. Bokuto, not knowing how to break the silence, was awkwardly smiling while looking between the two men in front of him. 

Kuroo cleared his throat as he turned the light off in the bathroom and walked to the desk before sitting down, “So… Why’d you come over, Bo?” Kenma readjusted himself on the bed sitting up against the backboard and pulled his knees up to his chest. 

“Oh, I was bored. What were you guys doing?” He said, pulling a chair from a small table that was in the kitchenette. Kenma sighed softly and looked at Kuroo waiting for him to explain the awkward timing of the visit. 

“Uh,” he chuckled softly, “shinanigens, I guess?” He squinted looking at Kenma for approval. Kenma blinked and turned away opting to pull out his phone to avoid the whole conversation. 

“Ah,” Bokuto said awkwardly, “sorry for interrupting, I can leave…” He stood up only for Kuroo to shake his hand and gesture him to sit back down, “Well… What if we go down to the game room and play ping pong or something?” he suggested. 

“Sure, I’m down. Want to come with us Kenma?” Kuroo turned his attention to his boyfriend.

“I’ll stay here,” 

Kuroo nodded and patted his lap once before standing up and moving toward Kenma before kissing his forehead and putting his shoes on. Bokuto watched the kiss and his heart lurched. The sweetness and tenderness made him feel so soft, he yearned for that kind of affection, to either give it or receive it. Bokuto followed Kuroo out of the room as they made their way quietly to the game room they had in their residence complex. Thankfully the game room was empty and quiet so Kuroo set up his phone to one of the speakers and played some music, “So, whats gay sex like?” Bokuto asked suddenly.

Kuroo stumbled and looked at Bouto with wide eyes, “Bro,” Bokuto shrugged picking up a pingpong paddle before claiming the far side of the table, “If you’re mocking me, it's really not cool…” He trailed off. 

“No, nonono,” Bokuto panicked, “I’m not, I swear. I just… Well, okay, this is embarrassing but I’m a virgin,” Kuroo looked at him unfazed but nodded along to the explanation, “I was going to just ask sex but now that i know you’re gay I guess i assumed you’’ve only had sex with guys,”

“First of all, everyone knows you’re a virgin. Secondly, that's very presumptuous of you,” Kuroo raised his eyebrows at the shocked expression after the first point he had made. 

“What? People know i’m a virgin?” Bokuto stared down at his hands. 

Kuroo chuckled and shook his head, “I mean, at least I know. You always get flustered at sex talk, you’ve said you have but once people ask for detail you panic,” 

Bokuto stared at him with his mouth open, “I’m pathetic,” he sighed. Kuroo laughed loudly, “Don’t laugh at me,” he whined. 

“Yeah, yeah, virgin boy,” 

“I swear to god, Kuroo,” Bokuto sighed. He hoped no one else knew he was a virgin. Everyone probably thought he had a lot of girls on his dick, he didn't particularly like the fact people thought that but it was better than feeling like an adult virgin. 

“I can help you get laid, Bokuto, just like the other night, that girl was all over you,” Bokuto looked to the ground with an awkward, forced, smile on his face. Kuroo sensed the tension and looked at the man with a curious glance. It seemed as if Bokuto wanted to object or say something. The mental turmoil was clear on the man's face so Kuroo spoke up before he could say anything, “Anyway, let’s just play, alright?” 

Of course it was only speculation that Bokuto might have been questioning his sexuality. There have been small hints just based on body language that Kuroo picked up on over the years but no clear evidence to confirm anything. Kuroo himself knew how shitty it was to be closeted, but he hoped if anything his coming out would help Bokuto feel more comfortable to come out to him. He didn’t want to force him out of the closet, that's the last thing he would want to do. Bokuto has been very open about wanting to date or hook up with someone so it was hard for Kuroo not to want to help him find someone. He didn’t want to brag, but he was an awesome wingman and it would be so easy with all the qualities that Bokuto has. Nonetheless he let the topic at hand leave his mind for the time being. When Bokuto wanted to talk about it he would. 

They played ping pong quite competitively. The first two rallies of their game were simple and leisurely. They talked about the hockey game last night they had both watched the highlights from, “I know we don’t like to praise the opposing team but did you see the save the goalie made in the second period? Like near the end of the period? Bro, my mind was blown! Goalies are so awesome, they really are the backbone of the team,” Kuroo nodded along to what Bokuto was saying. It was no secret that Bokuto admired goalies. He would often go on rants about the pressures and stress they must go through all game. Knowing that you fuck up one slide or misinterpret a subtle glance from the shooter and let in a goal it could lead to collateral damage and the crumbling of the teams spirit. The reason why Bokuto became a defense despite everyone telling him to be a centre was mainly for the goalie. He wanted to be able to protect the team's most vulnerable asset. He wanted to bully the opposite team away from their goalies view so the goalie could see everything clearly. 

“Have you ever thought of being a goalie? I mean it’s a little late now but just for fun, you know?” Kuroo said thoughtfully.

“Oh god no, I could never!” Bokuto laughed before slamming the ping pong on Kuroo’s end, earning a point, “I tried on my old teammates equipment for a practice once and my legs never burnt like that before dude. Also, just imagine letting one goal in at the last minute into a tied game,” Bokuto stared at him dumbfounded, “I wouldn't be able to live with myself. Goalie’s are just a different breed, I could never compete,” he stated with a firm closing. 

Their talking calmed down as they both got very into the game of ping pong. Both attempted smashes in order to get some points. They both started to sweat from the vigorous and long winded rallies. The stamina the two built up from playing hockey most their lives were coming into play, who knew ping pong could be this exhausting. Halfway through a rally the door opened and Kenma walked in as he was texting something on his phone. Kuroo looked up for a split second, giving Bokuto the perfect opportunity to end the rally with a point over Kuroo, putting him in the lead. 

“Kenma, hey,” Kuroo said slightly out of breath. He walked up to the man to pull him into a hug only for Kenma to push him away muttering about the sweat. Kuroo looked down at his shirt and saw sweat stains through his shirt and checked out the pits of his sleeves only to see huge dark spots, he cringed, “Fair enough. Say we pack it in Bo?” 

As they were walking back to Kuroo’s dorm Bokuto turned to Kenma, “Hey, you’re friends with Akaashi right?” 

Kenma turned to the hockey player with skeptical eyes, “He’s my friend,” 

“He told me! We should all hang out one day, he seems cool!” 

“He is cool,” Kenma huffed under his breath. Kuroo nudged Kenma with his elbow, for a reason Bokuto couldn’t understand. 

“I’ll make a day we’re all free?” Bokuto suggested as they reached Kuroo’s dorm room. Bokuto stood in front of them with a smile. Kuroo said it sounded like a good plan and waved Bokuto off as the couple walked into the room. 

Bokuto turned around and headed to his room. His face suddenly supported a frown. Being upset wasn’t rare for him, he was often upset for either no cause or for so many reasons at once. Currently, he was upset for a reason he couldn’t pinpoint. It was tiring being upset, everyone knew this, it was even more tiring being upset over something but not knowing what the something was. He unlocked his dorm room and flopped onto his bed. He pulled out his phone and checked the time. It was only 11:30pm. He had time before he knew he had to sleep to be able to be refreshed in the morning for practice. 

He scrolled to the new contact he had in his phone and clicked to compose a new message. His heart sped up, his throat felt constricted. Anxiety filled his body, nervous to send a text to someone he wanted to be friends with. He typed out a simple first text and held his breath, he hovered his fingers over the send button, closing his eyes he hit send quickly. 

_ Bokuto _

Hey Akaashi! It’s Bokuto. Hope the rest of your day was well, just wanted to send you a text so you had my number as well!

He stared at the message he sent. Overthinking it. Did it seem like he was trying too hard to be nice? He rolled his eyes at himself and shoved his head in his pillow, god he sounded so unnatural and stiff. His phone buzzed five minutes later as he was brushing his teeth. 

_ Akaashi _

Yes, got it. It was fine. I hope you had a good night, Bokuto. 

The text was dry and it made Bokuto nervous. What if Akaashi didn't want to text him. The thought made Bokuto upset, he felt the regret bubbling inside of him but he shook it off, hoping his mind was just thinking in overtime. Even though overtime periods were one of his favourite things in hockey it felt different when it was his mind. His mind made up thousands of different outcomes when in hockey there were only two options; win or lose. 

_ Bokuto _

I met Kenma tonight! Very quiet, I hope he didn't hate me. I suggested You, Kenma, Kuroo and I all hang out together someday! I think it would be nice!

A few minutes passed of Bokuto staring at his phone, waiting for a reply. 

_ Akaashi _

I’m sure he doesn't hate you. I would like that. 

Bokuto’s fingers automatically went to reply as soon as he got the message.

_ Bokuto _

Thats awesome! I can’t wait! I have to hit the sack, early practice tomorrow! I hope we can get to know eachother better over text

As soon as he hit send he re read it, before sending another.

_ Bokuto  _

In person too! But i understand you might be busy, texting is efficient! We can talk without being in the same room!

His face burned and immediately he regretted ever getting a phone. Of course Akaashi knows the concept of texting, he’s not an imbecile. Bokuto cringed at his texts and shoved his face in his pillow, letting out a drawn out grunt. Why is he so pathetic?

_ Akaashi _

Lol, That would be great Bokuto. Goodnight. 

He couldn't help the butterflies that erupted in his stomach and he threw his phone on the other side of the bed, hoping to just fall asleep and not think about the embarrassment he felt. He felt like a preteen girl squealing over her crush texting her. Bokuto stared at the ceiling, he definitely didn't have a crush on Akaashi, he met the man two times for crying out loud. Even though his mind couldn’t help but go through all the things he wished he could do with the man. Kiss him, hug him, treat him like a prince. He knew he was reaching. He knew he could never have such a relationship with a man he just met. Unfortunately he couldn’t help thinking about any man he found attractive, daydreaming about being with them romantically. He blamed the fact he repressed his sexuality so long. He just yearned for such a connection, to feel something he’s never felt before. He couldn’t help the desperate want to feel loved more than platonic, to give love to a man, and receive the same. 

Frustrated he closed his eyes, imagining a life where he could be open with his sexuality. To be proud of who he was and learn to accept the fact that not everyone would support him, because that was reality. He imagined the great things he would feel, he imagined vividly how he would treat someone he loved with his whole heart. Unfortunately he couldn't help but think of anyone but Akaashi in the scenarios even though he barely knew the surface of the man he dreamt of. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So heres my excuse for the long update time if you care.
> 
> I had a pretty bad depressive episode and found it very hard to do anything including writing. I was reading a lot of fics and couldn't help be constantly compare my writing. The urge to wipe this whole account off the grid was something I really battled with but alas, im still here and my depressive episode is subsiding. 
> 
> I just want everyone to know never be afraid to reach out to suicide hotlines or help phones if you ever feel so low. It's scary, I know, but you have people to support you through it all even if you don't think so yourself. You're so strong and deserve to be alive. If anyone needs to rant or moral support you can find me on twt @ handsomehwi


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> a fight in the dressing room, accidental coming outs, Kuroo is a great bro, Bokuto and Akaashi (unofficial *lowkey date shhh)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> short chapter because I wanted to post at least somethinggg sorry if it's not the best 
> 
> tw for homophobic slurs "f*ggot"

Early Sunday morning practices were something Bokuto always liked. Though he knew he was the odd one out of his team to share these opinions, many of his teammates hated them. Maybe his burning passion to better his techniques got him up earlier than the sun and down to the rink with a smile on his face. He loved stepping into the arena first thing in the morning, seeing the fresh ice that has yet to be stepped on that day. The way that the lights over the ice were only half on, illuminating one end of the ice and leaving the far end darker. The cold chill of the rink always got him excited. After years of playing the sport he never once felt as if it were a task to get to the arena, to tie his skate laces so tight it gave his hands calluses. It was so refreshing to be able to see the ice, to see a familiar place he knew so well. The seats which normally are filled with hockey fans just to watch them play made his heart swell with passion. He made it so far - from playing kiddie hockey to filling an arena with scouts, fans, friends. He was so grateful to even be able to play, he was so blessed with amazing supportive people and coaches, he never would've gotten to where he is now without his support system. 

He smiled softly at the ice before him before hauling his hockey bag over his shoulder and walked to the first dressing room. When he noticed it was empty he walked around to the second, where a key hung from the keyhole with a mini hockey stick attached to it. He opened the door and saw one of his teammates, Daichi, drinking what he assumed to be a protein shake while on his phone. He looked up to Bokuto and smiled, “Hey man,” 

“Hey Daichi, ready for practice?” Bokuto asked, he sat down across the room from Daichi and unzipped his bag. Daichi gave him a shrug and explained he was up all night working on an assignment for his law class. 

“Well, gotta keep those grades up or we don't get to play, right?” Daichi laughed a bit and shrugged. They both were there pretty early considering most of the team shows up 15 minutes before practice, instead of thirty which their coach recommends. Bokuto stands in the middle of the room and starts stretching out his arms, legs and back. Daichi and him have never been close, they rarely speak to each other if he is being honest. There was no bad blood between the two, the times they do speak they get along just fine. There are obvious cliques their team has, most of the more rowdy guys stick together where the more mellow and chill guys stick together. Bokuto and Kuroo didn't really like hanging out with the more rowdy guys, they often made lewd comments and just said annoying, homophobic things which Kuroo has always told Bokuto he didn’t like. So Bokuto being the respectful friend he was, distanced himself from their clique. He was still the captain of the team and didn't want to lose the friendship he had made with the guys so he would sometimes partake in their conversations just to keep a connection. 

After five minutes of stretching more teammates were filling the dressing room nodding and greeting each other. Everyone was clearly half asleep so Bokuto clapped his hands loudly and grabbed his speaker to play some music to get the energy up in the dressing room. Kuroo showed up soon after with an obviously exhausted expression, “What’s up man? You look like the walking dead,” Bokuto said, shoving him back a bit. 

Kuroo groaned and plopped himself next to Bokuto on the bench, “I feel like the walking dead. I just wanna go home and cuddle under the blankets,” he had his hood over his head and slumped back against the wall. 

“Don’t make me dump water on you,” Bokuto warned with a smirk. Kuroo flipped him off before unzipping his own bag. Bokuto stripped off his shirt and pants leaving him in his boxer briefs before rifling through his bag for his jock. 

Kuroo took off the first layer of his clothes leaving him in a tight long sleeved shirt and tight leggings, “I don't know how you play with all your equipment touching your skin I get so chaffed,” Kuroo muttered looking over to Bokuto who shrugged. Kuroo glanced away from Bokuto once he looked up, hoping he wouldn’t make the captain uncomfortable. He knew it was his own internalized homophobia which told him Bokuto would feel grossed out if he looked at him without clothes on but he couldn't help himself but to avert his eyes. He had seen Bokuto many times naked, too many to count on two hands but after coming out he felt like Bokuto might feel uncomfortable. Even though he was in a committed relationship with Kenma who he would never dream about cheating on, not that he would ever want to anyway. 

Soon after, everyone was on the ice, the sound of skates against the ice was music to Bokuto’s ears, he skated around the rink in bliss. The lights in the arena were all on and their coach was skating in the middle of the ice as everyone free skated. He and Kuroo were skating next to each other as they made their laps. Their starting goalie, Nishinoya, was in the net shaving the ice of the crease with his skates before practicing his slides and butterflies. Aone, their backup goalie, was across the ice in the other net doing the same. Their coach blew his whistle and every skated to the centre of the ice to listen to the outline of today's practice and the drill they were going to start. 

Their practice was intense to say the least. Lots of skating drills which woke everyone up quite quickly. Bokuto’s heart was beating hard, he felt the rhythm against his rib cage as the coach called break. The team skated to the benches and stood around on the ice drinking from their water bottles, “God, my legs are gonna fall off,” Kuroo said as he sat down on the ice. Their teammates groaned in agreement as they all regulated their breathing. Their coach set up some pylons for what looked like was going to be some stick handling practice before he blew the whistle and explained the drill. 

At the end of the practice the coach said they did well and deserved some shootout fun. The team whopped in excitement, “If you don't score you do 15 laps around the opposite side of the ice. If none of you score you all do 3 full ice suicides, got it?” He yelled before blowing the whistle, “Nishinoya on your toes!” Everyone took their shot, only Kuroo scored. He whooped and threw his arms in the air, glad he didn’t have to do laps or the suicides. They all formed a line again as Aone stepped into the net and they all shot again. There were more goals on him than Nishinoya so both goalies were told to do suicides, they groaned and stood on the goal line before skating to the blue line before stopping, turning and skating back to the goal line. Bokuto shrugged and skated with them to the red line, back to the goal line, then to the offensive blue line, back to the goal line and finally to the opposite goal line and back. The goalies did so two more times as Bokuto skated to the rest of the team who were watching the goalies and snickered to themselves. Everyone found it at least a little bit funny to watch the goalies skate as hard as they could because of all the equipment they wore. Bokuto felt pity for the goalies, he knew he could never skate that hard in such equipment. 

As the goalies finished up the suicides Nishinoya purposely fell and slid into the boards, “I hate this!” He yelled as he laid on his back panting heavily. Bokuto skated over to the dead looking goalie as the coach told everyone to meet him in the centre of the ice. Bokuto stuck his stick out to Nishinoya and told him to hang on as he lugged the goalie across half the ice to the middle of the rink. 

Back in the changing room Bokuto played his music and heard everyone complaining about their legs. “How much you wanna bet coach likes hearing us panting and groaning,” Tanaka muses and he took off his jersey. 

“Bro he aint a faggot like you,” 

“Dude you’re calling  _ me _ a faggot?” Tanaka laughed loudly. Everyone heard the conversation, a couple of other guys chuckling. Bokuto’s gut clenched and he looked over to Kuroo who rolled his eyes as he pulled at the knot in his skate laces. 

“No one is calling anyone a slur, alright guys?” Bokuto snapped looking right at Tanaka and Matsukawa. 

They both looked at him like he had seven heads, thankfully his face was red from the work out they couldn't tell he was red from anger or embarrassment. It was the first time anyone stood up to the homophobic slurs that were thrown around the changing room. 

“What’s it to you?” Matsukawa glared, “Protective over your sugar daddy or somethin? Prolly had to suck his dick or something to get the captain position in second year, huh?” 

Bokuto was fuming when he heard more chuckles thrown across the room. He looked around at everyone and noted the people who hid their smirks right as he looked at them, “You two should shut the fuck up before I go to coach and tell him about any of this shit. It’s unacceptable.” He said firmly.

“Awe go cry to your fucking daddy, he couldnt replace us if he wanted to,” Matsukawa stood up and walked towards Bokuto with a look of ‘ _ whatcha gonna do about it _ ’. Bokuto stepped forward with his jaw clenched, only to be pulled back by Kuroo. 

“Don’t, Bokuto,” Kuroo said quietly.

Bokuto pulled his arm away easily and pushed Matsukawa back by his chest, “You’re not worth the fucking energy Matsukawa,” He spat before turning around and sitting next to Kuroo. Matsukawa rolled his eyes. 

“Fucking faggot,” Matsukawa muttered turning to walk back to Tanaka. The changing room was quiet, the tension was suffocating. Bokuto stared at his teammate in disbelief, ready to stand up and take the fight out of the changing room but Kuroo put his hand on the captain's shoulder to ease the tension.

“Let's get out of here, Kuroo,” Bokuto muttered quietly only for him to hear as he shoved the rest of his shit into his bag. He opted out of showering in the dressing room change room just so he could get the fuck out of there before his top popped. Kuroo did the same and they both walked out quickly as they heard muttering begin around the room. When they were in the clear Bokuto let out a shaky breath, “I’m going to beat those motherfuckers up next time I get the fucking chance,” he slammed the brick wall they were walking past with his fist out of anger. 

“Bokuto, you know how much trouble you would be in if you did that. Keep your cool,” Kuroo sighed running his hand over his face. 

“How the fuck can I keep my fucking cool around those dick heads. All that shit they said, bunch of homophobic shits. God I hate those guys, they make my blood boil,” 

Kuroo bit his tongue from saying anything about how Bokuto used to join in on their comments, he kept that to himself as he gestured to his car, “Let’s go,” 

Bokuto was quiet for a bit before exclaiming, “How do you just sit through that, let them say shit about us?! Whats so fucking scary about being gay huh? So what we like men, it aint the end of the fucking worl- you, gay, not… Like your people,” Bokuto snapped his mouth closed after realizing what the hell he just said. 

Kuroo’s eyes were wide as he stared at the road in front of him, too scared to say anything. After a couple minutes, “Wanna talk about it?” Kuroo said quietly, hoping he wouldn’t aggravate the man. 

“Fucking hell,” Bokuto muttered hiding his face in his hands. Small sobs shook his body and Kuroo panicked, he pulled into the nearest parking lot which so happened to be a McDonalds. Kuroo said nothing as he parked the car and let Bokuto regain himself. A couple minutes passed and Bokuto let out a shaky breath, “Im gay, alright? I just- I didn't mean to tell you-” His voice cracked, “I- i never said that aloud before,” He let out a sad chuckle, “I’m not- just,” He didn't know where he was going with that sentence. 

“Bo, I know you weren't ready to tell me that… But I'm glad you did, alright? Obviously this doesn’t change anything, you're still my best friend, bro,” 

“I’m such a fucking pussy,” Bokuto said staring out of the window. 

“Nah man. You’re brave as hell, I’m proud of you alright?” Bokuto looked at Kuroo who gave him a reassuring soft smile. Kuroo saw the tear tracks on his cheeks and Kuroo felt the pain that shot through the man. He was so distraught, he looked so sad. Bokuto felt his walls fall, all his bottled up emotions, all the stress, the self hatred, they were all on the sleeve of his shirt. The face his best friend gave him made a small whimper crawl out of his throat as he weakly asked for a hug, “Of fucking course,” Kuroo said like it was obvious. Bokuto took off his seat belt and melted into his best friend's arms before letting his tears fall once again, harsh sobs ripping through his mouth. Kuroo hugged him tighter, he closed his eyes and listened to the heart wrenching sobs that left Bokuto. His heart hurt for his friend.

They stayed like that for minutes, it felt like hours for the two of them, sharing each other's pain. They knew what the other was going through, all the homophobia they experienced together in the dressing room, all the internalized hatred for understanding who they are. It was an understatement to say they knew each other better now. The key to what was missing in their bond. The secret they kept from each other for so long, unaware they both had the same fear. The fear of being rejected, tossed to the side for being different than the majority. But now they had each other, closer than ever, emotionally and physically, they were there for one another. Kuroo gave the man one last squeeze after hearing his breathing more contained. Kuroo could imagine all the years this has been on his mind, because it was the same for him. When he first told someone he was gay the frustrated tears flowed almost identically how Bokuto had just broke down. They let go of each other, Kuroo gave him another small smile, “let’s get you home, you smell like shit,” 

“Fuck you,” Bokuto said jokingly as he sat back in the chair. His shoulders relaxed, he was exhausted. They got to the dorms quickly, walking up to their rooms in comfortable silence. Kuroo walked Bokuto to his door and leaned on the door frame, “Thank you, Kuroo,” Bokuto whispered as he opened his door. 

“I love you, man. That’s what friends are for,” Kuroo smiled. Bokuto smiled back before saying bye and disappearing in his room. 

After showering Bokuto felt great. He felt such a weight lifted off his chest. He texted Akaashi as soon as he got out of the shower.

_ Bokuto _

Hey akaashiiiiiiii how’s your day going?

Ten minutes later he felt his phone ding in his pocket as he was making himself lunch. 

_ Akaashi _

Fine. Got called into work last minute. How’s yours?

Bokuto smiled at the fact Akaashi responded.

_ Bokuto _

So so. Some shit went down at practice but i have the best friend ever so all is well :D Where do u work? Can I come visit u? 

_ Akaashi _

I guess? I work at the coffee shop across the street from dorms. My shift is almost done though. 

Akaashi tried to calm his heart as it was beating out of his chest from anxiety. Bokuto wanted to come see him at work. He tossed his phone to the side as he saw Sugawara come to the back. Suga raised his eyebrows with a smirk, “What's got you so flustered?” 

“Oh uh, a friend, I guess, is coming soon?” He stuttered, his cheeks burning. 

“A friend? You guess?” Suga smirked leaning against a counter with his arms crossed. Before Akaashi could say anything they heard the bell from the front door ring so Akaashi ran to the front only to see Bokuto with a big grin on his face. 

“Akaashi! Hi!” 

“Um, hi,” Akaashi said looking down bashfully. 

“Bokuto?” Hinata, Akaashi’s coworker said running from the back into the front to see Bokuto. 

“Oh hey Shoyo! I didn’t know you worked here?” Hinata’s face lit up as he looked over the counter to Bokuto.

“Yeah! I do!” Bokuto chuckled and looked back at Akaashi who was looking at Hinata in shock. 

“I came here to see Akaashi but what a surprise,” he chuckled. 

“Did you want me to make you anything? It’s on me I got you!” Hinata said excitedly. Hinata just got hired a few weeks ago and was always excited about making drinks for people. Akaashi was the same at the beginning but now it can be annoying, especially when people ask for latte art. 

Bokuto scanned the menu quickly before shrugging, “What do you recommend, Akaashi?” 

Before Akaashi could respond Hinata spoke, “Akaashi usually drinks a matcha latte with soy milk! He always recommends it to people! I have to admit it’s pretty good and I usually don't like matcha!” 

Bokuto looked at Hinata and then back at Akaashi who was looking at the cash register blankly, his hands clenched together in front of him, he looked… patient, but also kind of annoyed. Bokuto chuckled. The chuckle brought Akaashi back to the scene and his eyes reached the hockey player who was looking at him with a smile. 

“Sure i'll get that” 

Before Hinata could respond, Suga, who was witnessing everything, asked Hinata to come to the back with him, “Awe, okay! Bye Bokuto, see you on campus!” 

“Bye Shoyo, nice seeing you!” Akaashi scratched the back of his head awkwardly after the two disappeared into the kitchen at the back. “He’s quite excitable, huh?” 

“Oh, Hinata, yeah,” Akaashi said quietly. 

“When does your shift end? Want to hang out?” Bokuto asked smoothly as he took a step closer to the counter. 

“Oh sure? I'm off in ten minutes…” he trailed off looking to the back where the two ran off to, “Did you actually want to try the latte?” He asked quietly. 

“I would love to if you don't mind,” Bokuto smiled, a bright, blinding smile. Akaashi had to look away. He punched the order into the screen before giving him an employee discount, “You don't have to give me a discount!”

Akaashi blushed, “Oh, it’s okay… Just,” he gestured to the payment machine. Bokuto looked at Akaashi, hoping the man wouldn’t get in trouble for giving him a discount for the matcha latte which was already a decent price for how much matcha usually costs. He sighed and paid, it looked as if Akaashi wasn't going to change his mind. “Give me a minute,” He muttered, the words barely met Bokuto’s ears but he smiled and moved to one of the tables next to the counter. 

He finished the latte and gave it to Bokuto in a to-go cup and said he was going to clock out and get ready. Bokuto smiled and thanked him, taking the cup from Akaashi’s hands. 

When Akaashi went to the back he let out a huge sigh only to be startled by Sugawara walking up behind him, “Since when are you and Bokuto  _ friends?” _

“Oh uh, i dont- he’s not... do you know him?” Akaashi asked, hoping to get the topic off of him. 

Suga shrugged, “My boyfriend knows him, I heard he got in a huge fight with some hockey guys on his team today,” Akaashi blinked. Does that mean sugawara’s boyfriend was on the hockey team? It was the first time Suga ever gave him a hint about who his boyfriend was, sure he had mentioned him in passing but now Akaashi knew the man was dating a guys from the team he was shocked, “I heard it was pretty intense, you should ask him about it,” 

Before Akaashi could say anything else Hinata stormed out of the walk in fridge, “It’s so damn cold in there oh my god,” He jumped up and down rubbing his arms to warm them up, “Oh, you’re done now right akaashi?” Akkashi nodded, “Bye! Have a nice day!”

“You too. Bye Suga,” Akaashi said taking off his apron and grabbing his belongings. Suga winked at him as he left, to which Akaashi looked away. 

“Bokuto, I’m done,” 

Bokuto turned around, as his back was facing where the staff room was, “Let’s go to the park,” Bokuto suggested and Akaashi shrugged and followed him out. As they were walking to the park Bokuto was talking all about the practice he had and how it was so tiring. He explained all the drills and how he dragged Nishinoya around the ice. Akaashi chuckled beside him. They made it to the park and Bokuto sat down at one of the benches taking a sip of the matcha latte, “Oh wow, this is really good! It doesn't taste like grass!” the way Bokuto’s eyes lit up while taking another sip of the matcha made Akaashi’s heart flip. 

“I’m glad you like it, Bokuto,” Akaashi smiled softly. Bokuto hummed and held the cup with both his hands and closed his eyes, sighing contently. Akaashi had to snap himself out of his trance from the boy in front of him. The bliss that the exuded was contagious and Akaashi couldn’t help the way his heart felt warm looking at the boy holding the latte he had prepared for him like it was the world he was holding in his hands, “You said something happened at practice?” Akaashi asked after a minute of silence. Bokuto suddenly frowned and akaashi was afraid he had said something wrong, “You don't have to-”

“No, it’s okay. I was just really upset. A couple of my teammates had said some shit and it hit too close to my friend and me I guess, so I said something, and it just…” He exhaled, “Escalated I guess? There was no physical fight, although I wanted to throw down my gloves. Well, put them back on and then throw them back off just to fight that dumbass,” Bokuto said with a frown. 

“Well, I'm glad you stood for your friend,” Akaashi nodded, his face blank but his head was swarming of what the argument was about.

“People are just so ignorant, I don't understand how people can- Wait sorry you probably don’t care about my rant… Nevermind,” Bokuto said bashfully.

“No, I care. Obviously you don't have to tell me if you don't want to…” 

“Okay, you can't tell like anyone please?” Bokuto stuck out a pouty lip which made Akaashi feel soft and mushy, he nodded, “The guys were just being homophobic, calling people slurs and shit, it really pissed me off. My friend had come out to me the other day and I just couldn't deal with these ignorant ass guys being dicks!” Bokuto’s ears turned red with anger and Akaashi was speechless.

On one hand he was glad to know Bokuto wasn’t a homophobic asshole but on the other Akaashi doesn’t think Bokuto knows he just outed himself to a guy he met two other times. Maybe he forgot just a second ago Bokuto said it hit too close to his friend and  _ him _ . Akaashi would be lying if he said his mind wasn’t spinning in confusion, excitement? It was comforting knowing Bokuto wasn’t straight but he also felt bad Bokuto seemed too caught in rage to know his mistake, “Oh,” Was all Akaashi was able to say. 

“Oh, I hope that doesn't make you uncomfy… I just thought you’d be like not homphobic because you know your friend is like a drag queen,” Bokuto said quickly and awkwardly. 

“Oh, no, i'm just…” Akaashi slowed down so he could catch his breath, “I think it's awesome you stood up to them,” 

“Yeah… I guess. I think I pushed it too far though,”

“You’re the captain. I'm glad you’re able to put them in their place, you probably made a lot of people feel more comfortable,” Akaashi said. 

Bokuto looked down bashfully. God, why did anything Akaashi make him feel so giddy? He quickly changed the subject to Akaashi’s work but all Akaashi could think of was Bokuto, unknowingly coming out to him. He couldn’t shake the guilty feeling of knowing something he felt he shouldn’t know. 

The topic doesn't come up again for the rest of the day. They talked until the sun started to set to both of their surprise. “I’d better get going,” Bokuto said, checking his phone, surprised at how fast time flew by, “I really liked hanging out with you, Akaashi,” he said, less confident than he usually talked. Akaashi returned the sentiment and watched as Bokuto walked away towards the dorms. 

Akaashi held his face in his hands, he was falling too fast for Bokuto, it was kind of scary. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I keep seeing people having discord chats for their fics and I lowkey wanna do one because I feel like that would help my motivation to write but I feel like no one would join and like idek what I would say.... I dunnooooo .-.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bokuto talks with coach after Tanaka and Matsukawa taunt Kuroo with dirt they dug up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oh? Another chapter? wack. its short but I feel like I want to post more often just shorter, it helps keep my motivation like alive if you know what I mean? Also felt bad for not updating that last chapter for like over a month so lol

Tuesday morning the hockey team had another practice. The practice Bokuto had been dreading since Sunday after he left the dressing room. The anxiety that was gnawing at his chest and throat made it hard to breathe, hard to sleep and hard to just do anything but run his thoughts over the possible outcomes. It was 3 am when he finally let out a grunt of frustration and got up from his bed. He muttered to himself as he got dressed in jogging pants and a thin white long sleeve shirt. He laced up his running shoes and fetched his earphones before setting up his running playlist and jogging out the front door of his dorm. His legs were still a bit sore from Sunday’s practice but he paid them no mind. He jogged for forty minutes, he added some sprinting alongside just to push himself to near breathlessness. Concentrating about the fact he could barely breathe made it easier to ignore the suffocating anxiety he had to face today. He was absolutely dreading having to see the team. He knew Kuroo would always have his back but he didn’t know where any of the other guys on the team stood with the matter. Not knowing was the worst part. 

He got back to his dorm around 4am and saw the look of confusion from the resident counter staff but they said nothing. He nodded to them wordlessly and continued to his dorm. He looked at the posters on the bulletin board about the activities and meetups residents had and their dates. One poster caught his eye, an LGBTQ+ group. He stared at it intensely, he felt that it was teasing him. Telling him, ‘You could come if you weren’t too much of a pussy’. He wondered what would happen if he did show up. The captain of the boys hockey team, a muscular, stealth gay guy showing up unannounced to a meeting where people are being open and accepting of each other. Would they kick him out? Get mad at him for being somewhere he shouldn’t? Would they feel unsafe or judged just by his presence? He took out his phone and snapped a picture of the poster, maybe he could bring it up to Kuroo and see what he thinks about it all. 

He took the stairs back up to his room and sat on a chair in the middle of his kitchenette. He was hoping the jog would tire him out a bit so he could get an hour of sleep but all it was successful at was waking him up and getting his adrenaline pumping. He turned on his phone and unplugged his earphones to play music aloud as he stretched a bit. His mind was starting to think about the practice again as his eyebrows furrowed. He held his phone in his hands as he sat back onto the bed. It was getting towards the time he would usually wake up for practice, that would mean Kuroo would wake up soon as well. He made himself some high protein food as his breakfast with a cup of coffee and ate it in silence as he mentally prepared for how awkward the practice would be. 

Bokuto sat in front of Kuroo’s dorm room until he saw the light from the other side of the door click on and he heard shuffling around. He stood up and knocked on the door. Kuroo opened the door, his hair a mess atop of his head and his eyes squinted in confusion, “Bokuto, what are you doing?” his voice was rough, clearly fresh awake. 

“Good morning sleepy head,” Bokuto said loudly, pushing himself inside the room. He noticed Kuroo was only wearing his sleeping boxers and nothing else. Kuroo was too asleep to care about it at all. 

“Shut up, you’re too loud,” He said rubbing his face and turning away. 

“Dude, what the fuck happened to your back, did you get attacked by a raccoon?” Bokuto asked wide eyed. He stared at his friend’s back, there were red, aggravated scratch marks along his back and his biceps. Kuroo turned to him with an unamused face. He gestured to the bed behind him where a body laid under the blankets and dyed hair peaked out. 

Bokuto’s mouth fell open and he couldn't help but chuckle, “Shut up, you’re going to wake him up,” He mumbled going back to making himself cereal. Bokuto forced himself to be quiet though he couldn’t believe what he saw, “Why are you here?” Kuroo asked with a mouthful of cinnamon toast crunch. 

“I couldn’t sleep so I went on a run and made myself breakfast… If I would’ve known you were going to eat crappy cereal I would’ve made you some too,” he sighed and flopped down on the seat across from his friend. 

“First of all, cinnamon toast crunch is far from crappy. Second, why couldn’t you sleep?” Kuroo sounded more awake by the mouthful. Bokuto shrugged, even though he knew exactly why, “It’s because of seeing everyone today isn’t it?” He pointed at the man with his spoon. Bokuto nodded nervously, “Here’s what’s gonna happen. We’re going to get to practice, get ready and get on the ice and practice. If anyone says shit, we ignore them. If people talk to us casually, we talk as if nothing happened. Don't blow your head off because of what happened, we move on from it and if they say anything else that boils your blood we’ll go to coach. I don't want you accidentally outing yourself. It’s not safe for you,” Kuroo said as if he had everything planned out. Bokuto nodded silently, “Gonna finish getting ready,” Kuroo stood up and tiptoed to the dresser on the other side of the bed, the way Kenma was facing. Bokuto watched as Kenma stirred and Kuroo froze hoping he wouldn’t wake him up. He failed and Bokuto heard Kenma grumble and say Kuroo’s name, “Morning, sorry to wake you,” He whispered with a soft smile. 

Another groan was heard and a soft, “My ass hurts,” Kuroos smile dropped and he looked up to Bokuto who snickered quietly.

“Okay, well, Bokuto is in the room,” Kenma flung the sheets over his head, “I'll bring you something to eat after practice,” Kuroo said crouching down beside the bed. Kuroo pulled the sheets down exposing the thoroughly embarrassed boyfriend and kissed his forehead before pulling the sheets back over him and pulling out his clothes. He walked to the bathroom without sparing a glance to Bokuto who stared at him with a devious smirk. After they left the dorms Kuroo’s ears were burning red and Bokuto couldn’t stop laughing, “I'm going to slap a puck at your head,” Kuroo said as they got into his car. 

“Oh my god, you two are feral. How did I not hear you last night?” Kuroo glared at him but said nothing as a rebuttal. They arrived at the arena as the sun was starting to come out and they hopped out, getting their bags from the back of the van. 

They walked into the rink and Bokuto breathed in deeply. Kuroo noticed his nerves and patted a hand on his shoulders before giving him a squeeze and walking ahead of him to the dressing room. They walked in and saw Daichi sitting on the bench much like Sunday. He was currently the only one there and he looked up at the two men that walked in. “Hey Bokuto, Kuroo,” Daichi said with a smile and a nod. They returned the greeting and sat down together on the opposite bench. Bokuto sat next to a wall so he wouldn’t have to sit next to anyone else but Kuroo, “Bokuto, I just wanna say how awesome it was of you to stand up to those guys the other day,” Daichi said nervously, avoiding eye contact. 

Bokuto looked at him in shock before looking over to Kuroo who was also looking at the boy with raised eyebrows, “Oh uh, yeah, I was kind of fed up,” Bokuto said awkwardly. Daichi looked up at him with a hopeful look in his eye. He smiled and looked at Kuroo who was eying him suspiciously, looking for any malicious intentions. Daichi stopped smiling and looked away. Bokuto nudged him slightly and Kuroo shrugged. 

After a couple minutes the team started flooding the dressing room. Bokuto saw the smirks of Matsukawa and Tanaka as they walked into the room. Tanaka sat down loudly next to Kuroo who looked at him with a stern expression, “Kuroo,” Tanaka said with a fake smile, “Who’s Kozume Kenma?” Bokuto snapped his head to the man who sat on the other side of Kuroo. 

Kuroo felt his heart drop but made sure his tough facade didn't break, “What’s this about Tanaka?” he asked with a sigh. The rest of the team were quietly getting their equipment on trying not to make it obvious they were paying attention to the drama unfolding.

“Oh nothing,” Matsukawa said with a smirk as he scrolled through Kenma’s page on instagram, “It’s just that we saw you’re following this  _ guy _ that looks suspiciously like your ‘ _ girlfriend’ _ ,” He said showing a picture of Kenma he had taken. It was a picture of Kenma’s back, his face hidden. Kuroo clenched his jaw but said nothing in return. Bokuto stared wordlessly, he had no clue what to do. How was he supposed to assume they were going to dig through the people Kuroo followed. He was the one to stand up to them, he had assumed they would try to dig up dirt on him. Maybe he was being self centred, he was only thinking about himself. He didn't even think about Kuroo and his boyfriend.

“To be more specific, we found you were following a drag queen who so kindly had his own, personal, instagram linked on his page. Easy search really. So, anything to say Kuroo?” Tanaka said with venom in his voice. 

Kuroo stood up before shoving his equipment into his bag, “I have nothing to say to you guys,” He zipped up his bag and threw it over his shoulder, “Bokuto, tell coach I wasn’t feeling well. I’d rather not beat anyone up today,” his voice was full with calm rage. It was scary. Bokuto had never heard Kuroo talk like that before, it sent chills up his spine. He walked out of the room as some of the guys snickered. 

Bokuto looked around the room, he saw Daichi look at him with sad eyes. He didn't know what to do. He got up and ran out of the room to chase his friend, “Kuroo,” Bokuto shouted.

“What, Bokuto?” He exclaimed, turning around to face the captain. 

“Kuroo, I’m sorry, this is my fault,” 

“No, Bokuto. It isn’t your fault. It’s their fault. They’re shitty people I want nothing to do with, it has nothing to do with you. I can’t be around them right now. I’m sorry I can’t be there with you right now, I don't know what I might do to their smug faces,” He said loudly. Their coach must’ve heard their voices because he came out of the referee changing room. 

“Boys, what’s going on?” He asked, noticing the tension. 

“Sorry coach, i’m not feeling too well. I’ll do some dryland training if I'm feeling better after classes,” Kuroo left before the coach could say anything in return. Bokuto stood there in shock, he looked at the door where Kuroo left from. 

“Want to tell me what's going on?” Coach said, he looked thoroughly unimpressed, his arms crossed across his chest. Bokuto nodded shortly before telling him everything that went down in the changing room from Sunday as well as what just happened, “Tanaka and Matsukawa?” He asked with a sigh, “Honestly there's not much I can do about that Bokuto. Boys will be boys,” 

Bokuto stared at his coach in disbelief after all he just explained that's all he could say? ‘Boys will be boys’ what a load of shit. Bokuto chuckled in disbelief “You’re fucking kidding me coach,” He knew he was digging himself a grave, “Oppression is not  _ boys being boys,  _ taunting and stalking people to find out a secret is not  _ boys being boys.  _ That’s all you're going to say?” Bokuto stood up in frustration. 

“They’re good players, I can't afford kicking them off the team. What they do outside of the rink isn’t any of my concerns,” Coach said blatantly.

“This isn't outside of the rink! It’s right in that room,” Bokuto pointed to the dressing room, “It’s harassment, it’s-it’s peoples comfort, people’s privacy being violated. They had no right to do that to Kuroo. He didn't do anything but they chose to threaten him.” 

“Please explain how they threatened him. They showed him a picture of a guy,” The coach looked at him with a slight look of annoyance. It was obvious that he believed Bokuto was wasting his time. 

Bokuto took a breath, he couldn’t believe he had to say all this to his coach, “They showed him that they could ruin his career, coach. They showed him that they knew what no one gave them permission to know. Who’s to say they wont do anything to Kuroo’s boyfriend? They could hurt him easily, they know where he works, when he works, they know Kuroo’s weakness. They could blackmail him. Kuroo may seem strong as hell but he’s been through so much and doesn’t deserve this kind of threat being made. He’s worked so hard to get where he is now, those two, god, I don't even know what they could be thinking,” 

“Exactly, you don't know what they’re thinking. You’re making assumptions. No physical harm was done. If Kuroo didn’t want to be exposed like he was he should be more careful on social media. Excuse me Bokuto, I need to get my skates on. Go get ready now,” 

Bokuto punched the wall nearest to him. His mind was spinning, his own coach who said that he wouldn’t allow harassment on the team at the beginning of the year was blaming the victim for being attacked. His fist stung from the impact before throbbing, “I’m leaving. Thanks for nothing,  _ coach,”  _ He spat before making his way back to the dressing room, almost everyone was fully dressed in their equipment. He ignored the stares and packed his bag before leaving the room, everyone stared as he left. As we walked out of the rink and into the lobby Bokuto stopped in his tracks, “Akaashi?” 

“Bokuto…” He said back in shock. Akaashi always tries to be stealthy when watching practices. Since there is no one there in the stands he doesn’t want to look like a creep watching the practices alone. Obviously, today he failed, caught red handed in the lobby of the arena. “Isn’t your practice starting?” He said awkwardly, avoiding eye contact. 

“I’m not participating today. Why are you here?” Bokuto asked. He was trying to be more calm so as to not scare Akaashi but his rage was too strong to fully conceal it.

“You’re so tense,” Akaashi frowned walking closer to him slowly, “Did something happen?” Akaashi resisted the urge to rub the man's shoulders, to hug him. He knew everything about what happened last practice, he knew nothing was resolved, he could only assume something happened again. 

Bokuto sighed, “Do you want to come over to my place?” He knew it was a ballsy move, they barely knew each other but he knew he didn't want to be alone. Akaashi hesitated but nodded. They walked back to the dorms in silence. Bokuto kicked a few rocks along the sidewalk as if he were in some sad music video. When they got to his room he shrugged the bag off his shoulder and leaned his stick against the wall, “I’m going to take a shower, make yourself comfortable,” He mumbled. Akaashi looked around the room awkwardly. He was standing in the kitchenette with his jacket and shoes on. He kicked off his shoes and decided to sit on the chair next to the mini table. Turning on his phone he made his way to Kenma’s contact and sent him a text saying he was at Bokuto’s dorm. Soon after he got a response saying he was a couple doors down in Kuroo’s room. Akaashi put his phone down and listened to the shower running before telling Kenma to meet him in the hallway. 

“Akaashi,” Kenma said as he stepped out into the hallway. They hugged and sat in the hallway, backs to the wall. “What are you doing at Bokuto’s?”

“I went to watch the practice but Bokuto came out looking tense as all hell and said he wasn’t going to practice today and then asked me to come over,” Kenma hummed looking over to his friend. 

“Did he tell you anything?”

Akaashi nodded, “He told me what happened Sunday, nothing about today yet,” 

“Kuroo also ditched practice because of what happened today. He was really upset, he hasn't told me everything yet he said he needed to cool down first… I’m kind of worried for them. I mean Bokuto just came out and now all this shit is going down, it must fucking suck,”

Akaashi stared at Kenma for a second, “Came out?” Kenma made an ‘o’ face and stood up before rushing back to Kuroo’s room before saying sorry. Akaashi nodded to himself, noting down that Sunday’s slip up was correct, Bokuto wasn’t straight. 

“I guess now I don't have to do it,” Bokuto’s voice came from the door frame he was leaning against. Akaashi jumped up in shock, Bokuto must’ve heard Kenma outing him. 

“Kenma didn't mean to-” Bokuto shrugged, opening his door more to let Akaashi in. 

Akaashi slowly let himself in as Bokuto closed the door behind him. Akaashi looked at Bokuto, his hair was damp and laid flat across his head. He was wearing a sleeveless top and joggers. He felt his heart skip a beat at the sight. Before Akaashi could say anything Bokuto sat on the edge of his bed, “As soon as I say a secret out loud, somehow everyone finds out. Maybe it’s my big mouth,” He sighed. 

“Hey,” Akaashi said softly, “Don’t beat yourself up over this… Kuroo and Kenma tell each other everything. Kuroo probably knows way more about me than I know, I’ve never properly met him before,” Bokuto looks at him with big, sad eyes. “Do you mind?” Akasshi gestured to the spot beside him on the bed and Bokuto nodded. Akaashi sat down next to him and noticed Bokuto’s red, swollen hand, “What happened?” Akaashi furrowed his eyebrows reaching down to touch the aggravated hand. 

“I was mad, punched a wall. It doesn't really hurt anymore,” Bokuto said, allowing Akaashi to hold his hand softly on his own to inspect it. Bokuto’s stomach flipped, feeling Akaashi’s soft hands on his own. The touch was short lived as Akaashi set his hand back down on the bedding that separated the two of them. He looked at Bokuto’s face who was looking at him intensely. Akaashi apologized but Bokuto cut him off, “Are you gay?” Akaashi blinked at the question, Bokuto’s eyes went wide as he heard the words that fell from his mouth, he slapped a hand over his mouth, “Sorry, I didn’t-”

“Shh, it's alright,” Akaashi smiled softly, easing Bokuto’s tension, “I am,” He said, “Coming out to people is scary, but I'm proud you did, you know?” Akaashi started, “I know you didn't come out to me on your own account but I understand how hard it must’ve been for you,” 

Bokuto let out a breath he didn't know he was holding, “Can I say something?” Akaashi’s chest tightened, unaware of what he might say. He nodded anyway, “We’ve only met a while ago but I always feel so… Safe around you? Like I can tell you anything,” There was a pause, “I’m sorry I don't know what i'm saying,” Bokuto buried his face in his hands and fell back onto the bed, groaning in embarrassment. Bokuto mumbled something in his hands, which Akaashi couldn’t understand. He asked him to repeat himself, “Ithinkilikeyou,” Bokuto said quickly.

Akaashi felt his heart drop. Oh no. is all Akaashi could think. Akaashi didn’t want this to happen right now, he panicked, he stood up and stumbled his way to the door, putting on his shoes, “I uh, have class, i'll text you.” He said quickly before running out of the room, he did not spare another glance at Bokuto. He leaned against the door, “Fuck, fuck fuck fuck,” He whispered. 

Bokuto watched Akaashi leave, his heart felt as if it was stomped on. He felt tears of frustration build up in his eyes, he punched the bed, wincing at the throb he felt through his injured hand. The tears fell from his bottom lashes onto his lap. The first time he told someone his feelings about him they stormed out of the room, was he really that unloveable? 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> uh oh, my mans said the thing, akaashi got spooked D:
> 
> working on the next chapter as I post this so expect another update soon :)


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> trans 101 with Kuroo

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> he hath returnth with a new chapter  
> Lots of dialogue in this chapter  
> also yes I keep posting a lot, whenever I finish a chapter I get so excited to post it, I hate waiting lmao

“Fuck education,” Akaashi muttered as he took a second hit from his bong. It was only 9am but he couldn't care less. His class has started by now but all he could think about was Bokuto. He fucked up, he knows that. God, why the fuck did he do that? Bokuto was being vulnerable, he put his heart on his sleeve only for Akaashi to run it over with a lawn mower. Okay that might have been a stretch, but still he knew he was heartless in the moment, he was only thinking about himself. He couldn’t even bear having to see the look on Bokuto’s face as he walked away from the confession. All he really wanted to do was hug the man, kiss him and say he thinks he likes him too but instead his insecurities got the better of him. Why do feelings have to be so complicated? 

Sure Bokuto was gay, or at least not straight, he knew that now. What if Bokuto was gay? He knew he was a guy but Akaashi’s internal transphobia made him believe no gay guy would ever really like him because he’s trans. He also knew there are many gay guys that would fight him on that insecurity, like Kuroo and Kenma, they’re both gay but would be with a trans guy, that’s what Kenma had told him when he had a mental breakdown about the topic to him. At the end of the day Akaashi knew it all came down to preference. Some gay guys are fine with it where some guys aren’t. Akaashi understood that fact, he didn’t think it was transphobic or anything, some people just don’t fuck with certain genatalia, that was that. Akaashi just wishes he knew where Bokuto stood with everything. What scares him the most is Bokuto finding out and then immediately not wanting to be with him anymore. 

One thing was certain, Akaashi liked Bokuto. The more Akaashi thought about it, Bokuto only said he _thinks_ he likes him. So maybe it won't hurt him so much to know Akaashi is trans so he could get over him sooner than later, when he’s only in the contemplation stage. Another thing that's certain is that Akaashi has to tell Bokuto he’s trans as soon as possible, give him a couple days to think about everything. Fuck Akaashi hated this. He’s trying to love himself, his trans identity and everything, but it was so hard when it came to shit like this. He wishes he was cis, it would make shit so much easier. But what is life if not a series of difficult tasks one has to overcome to grow? He wished he could be okay not being in a relationship because pining after someone sucks, especially when you feel like a fraud by just living. 

He skipped all his classes that day, he knew it would have been inappropriate to show up to class baked out of his mind, he doubted he could even keep up if he tried. He felt like an asshole, ignoring the text from his classmate asking if he was okay. It was a kind gesture but he had no motivation to respond. 

On wednesday Akaashi went to his classes, on usual days he enjoyed his classes, he enjoyed what he was studying. Today was different, he just felt so down, he could barely concentrate. He kept thinking about how Bokuto might be doing, what he thought about him now. He thought about what Bokuto might think about him after he found out about his trans status. And for the life of him he couldn't resist the urge to rent out a rink and skate his hardest until he couldn’t breathe. He missed hockey so much, it was always a chance for him to escape reality and immerse himself in a game. Having skates tied to his feet, challenging the opposite team in his stance, making an incredible save that made the crowd as well as his teammate go wild. He missed the feeling so badly. 

That night he smoked again after his classes were finished, around his second bowl he smoked from his bong he called Kenma. He hasn't talked to Kenma yesterday, the text he received was left on read. He knew Kenma didn’t care about prompt responses because he himself was pretty shit when it came to responding. Akaashi was about to text him everything but as he was trying to write the text out it felt like it was taking an eternity to write a sentence so he dialed his number instead. 

“Hey, Akaashi what’s up,” Kenma spoke through the phone.

“I fucked up,” Akaashi said with a sigh.

“I’m listening,” Kenma said hesitantly.

“So, Bokuto said he thinks he likes me and I ran away,” 

“You’re a dumbass,” Straight to the point.

“No shit why do you think I’m high off my mind right now. I feel like such an asshole,”

“You like him right?”

“I really do” 

“He’s sensitive. He’s probably lying in bed thinking about what he did wrong. Go clear things up. Get your man,” 

“I can’t,”

“Don't make me and Kuroo kidnap you and throw you in his room and lock it like all those dumb clichees,” 

“Kenma. Can we be serious, please?” Akaashi’s voice cracked. Damn, he sounded so weak. 

“Akaashi I don't know what else to tell you,” He sighed, “Why can’t you?” 

“What if he doesn’t like the fact I'm trans? What if I scare him away? I want this to work out so badly,”

“Listen to me, if he doesn’t like you because you’re trans that's his problem. He’s letting someone amazing as you walk out of his life because of his ignorance,” Akaashi let a tear fall from his eyes hearing that.

“Okay,” 

“Do you want Kuroo and I to pick you up and drive you here?” 

Ten minutes later there was a knock on his door and he opened the door to Kenma and Kuroo standing with small reassuring smiles on their face. 

“Nice to meet you Akaashi,” Kuroo said, sticking his hand out for Akaashi to shake. He complied and thanked him for picking him up. 

“Sorry for the odd circumstances,” Akaashi said awkwardly. Kuroo waved him off as they walked to Kuroo’s car. 

The ride was mostly quiet, just before they got to dorms Kenma spoke up from the passenger seat, “So, how high are you?” Kuroo and Akaashi chuckled.

“Not as high as I probably should be for the conversation I'm about to have,” Akaashi said as he melted into the car seat. They all laughed.

“Akaashi, I hope this doesn’t come off wrong but Bokuto is... fragile. I just- I’m not going to stop you from saying or doing anything I just want you to know that. He’s also kind of… Slow? I genuinely don't think he will care if you're trans but I don't think he’ll fully understand at first. I guess what i’m trying to say is he’s just uneducated on the topic, try not to take any of his questions personally. I like to think I can read him pretty well. I think he’ll ask a couple questions, and then come to me with a lot of questions, I promise to educate him well. I hope you’re alright with that,” Kuroo said as he parked his car and looked over his shoulder to the nervous man. 

“I taught him lots. I think it will be fine Akaashi, just do what you need and we’ll take care of the rest alright?” Kenma said, putting his hand out for Akaashi to hold. They held hands as Akaashi took deep breaths. His heart was beating fast, the nerves creeping up on him despite the high he was feeling. They got out of the car, Kenma and Kuroo leading the way like his own personal bodyguards. When they got to Bokuto’s room they heard music playing from the other side of the door, loudly. “Is that his depression playlist, Kuroo?” Kenma asked with a smirk. Kuroo rolled his eyes as he put his ear to the door before nodding. “Alright, Akaashi, we’ll be next door if you need anything, just knock,” Akaashi nodded and thanked them before Kenma pulled him into a hug.

When the couple disappeared into Kuroo’s room Akaashi took a deep breath and knocked on the door. The music stopped before he heard shuffling and the door creaked open, “Akaashi? What...?”

“I’m sorry for running off like that the other day, we should talk,” Akaashi said quickly. Bokuto inhaled sharply before opening the door. He was dressed in a hoodie and sweatpants. His eyes were red and he had his hand wrapped in a compression wrap. 

“You smell like weed,” Bokuto said slowly. Akaashi smelt his shirt awkwardly. Bokuto raised his eyebrows, his face the most stoic Akaashi has ever witnessed. He apologized, “You want to talk about this when you’re clearly high?” 

Akaashi felt his mouth dry up, nerves, high? He didnt know which was the culprit. Maybe he should’ve done this when he was sober, “I’m not that high,” He said making himself wince. He sighed as Bokuto gestured to him to sit down. Bokuto sat across from him waiting for him to talk, “Look… I like you too Bokuto,” Bokuto felt his breathing stop, “But before anything happens I just- we don’t really know each other. There's something you don’t know, i’m nervous to tell you, but you need to know,” Bokuto nodded slowly, allowing Akaashi to continue talking, “I’m transgender,” He flinched saying the words, as if they were poison. It was nearly as hard as when he told his parents. 

“You wanna be a girl?” Bokuto asked, there was no malicious tone, just pure curiosity. 

“No, uh, other way,” Akaashi said, staring at his hands. 

“... You wanna be a guy…? But you’re already a guy?” Bokuto said, his posture faltered and he rested against the back of the chair. 

“I was born a girl, Bokuto,” Akaashi finally said. He looked up and saw the realization settle in. 

“Really? Damn that’s crazy,” the look on Bokuto’s face was one of fascination, amazement. There was no look of disgust, no malice, no hint towards disappointment, “That’s so wild, I never would’ve guessed,” Bokuto chuckled and looked at Akaashi’s chest. Akaashi felt uncomfortable with the gaze and threw his arms over his chest. Bokuto noticed the discomfort and snapped his eyes to Akaashi’s face, he looked upset, “I’m sorry i’m just so curious about it all. I don’t know a lot about trans things, other than the whole, born this gender whoops it's wrong, gotta fix that, you know?” His face turned from fascination to confusion, “Is that why you ran away? Because you thought I wouldn’t like you anymore?” Akaashi nodded slightly, his arms falling into his lap, “Well you’re wrong,” He smiled brightly, “I do still think we should talk about this when you're sober though,” Despite seeing Bokuto’s eyes red he was acting fine, it confused Akaashi a bit but he pushed away the thought, not wanting to think about Bokuto being upset over him of all people. 

Akaashi nodded and gestured to the door, “I guess I should get going…” Bokuto frowned and crossed his arms.

“You’re high, you aren’t going anywhere like that. I’ll make you some food, why don’t you go watch something on the tv while I make you something?” Akaashi’s face heated up. It was a simple act really, it was nothing to get so flustered over but he couldn’t help the way the warmness of it all made him giddy. Bokuto saw the hesitance of Akaashi’s movements but he reassured him it was fine and reached over to the side table where the remote to the Tv was. He handed it to Akaashi as he nervously scooted on the bed so his back was against the headrest. Bokuto made his way to the kitchenette and started making food. Akaashi watched him for a while, he was so focused on the task at hand he didn't realize the fond expression he was receiving from his crush. Eventually Akaashi turned on the tv, and turned the channel with hockey highlights on. Bokuto heard the commentators and turned to watch a couple as he was cooking, “You like hockey that much, huh?” He said as he looked at Akaashi’s intense focus on the tv. Akaashi nodded, refusing to take his eyes off the tv. Bokuto chuckled and finished plating Akaashi’s food before sitting next to him, putting the plate on his lap. 

“Thank you Bokuto…” Bokuto waved him off and relaxed into the bed next to him. 

“Do you play?” He asked as a commercial started to play. 

Akaashi stopped chewing and swallowed before answering, “Not anymore. I used to play, I miss it a lot,” Bokuto faced him before asking why he quit, “Well,” Akaashi started, he knew he just came out to Bokuto, he knows he’s trans but it still felt weird talking about it so openly, “I stopped playing when I started transitioning, I didn’t want to but I didn’t pass as a guy well enough to play on the boys team comfortably and playing on the girls team felt… wrong,” Akaashi could tell Bokuto had so many questions running through his head about his transition but he didn't ask anything related and decided to stick to hockey questions. He was thankful he didn't ask any personal questions but he was also curious as to what his train of thought was. 

“What position were you?” he asked curiously.

“I was a goalie,” The answer made Bokuto light up. His eyes shone brightly as he looked at Akaashi with an open mouth. Bokuto proceeded to his rant about how awesome goalies are. Akaashi giggled as he listened to the rant, it was adorable to see how excited Bokuto got over goalies. His heart fluttered but also hurt because of how much he missed playing. He sighed, “I love playing, I miss it so much,” Bokuto saw the frown on Akaashi’s face and his smile faded.

“You should join a team,” He suggested, only for Akaashi to scoff, “Why not, I'm sure you still got it! Muscle memory!” Akaashi shrugged, turning his attention back to the hockey highlights. His high was dwindling down and he felt very full from the food Bokuto had made him. His plate was still sitting on his lap despite it being empty. 

“Thank you for the food Bokuto,” Bokuto smiled brightly at him before reaching over to the plate and bringing it to the kitchen. Akaashi felt his phone ringing from his back pocket, Kenma was calling, “Hello,” Akaashi said quietly into the phone.

“Just making sure you’re okay? You were answering your texts,”

“Oh, yeah, sorry I didn't notice. I’m still at Bokuto’s,” He said looking up to Bokuto who was watching him, “It’s Kenma,” He mouthed, Bokuto nodded before taking out his own phone. 

“Is everything okay? You told him already right?” 

“Yeah, it’s okay,”

“Okay, i'm just next door remember, love you,”

“Love you too Kenma,” He hung up the phone and saw Bokuto look at him with raised eyebrows.

“That's cute,” Bokuto chuckled, sitting back down on the bed with him. Akaashi blushed and looked away, “Are you still high?” he asked, leaning in close to look at Akaashi’s eyes. His blush only intensified once seeing how close Bokuto was to his face and he covered his face with his hands before shrugging.

“Not really, sorry again for coming while high, I hope I didn't make you uncomfortable,” 

“It’s fine, I’ve been around Kuroo high plenty of times, I’ve never been high myself but I don't mind,” Akaashi nodded slowly, turning his attention back to the Tv. Usually when he was at this point in his high he _needs_ cuddles, he wrapped his arms around himself and rested his head on his shoulder. He was uncomfortable in his position but deemed it fine for the time being. The small space between Bokuto’s shoulder and his felt like it was teasing him, so close yet so far away. He wanted to close the gap, he wanted to lean his head on his strong shoulders and wrap his whole body in his warmth. Caught up in his own thoughts and fantasies he missed Bokuto calling out his name, a hand waved in front of his face and he jerked to an upright position before looking over at Bokuto, “Sorry, you just looked uncomfortable,” Akaashi apologized, “Don’t apologize, did you need another pillow or…” 

“No, I'm okay. You never told me what happened at your last practice,” Akaashi remembered looking over at Bokuto’s wrapped hand.

“Oh, god,” He exhaled, keeping his calm, “It was so fucked, let me tell you,” Bokuto proceeded to tell Akaashi everything that happened. Akaashi felt his blood boil just listening to the story, he felt scared for Kenma even though he knew he had Kuroo. He knew Kenma didn’t really care if people knew he was a drag queen, he was apathetic to all the hate or slurs he’s been called. He loves what he does and he doesn’t care if people criticize his passion. Akaashi wished he had the confidence Kenma had. 

“I want to beat them up,” was all Akaashi said in response to the story. Bokuto looked at him in shock. He knew he didn’t know him all that well, but seeing Akaashi so calm but angry summoned goose bumps to his skin. 

“Okay, that's not why I told you that story but trust me, I do too,” He sighed. Bokuto suddenly had the image of Akaashi trying to beat up the guys and couldn’t help the smile that spread among his face, “I would love to see you beat someone up, not going to lie,” He chuckled. 

Akaashi turned to him before chuckling along with him, “Oh god, I would not win,” 

“Whaaaaat, don’t say that I'm sure you could beat those punks up, they’re all talk,” Akaashi shook his head, a smile on his once furious face, “Ah, I wish you could stay longer but I have homework I have to get done…” Bokuto said awkwardly.

“Oh, yeah, of course, I'm sorry I lost track of time,” Akaashi rushed, he got up from the bed and started gathering his jacket and shoes.

“Hey, it’s no problem… Let’s walk to Kuroo’s and ask if you can catch a ride?” 

“Oh, no, it’s okay, I can walk, he’s not a taxi, I would feel bad…” Bokuto waved him off before opening the front door and walking down to Kuroo’s door before knocking. 

Kuroo opened the door, “Oh, hey Bo, Akaashi,” He said nodding to the both of them.

“Hey, Akaashi was heading home and I was wondering if you wanna drive him home?” Bokuto asked with a look of desperation on his face. It was obvious to Kuroo that he wanted Akaashi to get home safe despite Akaashi saying he wasn’t high anymore. 

“I mean, yeah sure, I was just about to drop Kenma off anyway,” Bokuto smiled brightly and turned to Akaashi who looked at Kuroo awkwardly before his face melted into a content smile as he looked at Bokuto’s bright grin. 

A couple minutes later Kenma walked out of the room with a bag in his hands, his apathetic look on his face. Kuroo locked the door and they headed down to the car in silence before Bokuto broke it, “Ah, we all really need to hang out together some time!” Kuroo nodded in agreement as he reached over to wrap his arm around Kenma’s shoulder. Kenma shrugged it off, glaring playfully at the hockey player making him laugh. In the car, Akaashi and Kenma sat in the back and Kuroo and Bokuto sat in the front. Bokuto and Kuroo were loudly singing/rapping to the music as Kenma looked over to Akaashi and rolled his eyes with a smile. They dropped off Akaashi first before driving to Kenma’s. 

“So, Bokuto, we know Akaashi told you he’s trans,” Kuroo said, turning down the music.

“Ah, yeah, he did… I was…” Bokuto stopped remembering Kenma was in the car, Akaashi’s best friend, “Can we talk about it later?” Kuroo paused and shrugged saying sure. Kenma didn’t take any offence to it. He was far from close to Bokuto so he would’ve felt awkward hearing the conversation discussing his best friend a little odd anyway. 

On the way back from dropping Kenma off Bokuto sighed, “Alright, i had so many questions when he told me but I didn’t know if he would’ve been offended,” He said. Kuroo nodded urging him to go on, “So, basically he’s trans right? He was born a girl, knew he was a guy and now is a guy,” 

“I mean he didn’t just magically turn into a guy, he was always a guy. Unfortunately born with xx chromosomes, therefore biologically he has what society sees as a woman's body,” He could sense the eyes boring into the side of his head as he drove so he continued, “He was always a guy, people may have seen him as a girl based on how society says someone with his chromosomes should act and dress and present themselves… You know what, when we get home, you’re coming to my dorm and we’re going to have a trans 101 lesson alright?” Bokuto seemed over the moon with this suggestion and agreed excitedly.

In the dorm room Kuroo cleared the white board he kept on his fridge and put his glasses on while Bokuto sat on the floor with his legs crossed. 

“Alrighty, so,” He wrote ‘Trans 101’ on the white board, “There are two binary genders, male and female. As a cisgender male yourself, you were born with xy chromosomes, you’re comfortable with the gender you were assigned at birth, right?” Bokuto nodded, “Alright, so cisgender is basically someone who is not transgender. Sometimes, people are born as a girl, like Akaashi. When people like Akaashi start to understand themselves, about gender roles and gender expression sometimes it just doesn’t add up,” Kuroo said in a teachers voice, “For transgender people they often have something called gender dysphoria. It’s a diagnosis that is generally defined as someone having discomfort or a disconnection between the gender they were assigned or how people perceive them to the gender they feel they are. Dysphoria comes in all ways, from body dysphoria, being uncomfortable with certain body parts or characteristics due to the way they’re seen or heard, to how they are referred to,” 

Bokuto suddenly looked sad making Kuroo pause to ask what’s wrong, “It’s just, that seems really hard, Akaashi has to go through all of that?” 

“Yes, it can be really difficult for trans people. But, there is treatment for it. Sexual reassignment surgery, hormone replacement therapy as well as speech therapy to help better cope with the distress. Going through these changes is often referred to as transitioning. As you know Akaashi has started transitioning, and for every trans person it’s different. There is no ‘right way’ of transitioning, and there's no way to determine if someone is done with their transition. Some trans people don't want certain surgeries, or to go one hormones, some want it all. I’m not going to answer any questions about Akaashi’s transition because that’s his story to tell and for you to ask, but i’m going to teach you how to ask politely. Of course it will depend person to person, some people don't like being asked about it but some people are very open,” Kuroo went on about the do’s and don’t of asking about someone's transition, Bokuto made mental notes and was glad he came to Kuroo because if he didn’t he probably would’ve asked Akaashi things that would’ve made him uncomfortable, “I wanna get back to more trans identity because I find them fascinating. I told you about the binary identities, but there is so much more! I talked to Kenma about this because it is his privacy but he said he didn’t care if you knew. 

Kenma is what you would call a demiboy. He’s non-binary, which is a term for folks who are outside of the gender binary, male and female. The way he describes his identity to me is that he feels like a guy but sometimes it just doesn’t feel quite right. Gender is a spectrum, and some people are just all over that shit, you know? Some don't feel like either a guy or a girl, some feel like both, some feel like they’re all,” Their night went on like this, Kuroo teaching all the in’s and outs of gender that the different ways people identify, he talked about gender expression and just because someone presents a certain way doesn’t determine their gender. He talked about gender neutral pronouns and the proper way to use them, he talked about gender and sexuality being totally different things. Bokuto soaked in all the information like a sponge, he wanted to learn more, he was eager to learn it all. He wanted to understand Akaashi and everything he had to offer. After and hour and a half Kuroo felt like he covered a lot of ground, “Any questions?” 

“Okay, so I know Akaashi is a guy, but he might still have like, you know,” Bokuto gestured to his pants, “Does that still make me gay?” Kuroo face palmed internally but recovered because he knew Bokuto was still learning, he didn't know any better. 

“Short answer, yes you’re still gay, very gay,” he chuckled, “Akaashi is a man, his parts, are apart of him and who is his, he had a guys body since well, he’s a man and that’s his body, if that makes any sense,” Bokuto nodded, “Some gay guys unfortuantly don’t like those parts and that’s a preference. You’re still gay if you like a man who happens to be trans. He’s a man.” 

Bokuto nodded and smiled, “I like a pretty cool guy,” He said looking down at his hands with a smile on his face. Kuroo smiled at Bokuto and ruffled his hair, “Wait,” Bokuto said with a little bit of fear, “How do you have sex with a trans guy?” 

“Well young virgin, communication is a wonderful tool used in this modern age, as many people in this world people like having sex in different ways. Due to dysphoria it’s very possible some trans people don’t like using certain parts of their body. The best way with managing this kind of conflict is asking your sex partner what kind of things they like and what they absolutely don’t like. This will be different for everybody. Sometimes, in different moods or settings they might want something one way and something completely different the next depending on their comfort. It’s important to listen to them everytime to make sure you’re both getting the most out of the intimate time. But you, sir, haven't even kissed the man so I would advise you to not ask him about what he likes in bed,” Kuroo poked Bokuto’s forehead roughly causing the captain's nose to scrunch up, “Also for trans people who go on hormone replacement therapy they’re genitals can change, so if you were to look up a woman's vulva on the internet there might be inconsistencies with what you might see of a trans man’s parts,” Bokuto looked at Kuroo as if he knew exactly what Bokuto was going to look up once he was back in his own dorm.

Once Bokuto had asked all his questions which Kuroo answered with ease, he felt much more at ease with everything. He felt so educated and knowledgeable with all this new information. He wanted to tell Akaashi about everything he learnt but he knew that would probably make him uncomfortable so he chose to keep it quiet as he brainstormed proper questions he wanted to ask Akaashi about his own experiences with transitioning. He was excited to understand on a more personal level about Akaashi if the man would be so comfortable with sharing. He wanted to know everything about the man he couldn’t help but to think about constantly.

A couple days have passed since Akaashi came out to Bokuto. They texted everyday, whenever they had free time. Bokuto wanted to ask all his questions he had prepared for Akaashi to learn about his experience but decided to withhold his curiosity. He wanted to hear the raw words come his own mouth, not some characters on the screen. They used texting to get to know each other on the surface, but Bokuto wanted to hear everything Akaashi had to say with his own emotions. 

Akaashi also wasn’t the best texter Bokuto noted to himself. He was very punctual so it was difficult to know when he was playing around or being serious. That part didn’t bother him as much as the delayed texts. He knew Akaashi had a life off of his phone but even after Bokuto found out his schedule for classes Akaashi would respond very late after he sent the text. He also noted sometimes Akaashi would text really fast and send a paragraph but other times he would text extremely slow and it would be a short response considering the amount of time it took for him to type. Nonetheless Bokuto was glad to still be talking to the man despite everything. 

The first day of hockey practice the boys had after the last drama the coach had pulled the four boys away from the rest of the team, “You boys need to stop making a fuss in the changing room. Whatever outside matters you might have with each other should not disrupt your training, got it?” All four of them nodded despite Kuroo and Bokuto wanting to argue with the man. It was unfair of him to say it shouldn’t disrupt their training because as a team they need to work together, without it being back to normal they knew none of them would be able to play in harmony together. He pulled Bokuto behind to have a one on one talk with the man, “I know all of this might be difficult considering your emotions towards everything,” He gestured to Bokuto’s wrapped hand, “As the captain I hope you’re able to keep everyone in line and not let your emotions get the better of you. Creating a space of tension will make everyone off balance. I expect you to apologize to those boys as well as the team for the disruption,” He said sternly. Despite the height difference between him and his coach, his stance and overall presence was extremely dominating and intimidating. Bokuto had nodded before he was dismissed. 

Bokuto had made a mini speech to their team that practice as per his coaches wishes. He hated the fact he had to, but ended it hoping everything would be back together and they would play their best as the next practice match they had that week. The game was on a saturday, Akaashi agreed to come with them after he had gotten the day booked off of work. The game was only in the next city over so Kuroo had proposed that the two carpooled instead of taking the coach bus their team would usually take. He had asked this the day Daichi sat next to them in the dressing room, the assistant captain had heard them talking and turned to them, “You guys are driving there?” He asked, his eye sparkled with a question he was too scared to ask. Both Kuroo and Bokuto noticed and decided to ask if he wanted to join. Daichi was clearly over the moon, “That would be awesome. I’ve been wanting to hang out with you guys more! Oh…” He trailed off, “I was going to find a way to bring… Someone along so actually, nevermind, sorry for-”

“It’s cool, we’ll have an extra seat, they can come with us if you want,” Kuroo said. Daichi lit backup and agreed happily. They agreed to meet up at six in the morning outside of the dorms on Saturday. Bokuto admitted he was kind of sad he couldn’t sit in the back seat with Akaashi for the ride but he was glad he was finally getting the chance to be better friends with Daichi, especially since he was the assistant captain of the team. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> also idunno why or how I just made Kenma a demiboy, I read a great book called 'Felix ever after' and I don't know just felt like it. It's not a major plot point or whatever, Kenma is just vibing  
> (Also felix ever after is a great book about a trans queer black guy and I think it's great, would recommend)


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> heyo :) New chapie

Saturday morning Kuroo, Bokuto and Kenma sat on the bench outside of dorms waiting for the others to arrive. Despite Kuroo wanting Kenma to tag along he had a performance to do that night which he was excited about. Kuroo has only seen Kenma perform twice since the drag Queen didn’t want his boyfriend to be seen in a gay bar too often due to his reputation. He understood Kenma’s wishes but he loved watching him perform, he was always so captivated by the provocative dances and passionate lip syncing. 

Akaashi arrived a couple minutes before six, he was clearly tired and still half asleep. When Daichi arrived with his add-on, Akaashi woke right up, “Suga?” He asked as they walked closer. Suga perked up once hearing his name and ran over to them, “what are you doing here?” 

The gray haired man gestured to Daichi, “I came to see him play!” he smiled brightly, “I don’t know much about hockey, but he wanted me to be his personal cheerleader so here we are! I'm sure Akaashi here can explain a bit to me as we watch, right?” He turned to Akaashi who just nodded. Daichi was blushing beside him. Kuroo and Bokuto introduced themselves. Daichi asked if they were sure they would have enough room for everyone gesturing to Kenma.

“Oh, he’s not coming. He has work, he’s here to send us off,” Kenma looked up from his phone before nodding in affirmation. Kuroo pointed at the car and told Daichi to put his hockey bag in the trunk. “Alright, this is where we part,” Kuroo sighed teasingly as he turned to Kenma. 

“Goodluck,” Kenma whispered. Kuroo looked around and saw Akaashi and Suga talking about something so he quickly ducked down and kissed Kenma on the cheek. Daichi pretended not to see the kiss before walking towards the group and telling them everything was packed. 

Bokuto turned to everyone, “Who wants the passenger seat?” Everyone shrugged. “I suppose we can switch if someone gets uncomfortable in the back. I'll sit in front first then!” He said, despite wanting to sit in the back with Akaashi. Kuroo handed Bokuto the aux cord once everyone was in the car, “Ooou, i'm the Dj, bet,” Bokuto muttered under his breath to himself. Akaashi suppressed a smile at how cute that was. Akaashi was on the other side of the car so when Bokuto would look back it was the first face he would see. Suga was sitting in the middle seat comfortably. The car was quite packed and cozy but no one seemed to mind for now. They started driving as Bokuto was making a playlist, “Anyone have requests?” Suga excitedly asked if he could put a few in the queue so Bokuto handed him the phone and he went to the search bar to add a couple of songs he wanted while showing Daichi his choices. Akaashi was staring out the window, he wanted to take a nap but knew it might be loud so he decided against it.

“So Daichi, Suga, how’d you guys meet?” Kuroo asked once the playlist was complete. Suga smiled brightly at the question and turned to Daichi silently asking if it was okay, he nodded. 

“Daichi came into the cafe I work at, and was blushing like an idiot. I thought I had something on my face. It was pretty cheesy but I slipped him my phone number along with his drink and we started talking from then!” Daichi nodded slowly, while Suga was talking. 

“I thought it was against the policy to give personal information to customers, Suga” Akaashi said with a knowing smirk.

Suga leaned forward to look at Akaashi, “He was too cute though. Why? Do you have a customer you want to hand out personal info too, Akaashi?” Sugawara said in a taunting voice with his tongue out. Akaashi rolled his eyes and leaned back ignoring the teasing as Bokuto was looking back at Akaashi with a questioning glance. 

“Sorry if this is overstepping boundaries, are you guys together?” Kuroo asked. He hoped it didn’t come off wrong, but he was curious. 

Suga turned to Daichi who thought for a moment and shrugged, he was pretty sure now that Kuroo was dating Kenma from their interaction outside of the dorms so he felt comfortable enough, “Yeah we are, almost five months,” 

“Ah nice! Good for you two!” Bokuto said, looking to the couple with a genuine smile. The expression made Daichi relax in his seat as he smiled back. Half way through the ride Bokuto requested to go to the bathroom so they pulled into a small town and searched for a public restroom he could use. They all got out to stretch and get food from the fast food restaurant that they went to the washroom at. Everyone got food except for Bokuto. Akaashi walked up to him with his food, “Ah, I don't want… That food,” He said looking down at the burger Akaashi was eating. His gut turned with anxiety when he thought about eating fast food. 

Akaashi sensed something wrong, “Did you want to grab food somewhere else? You should eat something, especially since you’re going to be playing soon,” Akaashi sensed the panic in Bokuto’s eyes, “Or we can eat a bit later when we get there, yeah?” Akaashi said calmly. He stopped himself from reaching out and rubbing Bokuto’s arm to comfort him. Suga, Daichi and Kuroo were all sitting at a table in the restaurant talking amongst themselves, “Wanna go back to the car?” he suggested, Bokuto nodded and followed Akaashi to the car.

When they were alone in the car, Bokuto sitting in the back with him, he spoke quietly, “Sorry, I honestly just panicked back there,” He gulped as he watched Akaashi take a bite out of the burger. 

“Wanna talk about it?” 

“I mean, there’s not much to say… I was diagnosed with orthorexia years ago. I'm better now but sometimes it creeps back and I just, dunno,” He sighed avoiding Akaashis gaze. 

Akaashi nodded slowly, “I can‘t say I know a lot about it, but I know someone with an eating disorder, I think i’ve heard a bit about it briefly,” 

“It’s fine, not many people know about it. I should’ve prepared meals but I thought I was going to be fine. It’s just a little frustrating,” He said with a small, false smile. Akaashi nodded in sympathy, “I hope Daichi or Suga is alright with sitting in the front. I wanna sit back here with you,” He said smiling to Akaashi, a real smile this time. Akaashi chuckled and ducked his head as he felt his cheeks heat up slightly. 

A couple minutes later the other three piled into the car, Daichi easily taking the front seat without complaints. During the remaining hour of the car ride Akaashi fell asleep, his head tilted back against the headrest. He was sitting in the middle of Bokuto and Suga this time. Bokuto looked over at Akaashi and felt a soft smile creep up on his face, he looked so cute passed out in the seat with his mouth slightly parted. Suga noticed the staring and scoffed, “take a picture it’ll last longer,” he smiled when Bokuto looked at him with a dumbfounded expression. 

“Not without consent,” he said with a smile, “plus, the camera could never do him justice,” Suga rolled his eyes jokingly. Akaashi mumbled something incoherent which made Bokuto audibly coo, “oh my god, I’m gonna melt,” 

“Please don’t melt on my seat weirdo,” Kuroo said, watching in the rear view mirror. Bokuto looked at him in the tiny mirror before sticking his tongue out and leaning back onto his seat. He took another look at Akaashi, telling his heart to calm the fuck down. Suga had a sneaky look on his face as he bumped into Akaashi slightly enough for his head to roll to the side and onto Bokuto’s shoulder. Bokuto froze when he felt the weight of Akaashi’s head on his shoulder and threw the gray haired man a silent glare. He refused to move, not wanting to disrupt the sleep Akaashi was catching up on. 

“Alright,” Kuroo clapped loudly as they were at a stop light a couple minutes away from the arena. Akaashi stirred awake and sat up quickly as he noticed he was leaning against a stiff Bokuto. He muttered an apology as Bokuto waved him off, “We’re almost there. We’re early so we have some time to spare,” 

“Um, can we go to a grocery store? I wanna get some food,” No one responded other than a short nod from Kuroo who proceeded to drive around for a minute trying to find a grocery store. They all filed into the grocery store, following Bokuto since he was the only one who actually wanted to come here, “Do you think you could pick out a pre made meal for me?” Bokuto asked Akaashi. He looked surprised but nodded as they made their way to the fresh foods. There were several pre-made meals, Akaashi looked at them and tried to deduce which would be the best for a pregame meal. He felt a sense of duty having to pick out Bokuto’s food. He knew something new about the man, he knew he struggled with his food despite not exactly knowing what orthorexia really was. Bokuto trusted him and he didn’t want to let him down, but with that he felt a lot of responsibility. He didn’t know if he should buy something to challenge Bokuto’s struggle or make it easy for him. He ended up buying a sandwich, with some chocolate milk. He wanted to make sure Bokuto had some carbs and it was loaded with protein and vegetables so he figured it would be fine, the small box of chocolate milk was just an add on from the drink fridge near the check out. Bokuto made no face in response to the chosen food and took it easily, expressing his thanks with a small smile. 

They made their way back to the arena around noon, the game was at two so they still had some time to spare. The team was already at the arena, they were sitting in the stands of the rink watching a game that was being played before they took the ice. The team was chatting amongst themselves loudly. The group of five sat near the boards of the rink, Kuroo was explaining a story about something Bokuto had already heard many times, Akaashi was watching the game intensely, “You know, you never told me why you were at the practice that time,” Bokuto said loud enough for only Akaashi to hear. Akaashi turned to him once the whistle was called.

“I was going to watch the practice,” 

“Were you stalking me?” Bokuto said in a teasing voice, Akaashi rolled his eyes. He knew it was a joke but he felt embarrassed since he sometimes felt like a stalker. He literally fell for the way Bokuto played when he was younger and followed the man to this university so he could watch him play often. 

“I live vicariously through the games and practices you and your team play. Even though I don't play anymore I still love watching how people train. I know it's a bit weird,” Akaashi chuckled awkwardly. 

“Do you have a favorite player on the team, I can introduce you, except if it’s one of the assholes,” Bokuto said looking up at his team.

“Oh, I already met him,” Akaashi said with a soft smile. 

“Oh? Who,” Akaashi chuckled at the question, he thought it was a joke but looking at Bokuto’s serious face his smile faded. 

“Bokuto, It’s you obviously,” Akaashi said like it was the most obvious thing in the world.

“What? Really?” Bokuto looked like he received the highest praise, “What about my playing do you like?” He said excitedly.

“You’re a great player, Bokuto. A great defence, any goalie would be lucky enough to have, your offensive plays are always well thought out and executed. Even if your plays don’t go as you hoped, you always know how to respond and regather. You’re very captivating to watch, your stick handling looks effortless, your swift movements around their defense… Your presence on the ice is just…”

“Akaashi, you’re going to make his head too big,” Kuroo cut him off.

“Kuroo,” Bokuto whined, “Let him praise me,” He pouted. Kuroo laughed and shook his head. Bokuto turned to Akaashi, “You should wear my jersey. My home jersey, just for the game today,” 

Akaashi had to stop himself from jumping at the opportunity, “I don’t want your team to say anything,” He said quietly.

“How about I wear Daichi’s so you’re not alone?” Sugawara said, “I’m his cheerleader so might as well rep him,” 

Akaashi turned to Suga to make sure he was serious before shrugging and agreeing. Bokuto jumped up with a smile, he bent down to dig through his bag for his home jersey. He pulled it out and presented it to Akaashi. Just as he went to reach for it he pulled it back to smell it, hoping it didn’t smell like BO. Akaashi chuckled as Bokuto shrugged and handed it to him. Daichi did the same with his own and Suga put it on excitedly. It was big on him, draping over his shoulder and covering his hands, he chuckled and started hitting Daichi with the long sleeves. Daichi smiled fondly at him, chuckling along with Suga. Bokuto watched them with an envious gaze. He turned to Akaashi and waited for him to pull it over his jacket, Akaashi sighed and slipped it over his head with raised eyebrows. Bokuto shone his blinding smile before he saw his teammates walk down the steps, some stepping over the seats. 

He turned to Kuroo, “Looks like it’s time for warm up,” Kuroo nodded and stood up, stretching his arms over his head. The three said bye as they joined their team. Suga and Akaashi said goodluck with a smile. 

“So, you and Bokuto?” Suga said as the two of them walked out of the rink towards the canteen in the arena. Akaashi turned to him with a surprised look, “Oh, don't give me that face, he looks at you like you’re his world,” Suga said nudging him with his shoulder. 

“We only started talking a while ago... “ 

“Okay… But do you like him?” Suga took the silence and blush as a yes and he squealed, “Damn, ya’ll cute,” Akaashi rolled his eyes. 

“You and Daichi, huh? You never told me that,” Akaashi said. He knew realistically they weren’t that close so of course Suga wouldn’t have said anything. Especially since Suga was also aware of the homophobia that went on in the hockey community from Daichi. 

Suga shrugged with a smile on his face, “He’s pretty awesome,” 

Upon hearing this a smile creeped up on Akaashi’s face. It was such a simple phrase, simple three words but it was filled with so much admiration. It was enough to make him so happy for his coworker yet so envious for his own love life. He wanted to know what it was like, to be with someone you love and who loves you back. It was such a foreign concept to Akaashi, but maybe he was getting close to a reality where he could. There was still so much for him to experience, something as tender as genuine affection from another seemed so close but so unattainable. What if this thing he was with Bokuto falters? What if Bokuto realized he wasn’t what he was expecting? Bokuto didn’t know much about him so how could he say he likes him? Akaashi knew he was falling for him, it was so exciting yet so, so terrifying. Self doubt was such an easy headspace to fall into. The questions of ‘what if’ are so easy to conjure up, especially when your past ‘what if's' have been proven true in the past. 

They each got a warm drink, Suga settled with a cup of hot chocolate and Akaashi a cup of warm tea. Soon enough the team was on the ice for warm up. 

“I hope you don’t mind telling me what’s going on half the time,” Suga said before sipping on his beverage. 

“It’s kind of fun explaining to people who don’t know. Plus, it will distract me from getting too into, which I will admit is kind of embarrassing,” Akaashi chuckled. 

“I would love to see a fired up Akaashi,” 

“Oh god,” he laughed covering his mouth with a gloved hand. 

The referee blew the whistle signaling the beginning of the game. The teams gathered the pucks from warm up and huddled around the bench as the coach spoke to them. The teams let out a cheer before each goalie skated to their respective nets and five players from each team got in position around the center for face off. Bokuto was on the blue line, his stance was ready, as he stared straight at the puck in the refs hand. The whistle blew seconds before the referee let the puck fall between both of the centre’s sticks. 

In a blink of the eye their center passed the puck behind him, the puck travelled to Bokuto’s stick. He skated up enough before seeing a clearing to their left winger, he passed the puck hard. The puck hit his teammates stick with a thud before the player made his way into the offensive zone. Akaashi watched the play intensely. Their team has been applying very good offensive pressure right on the get go, the other team obviously not prepared for the forceful attack. The puck was passed back to their defence only for the puck to sneak back out of the offensive zone and back in making the ref call offside. 

“What happened? They were vibing,” 

Akaashi laughed, “Alright so you know how the puck was in their zone?” Suga nodded, “The puck passed outside of their zone and we were handling it, When the puck goes out of the zone the opposing team is supposed to get out of the zone. The puck should always be the first thing in the zone before the other players. Since it wasn't, it's called an offside,” He tried explaining it properly so he could understand. Suga looked as if a lightbulb went off in his head before nodding excitedly. “So now they’ll drop the puck just outside the blue line there,” He said as they watched the teams switch players and the new group gathering around the face off point. 

“Oh oh, Daichi is on!” Suga said excitedly, bouncing slightly in his seat. Akaashi laughed, and nodded. As they were watching, Suga nearly at the edge of the seat staring intensely at his boyfriend, he got a penalty, “Why is their goalie skating off the ice!? Akaashi what the fuck? What? They blew the whistle when we had the puck! Why are they pointing at Daichi? What was that sign language?” Akaashi could barely hold in the laughs that erupted from him. He covered his mouth with his glove trying to regain himself as Suga looked at him with a confused and slightly ragged expression. 

“He got a penalty,” He said between giggles, “Okay, so the penalty he got was hooking, That was the sign the ref gave. When a penalty is called it’s common for the team of the ‘victim’ to call their goalie if they’re in possession of the puck. This allows another player from the team to jump on the ice and try to score during the time they have the puck. Once the team with the penalty touches the puck they blow the whistle to stop the play. That's why their team was trying to get the puck so bad, so they could just get the play to end so it wasn’t six against five,” 

“Damn… Cold shit,” Suga said, shaking his head. 

“Penalties are usually only two minutes but if they score while we have a penalty the player gets out sooner. So their team right now is on a power play, meaning they have more players on the ice than we do,” 

“Oo I love power play,” Suga said, wiggling his eyebrows. Akaashi rolled his eyes with a small grin, “Wait so Daichi won't be on the ice for two whole minutes?” 

“Correct,” Suga slumped back in his seat with a pout. 

“What a dumbass,” 

The game went on, Akaashi would take a few moments to explain some plays, what breakouts were, icings, also about what some fans in the stands were shouting and what they meant in regards to the play. At the end of period two the game was still tied at zero. Akaashi had seen Bokuto play many times so he knew the player often used his offensive strategies in the second or third period, whether that was because of his coaches demands or his own was a mystery to Akaashi. It was easy to predict Bokuto’s plays after witnessing his development in the game and the things that often worked out with certain players on the team. He knew that he often would play very defensively when Kuroo was on the ice, giving him the puck as much as circumstances would allow. Akaashi assumed it was because he was helping the man with more experiences or to show him off to get their coaches attention. Akaashi hadn’t asked him much about his playing, which he was dying to, so he didn’t know his thought process but it was entertaining to him to try and understand the ways of the player he enjoyed watching. And now since he knew the man he couldn’t wait to get to know everything. 

Akaashi found it entertaining to watch Suga start to put the pieces together, ask him questions to verify his knowledge. It felt good to know so much about a sport and introduce others to everything. Though he knew Daichi must talk about hockey to the man it seems like Suga probably didn’t understand what he was talking about. In a way it felt like he was helping his coworker know more about his boyfriend and what he loves. He felt a sense of pride being a bridge for him. Of course Daichi could’ve easily told Suga a lot while watching a game together though it seemed like one of the key factors in helping Suga learn everything was the fact he was watching his boyfriend play. He assumed if Suga didn’t have Daichi on the ice to watch he probably wouldn’t pay much attention to what was happening. 

The second period the teams were equally as fired up, both fighting hard to keep the puck in the other’s zone. The team Bokuto, Kuroo and Daichi all played on was the best university team in the country, so he was sure that the opposing team was having difficulties keeping up in some aspects. The team they were playing were very good, last year they came third in the rankings, it was clear that they’re aiming higher this year. Akaashi often keeps a look out of the standings the other teams their school would have to face. He likes knowing the players with the highest stats and who to look out for. Despite not playing in any of the games, Akaashi loves thinking about what he would do if he were in their positions. How far he would challenge a player, what he would think if he were in Nishinoya’s position, how he would feel after a wicked save, or a mournful goal. 

In the last minute of the second period the puck turned around in their favour, Bokuto had made a perfect pass to their left winger. They carried the puck quickly up the ice passing to the right winger as they were two against one defence. Their right winger, Miya Atsumu, took a shot at their goalie only for it to hit off the goalie’s blocker. The goalie didn’t have enough time to slide over to the left before their winger, Matsukawa, took a rebound shot into the top corner. The ref called the goal and Atsumu and Matsukawa cheered and wrapped their arms around each other's shoulders before their center, Ojiro Aran skated up and patted both the men’s helmets. Bokuto stood back awkwardly as the other defense went up to congratulate the goal. Akaashi watched as Bokuto skating up slowly and lightly punched his teammates shoulder. Akaashi internally cringed at the awkward exchange remembering how Matsukawa was one of the homophobic pricks on the team. 

“Why doesn’t Bokuto look so thrilled he just got an assist of an assist?” Suga said with a smile. 

“Ah, Matsukawa is kind of a dick, Bokuto doesn’t like him much,” 

“Oh, that’s Matsukawa?” Suga grimmanced. Akaashi nodded with a shrug, “I take back my cheering then,” 

Akaashi laughed a bit, “I assume Daichi told you?” 

“Yeah, he tells me everything that goes on in the dressing room. It was fucked up. Daichi felt so bad for Kuroo and Bokuto,” Akaashi nodded silently as the new line of skaters were getting ready for the faceoff. The second period ended quickly with not much play since there was little time anyway. The third period started, and Suga said excitedly, “I can't wait to see Dachi after the game,” 

Akaashi could say he felt the same, but for Bokuto of course. He was itching to see the man. He wanted to tease him about his helmet hair, talk about his plays, ask him how he felt. It was the first time he had watched a game since Bokuto and him had started talking. The thrill of watching him play was feeling like the first time he had seen the man play. The nostalgia of discovering someone you admire, someone you don't know but want to know but this nostalgia was different. This time Akaashi knows Bokuto, he knows his playing well, it was familiar. But he doesn’t _know_ Bokuto, he has the opportunity, he knows Bokuto is sweet, he knows his surface, he wanted to know deeper, he wanted to know everything. 

Knowing someone is such a privilege, knowing what makes them tick, what makes them ponder. Knowing all the little things people who just meet someone would never even think about asking. Akaashi wanted to know how he felt during an intense play, what his mantra to keep pushing was. What he sees when he sees an opponent that he knows has stronger stats. 

The game went on, Akaashi feeling like it would never end. Normally he wouldn’t complain about the game feeling longer, he loves the sport, more than everything. But in this moment, watching Bokuto skate around the ice, protecting their goalie, he just wanted to be with him. Akaashi had to push the thoughts his mind suddenly craved. He wanted to be with him, to hug him, kiss him, despite the sweat. He wanted to tell him he did amazing and bring him home to cuddle as they talked about the game. He wanted to praise him and tell him all the good things he did, boost him up, make him smile the most beautiful, sweet smile he could. 

It was the middle of the third period. Bokuto had just jumped over the boards from the bench as his teammate got off the ice. He skated to where the play was happening, back facing their goalie as he skated backwards. The other team had just got out of their zone with the puck. Bokuto’s skates glided across the ice swiftly before one of Bokuto’s teammates from behind the other team's winger knocked their stick together causing the other team to fumble the puck. Bokuto took the opportunity and took the puck from the player. He saw a clear path as the defense was changing and quickly skated back into the zone. Akaashi watched on the edge of his seat as Bokuto approached the goalie who was well out of the crease to challenge Bokuto. The goalie was backing up as he got closer to the net. The man faked one way causing a delay in the goalies reaction to Bokuto’s play he winded up for a shot, the goalie went down in a butterfly too soon giving the player an opportunity to stick handle the puck to his backhand, going the opposite way as the goalie and lifting the puck just over the goalies shoulder. The puck hit the back of the net, the referees blew the whistle, hand extending to the net signalling a goal. 

Akaashi felt pride swell up in his throat, his body wanting to react and celebrate the goal but all he did was clap quietly as Suga jumped up happily. Akaashi saw the way Bokuto’s body twisted to the stands, hoping the other had seen his goal. He spotted Suga standing up but his eyes drifted to the man next to him who was clapping with a smile. He felt a warmth spread through his chest and he pointed to the men who wore the team's jersey proudly. Akaashi used his hands to pull on the shoulders of the jersey, pointing at the logo on the jersey before clapping again. 

“Ah! Akaashi! You saw the goal right?!” Suga asked, bouncing on his feet. Akaashi nodded with a chuckle. Suga cupped his hands around his mouth, “Woo! Good job Bokuto!” He yelled as Bokuto made his way to the bench for a shift change.

The game ended 2-0 for them, they celebrated by patting their goalie before lining up to shake hands with the other team. When the team got into the dressing room Bokuto had already started to strip off his equipment, eager to go see Akaashi. The coach walked in and told everyone to stop changing so he could speak. He resisted the urge to roll his eyes as he sat down next to Kuroo who just chuckled at the man's deflated appearance. Their coach talked for a couple minutes going over what they needed to work on but left with telling them they played well. 

“Bokuto, who were those guys in the stands?” Nishinoya asked as he unbuckled his pads. 

“Ah, a friend of mine and Daichi’s friend,” He replied with a small smile as he untied his skates. 

“Kuroo your little boyfriend didn’t come?” Tanaka spoke up with a snicker. Kuroo turned to him, annoyance clear on his face. He said nothing in return.

“Tanaka, just stop talking,” Daichi muttered under his breath. 

“What was that Daichi?” He said standing up to approach the man sitting next to Bokuto. 

“Do you get off from pissing people off or are you just annoying?” He asked louder, standing up. They were both basically the same height but Tanaka wasn’t wearing his skates so Daichi appeared to be taller. Bokuto stood up with a sigh and lightly shoved Tanaka back and left his other hand on Daichi’s shoulder.

“I would like it if we could get out without causing a scene. Tanaka, mind your business elsewhere,” Bokuto spoke calmly. Even if he was pissed he didn’t want to show it, he just wanted to leave the dressing room and find Akaashi. He didn't want people prolonging the awkwardness anymore. Daichi sat down and apologized. Tanaka just scoffed and walked back to his seat. Bokuto sighed sitting back on the bench.

“Sorry man,” Daichi whispered. Bokuto waved his hand with a small smile. 

They finally finished up in the dressing room and Bokuto rushed out eyes scanning the rink for Akaashi.

Akaashi and Suga stood by the wall near the exit of the rink, he walked up to the two of them, Daichi and Kuroo walking along behind him. “Akaashi!” Bokuto said happily.

“Bokuto, you played well,” Was all he could say in response. Akaashi watched as Bokuto’s mouth turned into a huge grin, his eyes sparkling. Akaashi couldn’t help his own fond smile that crept up on his face. He wished he could wrap his arms around Bokuto’s torso, his arms around his neck. 

“Come one you guys, let's head to the car,” Kuroo said pointing his stick to the door. Akaashi looked to the ground, breaking the eye contact from the man. He overheard Suga rambling to Daichi about the game excitedly. He would be lying if he didnt say he was surprised Suga enjoyed watching the game. But seeing Suga light up after watching his boyfriend play the game was so wholesome and sweet it warmed his heart. “I’m glad you enjoyed the game Suga!” Kuroo said once they got in the car

“Yes! It was so much fun to watch Akaashi was a great teacher too! You all played well; at least in my opinion! Bokuto your goal was so cool!” Bokuto lit up and proceeded to talk about the goal very animatedly. His hands were flying everywhere, his eyes wide with passion. Suga was nodding along with his exclaims, “And then you just-” suga made some sound effects while wiggling his body, “And boom!” 

“YES!” Bokuto said with his arms hitting the roof of the car. He slumped back into the car seat and sighed happily, “Akaashi, the goal was for you! I wanted to get a hat trick for you but my coach wanted me to work on playing more defensively,” He pouted crossing his arms over his chest. The other three boys in the car made a collective cooing noise. 

Akaashi felt his cheeks heat up promptly, “Just watching you was enough you don't have to score for me,” He whispered. Bokuto smiled but said nothing in response. Suddenly he felt Suga nudge him with his shoulder only to look over at him to the right and see the gray haired man wiggle his eyebrows at him suggestively. He rolled his eyes in response and pulled out his phone ignoring the flutter in his stomach caused by the man on his left. 

The drive back home was filled with laughter and karaoke, mainly from Suga. He shouted the lyrics to all the classics and pretended to serenade Akaashi with his singing. When they were near the school Kuroo spoke up, “Akaashi, Suga, am I dropping you guys off at your own places?” 

“I’m going back to Daichi’s dorm,” Suga said.

“I can walk from the dorms to my place if it’s more convenient,” Akaashi shrugged.

Bokuto looked at Akaashi, “Do you wanna come back to mine?” he asked softly. Akaashi ignored the flutter in his chest before shrugging and agreeing quietly. 

Kuroo nodded and drove the few minutes back to the dorms. Everyone jumped out, the hockey players getting their bags from the trunk before walking into the dorms. 

“I wish I could go see Kenma,” Kuroo whined as they stepped into the elevator. 

“We should go watch,” Bokuto said excitedly.

“He would murder me,” Kuroo replied.

“What is he doing?”Suga asked 

Kuroo paused for a second, “He’s performing,” 

“Ah, is that what his job is?” Kuroo nodded as they walked out of the elevator. All their dorms were on the same floor.

“He’s a drag queen,” 

“What!? That's so cool! We have to go watch!” Suga said excitedly, “Daichi never wants to come to drag shows with me,” He pouted pulling on Daichi’s sleeve.

“I understand though, Kenma doesn’t want me to be seen at a gay bar so he doesn’t let me go watch him, but maybe one day!” Suga nodded sadly, now understanding why his boyfriend refused many times now. “Well this is my dorm, bye guys, thanks for coming out,” Kuroo said using his key to open the door. They said bye, walking down to Bokuto’s dorm. Suga and Daichi both waved as they walked to Daichi’s dorm room hand in hand. 

“They’re a cute couple,” Bokuto said as the door to his room closed. Akaashi nodded as he awkwardly stood at the entrance, “Come in, get comfortable! I’m going to take a shower though, I haven't been taking them in the dressing room anymore because of the other guys so I stink,” Akaashi nodded as Bokuto walked into the bathroom. 

When he finished Akaashi was sitting on the bed scrolling through his phone. Akaashi looked up only to see Bokuto in sweat pants and no shirt. He blinked before looking away quickly, “Sorry sorry I forgot to get a shirt to change into,” Bokuto said bashfully before quickly ruffling through his draw to find a muscle tee. He pulled it over his head before sighing and sitting next to Akaashi on the bed, “Okay, I’m decent now,” Akaashi chuckled and looked over to Bokuto, mainly his biceps. He tried not to stare but either way Bokuto smirked and Akaashi wanted to wipe the cockiness off his face but he rolled his eyes instead, “Hey, so I… Wanted to ask you some questions but I don’t want to make you uncomfortable,” Akaashi shifted uncomfortably before shrugging, here it comes, the trans-related questions he’s been secretly dreading but knew were going to come up eventually. 

“You’re making it sound like an interview,” Akaashi muttered playing with the sleeve of his hoodie. 

Bokuto sat up, “I’m sorry,” He felt panic rush through him, he wanted to be as respectful as he could but he felt as if he already ruined it, “I just didn't want to like bombard you with questions out of the blue… you dont- you can just not answer it- it’s-” 

“Bokuto, calm down,” He felt a small smile tug at his lips, “I’m just teasing,” It warmed his heart that Bokuto wanted him to be comfortable. Even though the topic makes him uncomfortable to talk about in the first place, especially to someone who he was falling for, “I’m just nervous,” 

“You don't need to be! I learnt a lot the past few days! I won't ask general questions, I'm educated,” He said proudly, puffing out his chest, “I just wanna know more about you, as a person,” His voice got more quiet as he said the last part, his bashful side coming into play. Akaashi chuckled and relaxed more into the bed frame. 

Maybe this wouldn’t be too bad, Akaashi thought to himself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lowkey curious as to how old you folks think I am lol
> 
> also does anyone have a good drag queen name for Kenma I fucking suck when it comes to names and stuff 
> 
> Thanks for reading lemme know your thoughts  
> -hunter :)


	7. true self

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> short chapter, but at least it's something, eh?
> 
> CW / TW : Talking about eating disorder habits // orthorexia

Akaashi never really liked looking at his past. There was so much mental turmoil, so much confusion and dark days. He wished it was easier, he wanted to be able to look back on his past and see his growth, how he got to where he is today, but it can be so hard. It was weird knowing everything he did now is just a product of his past, someday this present would also be. To some it’s scary, knowing the past and present without knowing the future. To Akaashi, he had always been afraid of the future until recently. He used to fall asleep scared of what the future would hold; even before he knew he was trans the fear overcame his ability to sleep. Once he figured out his identity it only became worse. Now he had to think of what everyone else would think. How everyone would react to his true self. He always wanted to be accepted, but how could he even fathom other people accepting him if he couldn’t find it in him to accept himself. He repressed his feelings for years, hoping he was wrong, praying to a god he didn't fully believe in to make him stop thinking this way. To make him ‘normal’, make him cis. 

The past him was scared, vulnerable, he hated thinking he would have to do everything that was set out for him. It took years for him to finally come to terms with the fact he can’t see or predict the future. He had an obsession with psychics, which told him many different things, many didn’t line up. But his belief in them made him think that all those different answers would be the many different paths he could have in his life. Granted none of them were negative but he assumed that psychics don't really want to say the dark things in their readings which he understood. His obsession with psychics led him to have a white board with all the different things he had heard from them, also a steep decrease in his bank account balance, but that's besides the point. In the end he never got a clear answer. The loose end, which is his life, helped him over the crippling anxiety. He knew there was nothing he could do to get a specific ending like a video game, life would always find a way to throw him curve balls, he learned to accept that. Whatever would happen in his future would happen, if he continues to do the things he likes he figured how would he ever come to regret it. 

Sitting with Bokuto in the man's bed made him anxious of course, about the future, but not the far away future. The future of this conversation. What kind of things would come out of the other’s mouth. But sitting and dwelling on the anxiety isn’t worth it. He just had to hold the anxiety to his chest and run through the uncomfortableness to come out the other side. Though he wishes he could say he always followed that, he would be lying. 

“What do you want to know?” He asked quietly. His eyes purposefully avoided Bokuto like his life depended on it. 

“Are you sure, you’re okay with it? Talking about it?” Bokuto asked nervously. Akaashi nodded. Prolonging this conversation would just add more anxiety. It was like a roller coaster, the more build up to the top of the drop was always just going to cause more anxiety. Even though he wished Bokuto had brought it up more casually and not this whole conversation being bombarded with trans shit, he understood the man just wanted to make sure Akaashi was comfortable with the topic at hand, he appreciated it greatly. Bokuto shifted in the bed, “When’d you find out?” 

Akaashi nodded knowing that would be the first question. It always was, he didn’t hate it but it was an annoying question to answer for sure. There was no waking up one day and a flip switched on being like oh I’m not what everyone thinks I am. He looked up to the ceiling, “I’ve always been a ‘ _ tom boy’ _ per say, but it always felt a bit off, like something still wasn’t right. When I was younger, maybe like six, seven, I remember everyday I would fall asleep wishing I would wake up in a boy’s body, to be treated like all the other boys in my grade. Of course at the time I just thought it was normal to want to be a boy, I thought a lot of people wanted to be,” He chuckled dryly, “It never occurred to me that trans people existed, I never heard of the lgbtq community. When I was in grade 7 I heard about gay people, I did research and found out was trans was. It kind of struck a chord with me but I always thought, ‘that can’t be me’. I did a lot of research on it that year, the next. I had watched so many videos, so many people talking about their experiences, then I kind of thought ‘what if it is me?’. Of course by then I repressed it, I tried being ultra feminine, I felt gross. It just wasn’t me. So I looked it up again in grade 9. By then it hit me like a truck, I guess,” He shrugged, still avoiding Bokuto’s eyes which were peering into the side of his face. The man beside him was quiet, trying to absorb in all the information before asking the next question. 

“When did you come out then?” 

“Grade 10, to my family. I had told some friends who I trusted back in grade nine,” Akaashi stopped his sentence short. He could’ve said, after coming out to his friends they all left him but he didn’t want Bokuto to pity him. If anything, he was glad they left. Why would he want friends who didn’t respect him or even try to understand. 

“How did your family react?” Bokuto asked. The question was kind of rushed, as if he wanted to know what would happen next in a suspenseful book. Akaashi took a breath, “It’s okay if you don't wanna say… Family stuff can be hard to talk about,” He quickly added.

“It’s fine… They were… Not as bad as I thought?” He said, “They definitely didn’t like it but they were passive. It was around the time I was getting pretty well known in the girls hockey league so my parents told me to wait to, quote ‘ruin myself’, until after college. They wanted me to get a hockey scholarship,” Akaashi sighed, “I tried to make it work for like half a year but I started having panic attacks so they took me to a psychologist and then finally let me transition,” He finally looked up at Bokuto who looked like he was on the verge of tears. He himself didn’t feel too upset, he placed a hand on Bokuto’s forearm, “They’re better now, sometimes they slip up, they’re upset they can’t watch me play, but they’ve done a lot to help me through my transition. They helped me after surgery, got me my prescriptions, they tried so hard to get where they are now. It took time, but we’re on good terms. Don’t feel sad for me, okay?” He gave the arm in his grasp a small squeeze followed by a small, reassuring smile. It was weird being the one to say their story and have to comfort the person hearing it. Usually people heard his story and moved on but Bokuto was different. He didn’t care that he wasn’t being comforted, it actually felt nice being the one to tell another it’s okay. 

He had told his story to other people in his life, people who would nod after giving him a look of pity. The emotions that Bokuto held in his expressions were empathetic, there was no pity, just pure care and genuine feeling behind it. It made him feel like all those years of struggle were actually being taken into account, that his feelings and emotions were valid. 

“Can I hug you?” The question came out soft, nervous. Akaashi looked at Bokuto in shock, he never thought Bokuto would ever sound so vulnerable. All Akaashi could do was nod. Suddenly two strong arms wrapped around him. It was an odd position so Akaashi twisted slightly and melted into the hug. They sat like that for several seconds, their body heat warming each other up comfortably. Akaashi closed his eyes, he felt so safe. Suddenly Bokuto let go and sat back, “Since I asked you personal questions you can ask me some,” Akaashi raised his eyebrows before leaning back and humming in thought. 

“Today you were struggling with your eating disorder,” Akaashi said slowly. He didn't want to make the other uncomfortable but he did give him a go ahead and he was very curious. 

Bokuto nodded, “Orthorexia,” he chuckled, “Yeah I was diagnosed when I was fourteen. It’s basically an obsession with healthy eating. I was obsessed with micros, and macros, always checking the nutritional facts. I would get anxiety if I had to eat take out food or things I didn’t know the nutritional facts of. It consumed my mind, my parents always told me I had to eat well and healthy if I wanted to keep playing hockey, I took it too far,” 

“That must be difficult,” Akaashi said softly, he didn't really know how to respond. 

“It’s annoying,” He chuckled awkwardly. Akaashi could tell it was hard for Bokuto to open up about serious topics when it came to himself. He suddenly felt bad for asking, “It was hard when I was trying to recover, I mean, it was the fucking worst. My coaches kept telling us to make sure to diet and exercise, but part of my recovery was not to diet, for obvious reasons. It’s easier nowadays, it’s not too bad, like I said today, I thought I would be fine, sometimes it just flares up at the worst times,” Akaashi nodded along to his words, “Sorry if making you chose my food was too much, I just- I was anxious, and would overthink everything, checking all the nutritional facts and whatever,” 

“Don’t apologize. Thank you for letting me know,” Akaashi gave him a small smile. 

“Thank you for letting me get to know you better,” Bokuto smiled, making Akaashi feel more at ease. The rest of the night they talked about nothing but everything. The conversations flowed smoothly, the two of them avoiding deeper topics, deciding they had enough deep talk for the night. Bokuto was good at keeping the conversation going and making Akaashi talk more than he would normally. 

“I- No, I swear to god, Kuroo literally ran into the cement building, just- head first,” Bokuto said loudly, his laugh bouncing off the walls. Akaashi couldn’t help but to chuckle along with him. Bokuto’s laugh was contagious, whenever he heard it he felt like he was floating, without fail his stoic expression would disappear and turn into eye smiles and laughs. A laugh so genuine he felt like nothing else mattered, all his current worries flew out the window. All that mattered in the moment was trying to regain his breath so he could respond, say something. He continued to laugh even after Bokuto had stopped, his chuckles dying down but the smile still prominent on his face, “Akaashi, your smile is beautiful,” Bokuto said without thinking. He barely realized what he had said before Akaashi had stopped smiling and looked at him with a slightly surprised face. Bokuto waved his hands, thinking of something to say to end the awkward pause. Akaashi brought his hand to his own face, blocking the view Bokuto would have had to his face and chuckled again, eyes closed tightly, his mouth unable to stay emotionless.

“Bokuto-” He started between smaller laughs.

“Akaashi,” He whined, “don’t cover your smile, I wanna see,” The pout on his face was clear in both his face and the way he spoke. Akaashi looked over his hand, now only covering the lower part of his face. Akaashi hid his smile and moved his hand only for Bokuto to pout even more than Akaashi knew possible, “I'm going to tickle you,” 

“Touch me and you die, Bokuto,” Akaashi said, scooting a little bit further from him. 

“Is that a threat or a challenge,” He smirked, his hands moved up, his fingers moving rapidly, like a beast about to pounce on their prey. Akaashi stood up from the bed and ran out of the dorm room to Kuroo’s dorm before knocking. Kuroo opened the door just as Bokuto ran out into the hallway.

“Akaa-” Kuroo said only to be pushed inside his room and the door closed. 

“I’m sorry,” Akaashi said as his face broke out into a grin. His face was completely red. Kuroo looked at him with a look of confusion, this was so out of the character Kuroo had in his mind for Akaashi. 

“What-” Before he could continue Bokuto was knocking on the door.

“Akaaaaaaaashiiiiiii,” Akaashi looked through the peephole only to be startled when the defence was looking straight into the other side with one eye in view. He bursted out in a chuckle. Kuroo stared at Akaashi, “Let me innnnnnnnn,” He whined as the door handle started jiggling. The door locked automatically so Akaashi knew he wouldn’t be able to get in if he tried. 

“Akaashi?” Kuroo was clearly confused. 

“Ah, hi,” He said after his laughter calmed down, “Sorry for the intrusion it was quite sudden,” 

“Is everything okay?” Kuroo said before looking out the peephole to see Bokuto slumped against the door. 

“He was going to tickle me,” Akaashi said, “God we sound like preschoolers,” 

“Do you want frozen yoghurt, Bokuto?” Kuroo said loud enough for him to hear.

“What kind?”

“Amaretto,” 

“Please? I'll be good?” He said. They could hear him shuffling around outside. Kuroo rolled his eyes and went to open the door. Akaashi backed up to where the bed was so Bokuto wouldn't attack him first thing when he walked into the door. Bokuto smiled as the door was opened and put his hand up in surrender to Akaashi, “I’ll be good, I want frozen yoghurt!” He said happily. 

Kuroo pointed to the freezer which Bokuto happily opened, “Get a bowl, don’t eat out of the container,” Akaashi and Bokuto sat at the table as Kuroo sat on his bed, watching the two. Bokuto took a spoonful of the frozen yoghurt and held it up to Akaashi, urging him to take a bite.

“I can get my own spoon,” He said, standing up. 

“This was the last clean one, Kuroo sucks at doing his dishes. Just one bite, it’s my favourite flavour,” 

“What if I want more than one bite?” Akaashi countered, sitting back down. 

“Then… You’re going to have to eat it with your hands!” Bokuto said, smiling back at him. 

Kuroo chuckled at the prospect of Akaashi eating icecream with his hands, “I can wash a spoon for you, Akaashi,” 

All three of them eventually had a bowl of the frozen yoghurt in front of them as Kuroo and Bokuto mindlessly talked. Akaashi mainly observed the two of them talking back and forth animatedly, he laughed along to their shenanigans, inputting his own every so often. It was more difficult for Akaashi to keep up with their banter, but it was refreshing to see the two of them interact so naturally. Their friendship was something very different than any friendship he had. For him there were never two rambunctious people, but that's what made him intrigued with Bokuto and Kuroo. At first he thought it would be too much in one room. He thought they would have too many headbutts, but watching them he saw the way they retaliated from it, and joked about the things that Akaashi thinks he would overthink if it were directed to him. 

“When does Kenma finish work?” Bokuto asked after finishing his second bowl of the frozen yoghurt.

“Usually they finish around 11:30,” Kuroo said. It was the first time that Kuroo had used gender neutral pronouns to refer to Kenma. He saw the way Bokuto had to think for a second before he shot a finger gun at him and said cool. Kuroo smiled and ate another bite of his ice cream. Kenma had never told him to only use they/them pronouns for him. He had said many times that he was fine with he/him pronouns even though he sometimes felt more connected to gender neutral ones. The only people who knew about him going by they/them along with he/him is Akaashi and now Bokuto. Some people from the lgbt+ Group he had been to also knew about it but he never stayed in touch with anyone other than Akaashi. Kuroo looked over to Akaashi who had just finished his bowl as well, he stood up and grabbed everyone's bowl, “So, are you two dating yet?” He asked with a smirk. Bokuto choked on his spit and started coughing before getting up and smacking Kuroo on the back of his head, “Hey! It was an honest question,” he laughed.

“I’ll kill you,” Bokuto muttered quietly, apologizing to Akaashi as he sat down. Akaashi raised his eyebrows as he looked at Bokuto’s painfully red face. 

“Anyway, I should get going. Thank you for having me over Bokuto. Sorry for barging in so abruptly Kuroo,” Akaashi Stood up and turned to get his things only to realize his coat and shoes were all in Bokuto’s dorm. Bokuto must’ve realized this as well and stood up to go open the door for him. They didn't say anything on the brief walk to Bokuto’s dorm and shared a quiet goodbye as Akaashi left. 

Bokuto walked back to Kuroo’s room sulking, “Kuroo, you made it awkward,” He pouted lying down on the other man’s bed. 

Kuroo rolled his eyes sitting on the bed with him, “I asked a question, you made it awkward,” 

“What if he doesn’t actually like me. I’m so embarrassing, god,” Bokuto put his hands against his face and groaned.

“How do you know he felt awkward? Sometimes it’s quiet when I'm with Kenma, I used to think it was awkward silence but they told me he didn't feel awkward. They said it made them feel comfortable if anything,” Kuroo said thoughtfully, “Just because you’re good at filling empty space usually doesn’t mean it always has to be filled. I’m sure Akaashi feels the same, he seems like the kind of guy to appreciate silence,” 

“I mean I guess,” He mumbled in response, “What if he gets tired of me talking all the time? Like what if he gets to know me better and finds out how annoying I am?” 

Kuroo shrugged, “As the saying goes, If he can’t love you at your worst he doesn’t deserve you at your best,” 

“I feel like I unlocked a character achievement. That Mr. Kuroo Tetsurou is a fucking romantic,” Bokuto laughed. 

“Yeah, yeah, whatever,” Kuroo waved his hand in dismissal. 

“Is Kenma going by the uh, they pronouns now?” Bokuto asked suddenly. 

“I mean, no? He still likes he, but he also likes they. I’ve just never used they pronouns before because no one knew so I didn't want to out him,” Kuroo stated, he looked at Bokuto to try and see what kind of reaction he had to it. 

“Hm, I think it’s dope. Can we call him they now?” 

Kuroo smiled, “Sure we can,” 

Before he could continue, Bokuto cut him off, “I wanna get better at using they pronouns, this is exciting isn’t it?” He said brightly, “It’s so cool to me, how some people are so, like, brave and shit with it all. I couldn’t imagine coming out as transgender, like, people can be real fucking dicks about it and it’s so… What’s the word… Oh! Admirable! To me at least. Just saying hey, i'm here and now you know you was wrong this whole time! And then boom being the person you really are! that’s … Wow,” 

Kuroo looked at Bokuto, a hint of sadness across his face as he watched his best friend rant about how cool it is to be one’s true self. He knew there was a layer Bokuto didn’t want to peel off, to say how he felt about being gay, so he responded, “You know, some people say that about being gay too,” Bokuto’s smile faltered. His hands clutching each other on his chest as he stared up at the ceiling. 

Kuroo thought he stepped over a line but before he could say anything else Bokuto let out a small breath, “How… Are they all so brave? Wh- why can’t I be like that?” His voice was quiet, a whisper if anything. When he spoke Kuroo heard the pain he was hiding, the pain of being closeted for so long. The pain of seeing others live their life freely, despite the hardships. Kuroo didn’t know what to say, but god he wished he could comfort him, tell him he could be, that he would be one day. He knew how scary it is, he knew anything he said would sound hypocritical. Bokuto didn't need to hear any hypocritical things he wanted to say at this moment. He picked up his phone and pulled up his instagram. A few seconds later Bokuto got a notification on his phone, “Did you post a photo of me looking like a rejected puppy or something?” He asked, seeing the notification saying that Kuroo posted for the first time in a while. 

“Look at it,” Kuroo insisted. His heart was racing out of his chest ever since he hit post, he was scared to check his own phone for what the backlash was. 

Bokuto opened instagram and saw the picture. It was him and Kenma. Kuroo was kissing his cheek while Kenma was suppressing a smile, focused on whatever he was paying attention to. The caption was simple, it read, ‘my boyfriend’. 

“Kuroo-” 

“I know you’re brave, Bokuto. Braver than me. If I can do it, I know you can as well. Maybe not now, but when you’re ready, i’ll support you,” Kuroo watched as Bokuto teared up slightly. 

“Shit man,” Bokuto said in disbelief, he shook his head before looking back at the picture. Kuroo stood up and stretched slightly before going to the bathroom. He was anxious to post the picture, but seeing how Bokuto had gotten a notification that he hadn’t posted in a while made him realize that many of his following could possibly have received it as well. Sure posting it and having people see it on their feed was one thing but having everyone get a notification about the post he had been so scared to post made him even more anxious. He stared at the mirror, convincing himself he was going to be okay. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the wait only for this chapter to be underwhelming. It was hard for me to write and I couldnt tell you why. I've been going throuuuuuugh it but here we are my dudes. I hope yall doing well. I'll try not to slack off and get another chapter out soon and make up for the shortness of this one. Have a good day/night 
> 
> -hunter


	8. looming shadow

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ... yo   
> this is later than when I wanted to update because I started writing their first sexy time for this fic instead of writing this chapter EVEn thoUgh they haven't even held hands yet. I'm so sorry lmfao

Kuroo woke up to his phone ringing. He checked the time which read two in the morning. He groaned and answered the call without looking at the ID. He greeted whoever was on the other end of the phone with a groggy hello, “Kuro,” His boyfriend's voice rang through the phone speaker. 

“Kenma, hi,” he said nervously.

“I saw your post,” 

The statement lacked all emotion, Kuroo hated when he did that. Kuroo prided himself on knowing how to read his boyfriend better than anyone else. Over the phone however was a whole different situation. He found it difficult to know how the other felt by his voice alone, especially when he lacks any effort to express his emotions verbally, “Are you upset about it?” he asked, his nerves creeping up even more than before. He knew Kenma never hid his sexuality but he never made it public knowledge, if people knew, they knew. He wouldn’t try to dispute the fact or make anything more complicated than it had to be. Kuroo had never previously discussed posting couple pictures, especially on his personal account with over five thousand followers. So the uncertainty of his actions began to creep up on him.

“No. I just wanted to know if you were okay. I assume you haven't checked the comments. You don't have to. I can go over and delete them for you. Or delete the post if you want,” Kenma said, still no emotion leaking from his words. 

“I haven’t looked…” He paused, “Should I?” 

“No,” He said calmly, “I’ll come over. I’ll be there soon, go back to bed,” With that Kenma hung up the phone. 

Kuroo felt wide awake. The temptation to open his phone and look at all the notifications he saw made him tremble. He doesn't know how long he looked at the badges on both his messages app and instagram app. There were over 100 notifications for instagram and 30 messages. Before he could cave and click the icons his front door creaked open and Kenma’s head popped in, “You’re awake,” Kuroo nodded in response before Kenma turned on the lights. 

“I haven’t looked at any of it,” He said with a shaky breath. Kenma nodded and went to sit next to him on the bed. 

“Do you want to delete the post or just some comments?” He asked, picking up Kuroo’s phone and unlocking it. 

“Comments,” he said quietly. 

“Okay, we can do that,” Kenma opened the app, he went into the notification centre and cringed at the rude comments before deleting them all. He left the comments of support before disabling any more comments that people could post. The post has only been up for a couple hours, yet there have been so many interactions with the post as well as his account as a whole. He had lost quite a few followers, but Kenma didn't want to tell him that. He also chose not to tell Kuroo he made his own account private because of some comments he had been getting, “You’ve gotten a few messages. Did you want to read them?” 

“Can you tell me who they’re from?” Kenma nodded and started reading out the names before he paused, “What?” Kuroo said slightly panicked. 

“Your sister texted you,” Kenma muttered, trying to see how Kuroo reacted. 

“What did she say?” 

“The message preview just says she saw your post but nothing more… Did you want me to read it first?” Kuroo nodded. Kuroo held his breath as Kenma skimmed through the message, “It’s not bad,” Kuroo could breathe again, “Want to read it?” 

“Can you read it to me?” Kenma nodded.

“‘Hey Kuroo. I saw your post on instagram. I wanted to let you know that you’ll always be my little brother, no matter what. I love you and support both you and Kenma. I’m glad you guys are together. I’ve always had a feeling, haha. I won’t tell mom and dad but i think you should tell them soon’,” 

“Thank you,” Kuroo muttered, digging his head into his pillow, “can we cuddle?” 

“Of course, let me take the rest of my makeup off, i'll be there in a second,” 

When Kenma got back to the bed Kuroo had his back facing the empty bed, “can I be the little spoon?” 

“Of course,” Kenma said, getting under the covers and scooting against his boyfriend. 

Bokuto sat awake that night. He had seen the backlash on the post Kuroo made and couldn’t help but feel guilty for it. It wasn’t as if Bokuto had forced him to post the photo or pushed him out of the closet purposefully, but Kuroo was making a point. All the comments he’s been getting were all because of how Bokuto felt like he had to make his insecurities known. It would’ve been easier for the both of them if he had never spoken up about wanting to be out. Looking back on it now, after seeing all this backlash, he wasn’t sure if he would ever want to be out. Sure, there were also many comments of support on the post but all he could think of was the hate. It was a normal thing to do, focus on the negative, it was one of the things he hated most about being human. 

Bokuto always strived to outwardly express positivity. He never wanted to put other people down just because he was having a bad day, he wanted to be the person who could turn other people's bad days into good days, or at least mediocre. Despite wanting to express only positive emotions he couldn’t say he was always the best at it or truly felt it. Only recently has he felt close to the way he chooses to be perceived by others. He didn't know if it was the product of finally being out to his best friend or the fact he found someone that made him feel so comfortable… Safe? Accepted? There were so many words to describe the way Akaashi made him feel, it wouldn’t be fair to only have one. The moral of the story was the fact that two major changes had happened in his life; among the happiness of it all there was also a looming shadow behind it. 

The shadow itself wasn’t scary… There was something unsettling about when he sensed the overwhelming darkness. It never came out of nowhere, it was a product of a different emotion, a positive emotion. He pondered back and forth for several moments before coming to a conclusion, maybe he was scared of truly being happy.

Bokuto woke up to his alarm ringing loudly. He groaned and shut it off. Sunday morning practice, great. He pushed the covers off of himself and walked to the bathroom to splash water on his face. He was exhausted, he doesn’t remember the time he fell asleep but he knew that it wasn’t what time he normally aimed for. As he made his way to his room to get dressed he checked Kuroo’s post. All the negative comments have been deleted, all the comments left were positive. He clicked on the comment section and noticed the comments were now shut off. Bokuto cringed at the thought of his friend having to go through all those negative comments just to delete them. But at least they were no longer all over his comment section. Bokuto opened the message app to text Kuroo,

_ Bokuto _

Are u coming to practice today?

Ten minutes later he got a response.

_ Kuroo _

Ya.

Bokuto nodded and puffed his chest out in the mirror. If anyone said shit about Kuroo’s post he would beat them up. He shot Kuroo another text asking if he could catch a ride to the arena. Usually they have their equipment kept in their team's storage closet at their rink but since they came straight to the dorms with their equipment Bokuto didn't want to walk to the arena with his bag. Once Bokuto Finished getting ready he brought his bag outside in front of the residence building and waited for Kuroo to come out. It only took a few minutes before Kuroo came walking out of the front door. He looked like a mess. Bokuto put on his positive smile, “Hey man, how you feelin?”

Kuroo shrugged, nodding his chin towards the parking lot. Bokuto followed silently. When he wanted to talk he would let him. They packed their stuff into the car quickly before Kuroo started the car and leaned back, “Kenma deleted all the bad comments I got. I don’t know who saw the post, other than those who personally texted me. I haven't read those yet,” 

Bokuto nodded, understanding the nerves of what others said. When they got to the arena a few people were already getting ready in the dressing room. Daichi being one of them. Kuroo went over to him and gave the best smile he could, which was barely anything. He sat down next to him, “Proud of you man, that must’ve been a difficult decision,” Daichi said quietly as Kuroo sat down. Kuroo hummed in acknowledgement. He grabbed his water bottle from his bag and walked to the bathroom in the changing room before filling it up. 

On his way back to the bench their starting goalie, Nishinoya, ran up to him, “Hey! There's the man!” Nishinoya said loudly before hugging him and whispering for only him to hear, “Your post was awesome, man, ignore everyone else,” he pulled away giving the dark haired man a big pat on the shoulder and a blinding smile. Kuroo looked at him in shock but bowed his head and walked awkwardly back next to Daichi and Bokuto. 

Bokuto looked at Nishinoya before he looked back to Kuroo with a surprised look on his face. It was kind of sad the fact they were surprised someone supported him. 

As people gathered into the dressing room it was quiet, apart from the music playing. Only a select few people made eye contact and smiled at Kuroo, the quiet support was reassuring though. Everyone else refused to look their way. When Tanaka and Matsukawa walked in together Matsukawa looked at Kuroo with a malicious smirk, “There’s the homo,” he said, throwing a small ball of tape he probably found on the ground. The tape just missed Kuroo’s face and fell on the bench next to him. Tanaka and Matsukawa chuckled to themselves before picking a spot to change. 

Bokuto looked at the tape and saw Kuroo angrily getting his equipment on, “Man, just fuck off,” The capitan spat at the two. 

“I dunno I’m kind of uncomfortable with a gay in the dressing room,” Tanaka sighed and slumped back against the wall, “he should ask for a separate room,” he shrugged. 

“If you’re so uncomfortable maybe get your own fucking room man. No gay guys would even think about looking at you,” Bokuto said rolling his eyes. 

“Why’re you so obsessed with other guys anyway, huh?” Daichi spoke up, surprising almost everyone. Kuroo looked at both Daichi and Bokuto, shaking his head, urging them not to start anything. 

“The fuck are you insinuating?” Matsukawa stood up to face Daichi. 

Daichi shrugged unbothered by the way they looked at him with disgust, “Don’t you think it’s kind of weird you care so much about other guy’s lives,” 

Matsukawa said nothing before spiting at Daichi feet, “you’re all fags I swear, it’s fucking gross man,” he turned away from them before getting his equipment on. The whole changing room was quiet, the tension was so heavy on everyone. 

When Bokuto stepped on the ice he felt most tension within himself wash away. He skated around the ice, feeling the cold air through his helmet hit his face. He stretched his arms over his head twisting his core. He listened to the way his skates grinded into the ice, there wasn’t a thing he hated about skating. He felt so free, so comfortable, a feeling he never thought could be topped. 

As the coach blew the whistle signaling for everyone to gather around he grouped up with Kuroo and Daichi, his arms resting on the both of their shoulders. Coach explained the drills they would work on today to prepare for Tuesday's home game. The mention of the game made Bokuto giddy, he was excited to play a real game instead of constant drills. He was excited for Akaashi to watch him play. 

The sudden thought of wanting to watch Akaashi play consumed his mind. He knew Akaashi was a goalie, a good one from the stories he had heard about, but he wanted to see it in action. The whole practice Bokuto couldn’t stop thinking about Akaashi. His mind was consumed by the thought of him, the coach noticed something was off and called Bokuto to the side, “Why are you fumbling so much? Your hand still bothering you?”

“Sorry coach. My hand is much better now, I was just distracted. I'll work harder,” He said anxiously. The coach said nothing and waved him off. Bokuto resumed the rest of practice only now he was trying to push Akaashi out of his mind so he could play well. It didn't work well and he ended practice disappointed in himself. Everything he wanted to work on and try to improve just failed. The coach was yelling at him whenever he fumbled but no matter how hard he tried to pay attention whenever he messed up his first thought was how Akaashi would react seeing him play like this in a game. Last game he was so caught up in the fact he had Akaashi cheering him on he didn’t fully register the fact he was Akaashi’s favourite player. He started feeling the pressure of that now, would Akaashi be disappointed in him if he was off his game? What would happen if Akaashi chose a new favourite player? What if the only reason Akaashi liked him was because he was his favourite player and not because of who he really is? After practice was over he was visibly upset, Kuroo gave him a questioning glance only for him to shrug Kuroo off silently. 

A couple of the guys on their team took a shower in the changing room. It was a cube shaped shower room with several shower heads. The entryway to that shower was facing the bathroom stall. Inevitably, Kuroo got up from where he was sitting to change his under armour clothes with new fresh clothes. He never felt comfortable changing in front of everyone else so he would opt to go to the bathroom stall. This time, however, as soon as he started walking towards the direction of the bathroom Matsukawa spotted him, “Oi, stop trying to take a peak perv,”

Kuroo rolled his eyes, sure he hated homophobia, but honestly if they’re going to be openly homophobic maybe be more creative, “I’m changing in the stall,” he said passively before resuming his steps to the stall. 

“Nah, if anyone should be changing in the stalls it’s literally anyone else. No ones looking at you like you look at all the other guys,” 

“Literally who the fuck said I look at you guys? God, you think you know so much you really fucking don’t know shit. Why would I look at a bunch of sweaty annoying guys when I have a fucking boyfriend?” 

“All right,” Nishinoya said as he walked up behind Kuroo and pushed him towards the bathroom, “Tanaka, Matsukawa, I know you guys are uncomfortable but damn, chill out and let the man change for god sake,” Nishinoya pushed Kuroo into the stall and closed it acting as a bodyguard of the stall. 

“Why’re you defending him Noya?” Tanaka asked, genuinely curious. 

Nishinoya looked at one of his friends and squinted at him, “Because i’m not a dick?” Tanaka was very put off by this statement, “Did you guys know that over 400 species do gay shit?” He asked them with his arms folded against his chest. He was standing right in front of the two of them, “I don’t know why you hate gay guys so bad, if its some internal thing, or you’re religious of some sort but don’t say it’s unatural. In fact don’t try to come up with any excuse for being homophobic because I will literally slap you in the face with facts,” 

Kuroo had walked out of the stall as Nishinoya was talking to the two of them loud enough for everyone in the dressing room to hear. He awkwardly went back to the bench where Daichi and Bokuto were watching with their mouths open in shock. Until today Nishinoya never stood up to anything that was said in the room, especially not when it came to Tanaka. He and Tanaka had always been close friends, it wasn’t a secret when they started drifting apart because of Matsukawa. At least that's what everyone thought the reason was, “Why do you know all those stats anyway?” Matsukawa laughed.

“Because I’m bi and had to stand up for myself many times in my life because of people like you,” Nishinoya said puffing out his chest. Everyone in the room stopped what they were doing and stared at Nishinoya if they weren’t already. He turned to everyone in the room, “Kuroo made me feel comfortable enough coming out to all of you. If any of you start talking shit about Kuroo or I, i’ll fucking take you down. I’m tired of hearing the same boring insults, you’re pathetic,” He said confidently before turning away from them and walking to where his equipment was. 

The dressing room was quiet. Kuroo felt suffocated by the silence. He quickly finished putting his stuff away before standing up and leaving the room. Bokuto and Daichi followed close behind, no one said anything as they sat on a bench near the dressing room. Nishinoya was the next person to walk out, he scanned the rink before spotting the three people he was looking for and running over to them, as well as he could with his pads draped over his shoulder, “Hey, Kuroo! Bokuto and Daichi too!” He laughed, throwing his stuff on the ground before sitting on the bag and looking up at them. 

“Hey Noya,” Daichi said. Bokuto nodded at the man, his face still in moderate shock. Kuroo raised his hand in a sort of wave, “That was pretty ballsy of you,” Daichi commented with a smile. 

“I didn’t want Kuroo to feel alone, I know how hard it can be thinking you’re the only one,” He said with a smile. Kuroo looked at him, it blew his mind how happy Noya seemed after coming out to their whole team. He knew there was a possibility this could just be a mask for how he really felt but it seemed so genuine it kind of scared him. 

“Thanks Noya, that really means a lot,” Kuroo said with an uneasy, forced smile. 

“I wonder if anyone else on the team is queer,” Noya said leaning his chin on his hands.

“Isn’t there like one in five people gay or something?” Kuroo said, “Or is that just some random thing i’ve seen,” he said with a chuckle rubbing the back of his neck. 

Noya perked up, “I feel like I've read something like that before, I dont know how legit that stat is. But say it is true… We have like thirty people on our team, that would mean… six people would be gay,” he laughed, “Well we got two right here, we should scout out all the queer folk in our team if there are anymore,” Noya said with a mischievous grin.

“Well, you got three right here,” Daichi said with a grin. Noya’s face broke out into a huge smile.

“Four…” Bokuto whispered. He wasn’t actively participating in the conversation but he was listening to everything they were talking about. 

“Damn really?” Noya exclaimed, “This is so cool, oh my god i’m so excited, we can have our own gay hockey group chat,” He said pulling out his phone and making a groupchat as quick as he could, “Bokuto, Daichi, are you guys in a relationship? Don’t worry i’m not trying to hit on you guys,” He chuckled. 

“Yeah, i’m dating the guy I brought with me to the game the other day,” Daichi said with a fond smile.

“Hm, was it the brunette or the grey haired one?” Noya said thoughtfully. 

“Grey, his name is Suga. Are you dating anyone?” 

“Maybe? I dunno me and this guy are in a weird, ‘are we or are we not dating’ stage that neither of us want to bring up,” 

“Bokuto’s in a similar situation too,” Kuroo laughed, nudging the man who’s been silently staring at the ground. Bokuto shrugged silently. 

“Bokuto, are what those guys were saying bothering you?” Noya asked carefully. 

“Oh, no. I just didn't practice well,” 

“Still got a few shots past me, buddy. Try not to think too much about it. I’m sure you’ll be great during the game!” Bokuto faked a smile and nodded. He stood up, to which everyone followed him to the room where they kept all their equipment. Kuroo, Noya and Daichi were talking about something on the way to the room but Bokuto couldn’t pay attention. 

The more the thought about Akaashi the more his mind started to spiral. A heavy weight was forming on his chest, getting heavier and heavier every time he had a new thought pop up in his mind. First it started out with doubts about Akaashi, and what he meant to the man. Then it turned into his sexualilty, the heavy burden of being outed. Several people now knew he’s gay. The thought alone sparked panic through his body. Doubts about even being gay started to cloud his mind, he never thought these doubts would come up again. He thought he had figured it all out, he’s so sure he’s gay, so why does it feel like he’s lying to himself. Why would he even want to be gay? Why would his mind trick him like that? 

He let out a breath once he put his bag into the room and turned around to the guys who were watching him cautiously. Bokuto forced a huge smile on his face, it didn't reach his eyes but he knew it was as good as it’s going to get, “I’m going to run back to the dorms, see you guys when I see you,” He waved before rushing out of the room. Bokuto sprinted, as hard as he could to the dorms, the burn in his thighs, the air trying to force itself into his lungs was what he thought needed. He didn't stop until he reached the residence building. By the time he got to the front door he could barely breathe, he crouched over, his hands on his knees trying to regain his breath. He whispered curse words under his breath, finally happy he got the ugly thoughts out of his mind for the moment. 

Just as he was getting his breathing regulated someone came up behind him, “Hey… Are you alright?” A voice he didn't recognize pulled him out of his crouching position with slight fear. She had a very concerned look on her face as she scanned Bokuto.

“Oh,” He started, totally out of breath, “Yeah… Running…” He explained with his hands on his hips. Her face relaxed a bit and she nodded. 

She stuck out her hand politely, “My name’s Akiara, what's yours,” 

Bokuto wiped his hands on his pants before shaking her hand, “Bokuto, Koutaro,” He said simply. 

“Sorry, i’m a nursing student so I was a little alarmed seeing someone hunched over like that! Are you doing okay? You don't have asthma or anything?” She asked, prolonging the conversation more than Bokuto wanted. 

“Nah, I'm fine, I just pushed too hard I guess,” He shrugged looking behind him to the front door of the residence building, “I better get going…” He said simply.

“Oh, I live in the dorms too, let me at least walk you up to your dorm. It would be unfortunate if you passed out alone,” She said opening the door for him. Bokuto agreed wearily walking through the door with a slight nod of appreciation. Akiara followed his lead, “So, are you an athlete or just really like running?” He asked with a small chuckle. 

“Oh, I’m on the hockey team,” he said softly. Though saying those words he felt a sudden spark of confidence. He loved being about to say he was on the hockey team, despite how shitty some of his teammates were. 

“Really? That's so cool! I think hockey’s neat but I haven't been able to go to a college game yet,” she pouted. Bokuto chuckled beside her.

“Well if you’re not busy our next game is on Tuesday, and it’s a home game so we’ll be playing in the arena here!” He said with a small smile. 

Akiara looked up to him with stars in her eyes, before she looked away with a pout, “Isn’t the time to buy tickets already over?” 

Bokuto thought for a moment, realizing he never really thought about how they let spectators in, “I hadn’t thought about that… Hey, I'm pretty sure everyone on the team can get someone in for free. I’ve never done it before so I don't really get how it works,” 

“You’d do that for me?” He asked, blush spreading across her face. 

“I don't see why not-” 

She cut him off, “Here, let me put my number in your phone and once you find out, you can let me know! I would love to watch you..r team play!” She exclaimed. Bokuto shrugged, giving her his phone to allow her to input her number. By that time they made it to Bokuto’s room.

“Well, this is me,” He gestured to the door, “See you later then, yeah?” He nodded at her. She nodded happily and skipped down the hall away from his room. 

“Who was that?” A voice cut through the moment of silence he got while unlocking his door. He jumped and turned to see Kuroo standing there leaning against the door frame. 

“What are you, my mom?” He asked, rolling his eyes. 

“I thought you were gay,” Kuroo said as a joke. The joke flew right over Bokuto’s head causing an uproar of rage Bokuto didn’t even know he was holding in.

“What the fuck is it to you?” He said. Kuroo backed up with his hands in front of him, his smirk wiped clean off his face, “Because i’m gay I cant talk to girls? Hop off my fucking ass will ya?” With that said Bokuto slammed his door shut. His hands clenched at his side, god he wanted to punch something so badly. He looked at the wall, clenched his right hand and brought it up as if he were going to punch it as hard as he could, but he stopped himself. He unclenched his hand and looked at it, he was shaking. His hand couldn’t stop trembling, the only way to get it to stop was to clench so he did, he walked to his bed and sat on his knees looking at the pillow. It was the pillow Akaashi had behind his back the time they had their serious talk. He grabbed it before putting it in front of him and started to punch it. He released all the anger he had out on the pillow, grunting angrily with every punch. After a couple minutes of punching he felt a tear on his face, he stopped to wipe it. He turned back to the pillow as another tear rolled down his cheek. He wasn’t sad, why was he crying? If anything the tears just made him more frustrated, he felt weak, pathetic even. 

He fell onto the bed and clutched the pillow. He wanted to message Akaashi, he wanted to know what the man was doing, how his day was going. He stared at their previous conversation before turning off his phone. He didn’t know what to make of his emotions, all he knew were that they weren’t what he wanted. Akaashi kept popping up in his head and he’s been having outbursts pathetically like this? Maybe Akaashi was the problem… No. Akaashi was amazing, Bokuto really liked him. So why was his mind working overtime in trying to make him into a villain. His mind was truly the worst villain, but that was something he couldn’t understand yet, something he didn't  _ want _ to understand. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a lil more frustration and sad times before happy times I swear   
> (even though I already have a couple fights planned out) It will all be okay, I swear 
> 
> -hunter :)


	9. am I wrong

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heres chap 9 ... take it

Monday night Akaashi checked his phone, it was almost 9 pm and he has yet to receive a text from Bokuto since he left on Saturday. Usually Bokuto would text him at least once a day; he figured Bokuto just needed some time. He didn't know what for but whatever the reason for his absence was but he wanted to respect his distance. 

The time he spent without contact with Bokuto was a freeing time for him to think about everything. He thought about relationships, something he was very inexperienced with. He thought about the way he felt about Bokuto. That was an easy conclusion, he liked him, and he wanted to be his boyfriend. There was no doubt in his mind he wanted to be able to call Bokuto his boyfriend. Every time he would even think about having that privilege his heart pounded in his chest. Sure, it might just be romanticized anxiety, but he wanted to look at it positively. It was a huge step for him even to admit he wanted a boyfriend let alone who he wanted that boyfriend to be. 

He wanted to text Kenma to ask him if he had any insight from Kuroo about what could be going on, but he knew if Bokuto wanted to tell him, he would. He hasn’t talked to Kenma either for a while, though that wasn’t as alarming. He and Kenma both weren’t the best texters, put together you got maybe one text between the two every two days. Their best bet was to call each other if something was urgent, but Akaashi felt like he would sound dumb or like he’s being dramatic or clingy. 

Either way Akaashi was excited for their game tomorrow night. It was a home game to which he had already bought a year pass for the hockey games. He looked on his desk and saw his camera. He thought back to one of their first conversations he had with Bokuto where he was told to take photos. He never did. Tomorrow he would. He felt a sudden excitement he hasn't felt in a long time. He was excited to see Bokuto again, see him play, and hopefully be able to talk to him after the game. 

The day of the game Suga had texted him, asking if he was going to watch. Akaashi said yes, knowing if he didn't respond now Suga would blow his phone up with texts. Suga told him to meet him outside the arena so they could watch together, and Akaashi agreed. The past few days Suga and Akaashi had been talking more and becoming more friendly outside of just their work. Akaashi realized how spontaneous he could be and just really random. He was also very up to date with internet slang that Akaashi had never heard before. Overall they had an interesting friendship dynamic but Akaashi felt good about it, he thinks they balance each other out pretty well. 

Akaashi waited outside of the arena like Suga asked. He had his camera bag strapped over his shoulder, “Keiji!” Suga said loudly as he approached him waving. Suga begged Akaashi to let him use his first name, it felt unusual for people to call him that other than his parents but he decided it wouldn’t hurt, “Oh! Are you planning on taking pictures today?” He asked with clear excitement, “You should take a couple of Daichi for me, I know all you wanna fill your camera roll up with is Bokuto, but please sir just one photo,” He said putting his hands together in front of his chest, faking that he was praying. 

Akaashi scoffed, “Yeah, yeah, come on, let's go,” They got into the line where they’re checking admission passes. 

As the girl in front of them got to the table Akaashi couldn’t help but overhear what she said, “I should be under Bokuto Koutaro,” the man at the table asked her name before asking for a piece of ID, “Akiara, here’s my ID,” Her voice was cheery as the man at the table nodded and let her through. Akaashi stared at the girl in confusion as she walked away. Suga gave the man his name and ID much like the last girl before he was let in. Akaashi showed the man his pass to which he waved him in as well. 

“Who is she?” Suga asked, they were watching her chat with a group of girls who looked way too dolled up for a hockey game. 

“...Maybe a relative?” Akaashi tried to reason. He knew that was a bad guess, she was obviously a college student here, and did not have the name of the two sisters Bokuto had talked about, “A cousin? Maybe?” Suga shrugged, he was curious but not curious enough to think much of it. Suga grabbed Akaashi’s wrist and pulled him towards the stands, “Where do you want to sit?” Akaashi asked. 

Suga looked at the crowd and pointed to the home teams bench, “Would they hate us if we sat right behind them on the bench?” He chuckled not hiding his mischievous look. 

Once they got to the seats, subtly behind the glass of the home bench Akaashi tested out his camera, making sure he had a good spot he was able to take pictures from. He honestly wasn’t sure if he was even allowed to be taking pictures with a professional camera without permission but he shrugged off the thought. If anything he would just tell whoever tried to stop him he was taking pictures for the school or something. The glass behind the team’s bench was probably the clearest glass around the whole rink. It wasn’t often that pucks would fly into the glass leaving marks upon it like most of the other glass. Of course he would much rather be up at the top of the stands peering down over the glass but he figured it was just personal photos so they didn’t have to be too professional. 

Before the game began both teams did an on ice warm up for ten minutes. Most the men on the team were looking around the stands for either family or friends while skating around the ice and stretching. Akaashi watched Bokuto skate and furrowed his eyebrows. Having watched many of their games he knew Bokuto would always have the free skate around their zone beside someone (usually Kuroo), but today he was alone. The captain was looking straight ahead where he was skating, not sparing a glance to the stands. When they began their shooting warm up Bokuto didn't talk to the people in line, he watched his other teammate’s shots on net. After warm up was over both teams gathered the pucks used and headed back to the dressing room for another fifteen minutes before the game started. Akaashi pulled out his phone and shot Bokuto a quick text.

_ Akaashi _

Good luck. I’ll be cheering you on. 

He wasn’t sure if Bokuto was the type to go on his phone before a game but he hoped he saw the good luck message.

“Why are they shoveling the snow?” Suga asked while eating some popcorn he had in his bag. 

Akaashi reached over for some popcorn, “snow slows the puck,” He said quietly. He ate the popcorn thinking back to his hockey days, “Something I used to do a lot when I was a goalie was gather all the snow from my crease and put them against the posts of the net,” He chuckled, “It made wrap arounds harder for the players and if it goes in it’s harder for the ref to see the puck cross the goal line so I could kick it out or cover it,” Akaashi smiled at the memory. 

“That sounds like an illegal move,” Suga said in shock, “Did they not clear the snow?” 

Akaashi shook his head and leaned back in the chair, propping his foot on the back of the chair in front of them, “they didn’t shovel or clean the ice for us. They only cleaned the ice after the game,” He shrugged, “Some refs got mad at me for having little snow piles and would come by to kick it,” Suga laughed. 

Akaashi leaned his head on his hand, elbow on his knee. Whenever he talks about his hockey experience he gets such a surge of mixed emotions. He felt his chest constrict thinking about the positive memories he had, unfortunately the feeling turned sour fast with the realization he can’t feel that again. He missed hockey, even though he tries to convince himself watching others play is good enough he knew it wasn’t. He wanted to have the feeling of the stick in his hand, the weight and feeling of his equipment strapped to him, but he knew he couldn’t. The reality of at all crushed him more than he wanted to admit, he had to come to terms with the fact he would never find something that gave him the same rush of adrenaline he felt while playing. How it felt watching the other team breakthrough and head towards him with the determination to beat him. He tried, but nothing was the same. 

When both teams came back to the ice they lined up on the goal line. The game’s announcer began to read out the starting line ups for both teams. The scoreboard screen above the ice lit up with a photo and small details about the player such as home town, height and position of each of the players as they skated forward to the blue line. Once they finished announcing the starting line up all the players skated to the blue line, and took off their helmets for the national anthem to play. 

The starting lines set up around the circle in the middle of the ice for the first face off. The first few minutes of play was always Akaashi’s favourite to watch. Both teams fight for possession of the puck, trying to assert dominance upon one another. Each team trying to prove their standing or show their growth through their aggression and plays. They’re trying to set the pace for the game, set the steering wheel in one of their favours to show eachother up. Right off the bat Akaashi could tell Bokuto was going to be playing very offensively throughout the game. He was in close proximity to where the puck was but also ensuring that if the other team gained possession he would be able to stop them before they got too close to his goalie. Bokuto often would linger closer to the puck on his especially offensive plays in case the puck trickled a little further from the play to where he could easily pick it up and apply pressure on the other team. 

Half way through the first period Daichi saw both Akaashi and Suga behind the glass of their bench as he was getting off the ice. He looked up with a smile, Suga waved with a blinding smile, “look how handsome he is,” Suga said exasperatedly. Akaashi looked to where Suga was referring too and scoffed before sending Daichi a nod of acknowledgement. 

“You can barely see him,” Akaashi pointed out. All Suga could see of his boyfriend is his face through his helmet, obviously everything else was covered with equipment. Suga stuck his tongue out in response and turned back to the game. The puck was being carried down the ice to the offensive zone when one of the defences on the ice, Koganegawa, tapped his stick on the ice looking for someone to switch with him. Bokuto swung his legs over the boards and stepped into play. Akaashi turned on his camera, he adjusted the settings on it as he looked through the lens and found Bokuto in view. The other team had a smooth breakout of their zone and were headed towards the middle of the ice. Bokuto was skating backwards, his stick in front of him as he forced the other team's player with the puck further towards the boards. Akaashi snapped a couple shots before Bokuto safely body checked the player with the puck effectively making the man lose control of it. Bokuto recovered quickly, retrieving the puck before passing it to their centre, Aran. Bokuto skated fast down the ice with two of his forwards. Aran passed the puck to Iwaizumi who was on the far left near the boards just after they passed the blue line, successfully making it into the other team’s zone. 

One of the defenses on the other team challenged Iwaizumi while the other was covering Aran who was skating around the middle trying to shake the defense off him to get free. Bokuto called for the puck as he was behind the net, the other team had yet to go near him. Iwaizumi took the opportunity to pass the puck along the boards to where Bokuto was. Once Bokuto had the puck on his stick he looked up to where everyone was. The right winger who he had basically stole the position of was covering his part of the ice, there was no one around him. Bokuto sent him the puck with a strong on ice pass, the majority of the crowd was yelling at him, “Shoot from the point”. Atsumu checked his surroundings, he felt weird being so far back from the net, he wasn’t used to being in the position of a defense. He skated forward, his head up to see where his teammates were placed before seeing the left defence wide open. Normally Atsumu would only pass when necessary, today however he wasn’t feeling too confident in his longer shots so he passed the puck to Inuoka who winded up quickly for a slap shot. Their goalie went down in a butterfly perfectly squared with the shot that was taken. The puck was deflected by one of their defence leading it towards the right side of the ice. The goalie pushed to the right still in his butterfly position only to be screened by three or four players on the ice. The puck made its way to Bokuto, he felt the heaviness on his stick before he lifted the puck over the shoulder of the goalie. The ref blew the whistle, arm extended towards the net. 

The four of his teammates skated towards Bokuto and patted his head in congratulations. He had a small smile on his face but it quickly disappeared as they were skating back to the bench. As Bokuto got back on the bench, Akaashi noticed the lack of smile he would usually be able to see, even from the stands. Akaashi noted he also didn’t celebrate his own goal as he normally would. Suga was sitting next to him clapping along with the crowd and smiling brightly at the replay of the goal on screen. Akaashi smiled lightly as well, but it didn’t get rid of the worry he felt for Bokuto. 

At the end of the first period the teams went to their respective changing rooms as the ice was cleaned, “Who do you think is gonna win? No favouritism, based on what you saw this period what’s your thoughts?” Suga asked, turning to him. 

Akaashi thought for a second. The other team was good, there was no denying that. In a game where both teams are good and giving their all it will always be difficult to tell the outcome of a game. So many small things could happen that could lead to a fluke goal and totally switch the direction of the game, “Both teams are strong,” He started slowly, “We have a one up on them right now, and by the looks of the end of this period they were good at keeping the plays out of our zone. If they can keep it up for two more periods, keep the pressure and offensive plays to what they were doing I think we have a good shot in the game. We might be able to get another goal if we keep at it. Nishinoya is looking really solid in nets today as well, they haven't had many shots on net but a couple of one’s he has saved weren’t the easiest,” He pointed out, “If he keeps his attention and continues to play how he has been I believe he has a good shot at getting a shutout,” Akaashi looked back to Suga who was looking at him and nodding but also typing something on his phone at the same time. Akaashi could ask how he was texting without glancing at the keyboard but sighed, shaking his head slightly. He assumed Suga hadn’t really fully cared for the long explanation of his answer, just looking for a team name as a response. 

“I was listening, I swear. I didn't think you were gonna analyse it all but yeah… So you think we would be able to win this, huh?” Suga said, finally putting his phone down. Akaashi nodded shortly before pulling out his own phone, “I wanted to tell Daichi he looked sexy out there don't be mad,” He pouted holding onto Akaashi’s jacket sleeve. Akaashi shrugged him off with a soft smile, to let him know there were no hard feelings. Suga smiled before changing topics, “So… You and Bokuto, how’s that been going?” Akaashi shrugged, “Y’all aren't official yet?” Akaashi said no as if it was obvious, “Well… Are you waiting for him to make a move or are you gonna do it?” 

Suga just kept asking more and more so Akaashi sighed and looked at him, “I don’t know, Suga. I don’t know how relationships work, I’ve never had a real one so,” Akaashi trailed off. 

“Well, that won’t do. You both like each other and told each other so…? What’s the issue?”

“I got scared I guess,” He shrugged, watching the zamboni leave the ice. 

“Do you think he’s any less scared?” Suga said, his face unimpressed with the excuse Akaashi had offered, “I feel like he’s never been in a relationship,” Suga said after a while.

“What makes you say that?” Akaashi quirked up his eyebrow. Akaashi felt like Bokuto used to be the kind of teenager who would date anyone and everyone, with his looks he could get away with it easily. 

“Just a guess,” Suga smiled. 

The game continued, the second period was spent mostly in the offensive zone giving Akaashi a perfect opportunity to get several pictures of Bokuto, Daichi and Kuroo. He was quite happy with the results of the pictures he had taken. He put away his camera deeming it was enough for the game and allowed him to focus even more on the game in front of him. The opposing team's goalie started to look tired and his moves became sloppy. Akaashi sympathized with the goalie, he knew how tiring it was to have to be in the stance he held for so long when they are constantly in your zone. Even though he sympathized with the goalie he couldn’t help but to hope their team would be able to use it to their advantage. The other team was struggling to get the puck out of the zone as Bokuto’s team were passing the puck continuously, exhausting all the other players in a game of chase. Despite the possession being mostly in their favour the opposing team had a lucky break as one of the defences fumbled the puck out of the zone. Before he could retrieve the puck the other team took the puck and iced the puck. It was a cheap cop out but they haven’t had a line change in a long while so their exhaustion must’ve driven the play. 

Despite the fact they had an advantage over the other team most of the period they were unable to score again leaving Bokuto’s team in the lead 1-0. As the team was leaving through the door behind their bench Bokuto glanced towards the stands in passing only to see Akaashi looking at him. Akaashi smiled at him, Bokuto felt his heart stop, he gave a tight awkward smile and looked away before Akaashi disappeared from his view. He pulled off his helmet as he got into the change room and threw his gloves on the ground sitting down on the bench. He ran his fingers through his hair, which was soaked in sweat. He was finally able to get Akaashi off his mind during the game today but seeing him made everything he was trying to avoid resurface. 

Daichi had been sitting in between Kuroo and Bokuto all day today. He didn’t know what happened between the two but Bokuto didn’t even want to look at him today, Kuroo rolled his eyes in response to the silent treatment but respected his wishes. Kuroo did say that he would be breaking into Bokuto’s dorm tonight so they could talk, Bokuto pretended not to hear him. 

Their coach came in to talk to everyone and told them the basic generic things he usually said before leaving them to wait the last five minutes before the ice was clean. Daichi was talking about something with Kuroo, Bokuto just looked at his hands before reaching for his phone. When he opened it he saw a text from Akaashi. He was trying to fill his head with just hockey but of course he had to see the good luck message which only fueled his thoughts once again. He put his phone away and sat staring at the ground for the last few minutes of their break. 

Soon enough the coach beckoned them to get back on the ice. The third period was not to Bokuto’s standards. He fell back very defensively, not finding any kind of push or motivation to play offensively. The coach walked behind him once he had come back to the bench after a couple shifts and leaned down, “I didn’t say you couldn’t play up a bit more. You’re playing well, don't get psyched out,” His coach said hitting his shoulder. Bokuto rolled his eyes at the comment before grabbing his water bottle, squirting a bit in his mouth. 

The game finished with the same score of 1-0. Everyone skated to Nishinoya to give him a pat. Some guys were very obviously uncomfortable with Nishinoya ever since he came out but it didn’t shake the goalie much. The dressing room was humming with joy as they were undressing from their equipment. Kuroo was the first one to leave the changing room, not wanting to deal with his annoying teammates. Normally he would wait for Bokuto to finish but it was clear that Bokuto wouldn’t care if he stayed. As Kuroo was walking out of the rink Akaashi and Suga stopped him, “Hey Kuroo! Where are Daichi and Bokuto?” Suga asked before adding quickly, “You played great today by the way,” 

Kuroo chuckled, “They’re still changing. They should be out soon,” he looked to Akaashi who put his hand up in a small wave, “Hey, you should try to talk to Bokuto,” He said, directed to Akaashi. Kuroo dismissed himself and left the arena before he could bump into anyone else he might’ve known or would bring up his post. Suga looked over to Akaashi, he just shrugged. 

A couple minutes Bokuto and Daichi walked out with Nishinoya next to the two. Nishinoya was talking excitedly to Daichi who smiled and talked back easily, “Daichi!” Suga said, eyes sparkling. 

“Hey,” He said simply, “Noya, this is Suga,” 

Nishinoya’s eyes widened, “Ahh, you pick em good Daichi,” He said, nudging the taller man with a laugh. 

Suga laughed, “I think it’s fair to say i’m the one who knows how to pick em,” 

Bokuto looked up at Akaashi as he approached the hockey player, “Bokuto,” He raised the camera bag, “I took some pictures,” Bokuto looked at the bag and nodded muttering a small ‘cool’. He looked around the lobby and saw a lot of people gathered in smaller groups, “Can we talk?” Akaashi said quietly, the concern was clear in both his expression and voice. Bokuto thought for a long moment before shrugging, “Can we go to yours?” 

“I guess,” Bokuto shrugged. 

Akaashi turned to the other three who were talking about something he couldn’t be bothered with, “Suga, Bokuto and I are leaving,” Suga nodded with a small smile. Akaashi looked at Daichi and Nishinoya, “You guys played well,” He said before leaving with a nod. 

Bokuto and Akaashi made their way to the exit before they were stopped by the girl Akaashi saw at the beginning of the game, “Bokuto!” She said happily walking up to them, “You played so well. Want to come back to my dorm to celebrate?” She said, her voice turned suggestive. Akaashi held back a cringe but turned to Bokuto to see how he reacted to her suggestion. 

“Ah, glad you could make it Akiara. Maybe another time, I’ll text you,” He said with a simple smile. Her excitement faded but she nodded before throwing Akaashi a quizzical look and leaving. Akaashi said nothing about the interaction but made sure he would bring it up later. 

The walk to the residence building was dead quiet. There was obvious tension between the two, neither of them wanted to try to ease it. Bokuto opened his dorm room before asking Akaashi if he could shower quickly, he nodded. His heart was racing in his chest, he honestly didn’t know why Bokuto was acting so strange, he didn't think he did anything wrong. Akaashi spent the time Bokuto was in the shower to think of how he even wanted to approach a subject that was still unknown to him. Akaashi played with his hands, picked at his nails in anxiousness, but stopped abruptly when he heard the running water of the shower stop. When Bokuto came out of the bathroom he was fully dressed unlike the last time. He threw his towel in his laundry bin and sat on the bed as Akaashi was sitting on a chair. 

Bokuto stared at him leaning back on his hands, his eyes were dull and bore into Akaashi’s. The coldness of the stare made him shiver in discomfort, “Is everything okay?” Akaashi managed to say after a couple moments of silence. Bokuto shrugged, “Bokuto… I don’t know if I did something to piss you off but we can’t fix it if you don’t talk to me,” He reasoned. Bokuto’s tough facade started to crumble and Akaashi noticed quickly, “Tell me what's on your mind?” Akaashi begged quietly. 

Bokuto’s lip started to tremble very slightly, he bit it in order to stop it, “There’s a lot,” He said finally, “On my mind that is… just so much,” He breathed shakily. Akaashi nodded slowly, “Mostly you,” he continued. Akaashi gave him a confused look only for him to sigh exaggeratedly, “I can’t help but think… A bunch of things, about you, about me. Us,” 

Akaashi nodded again, “Can you let me in?” he tried. Bokuto moved his hand into his lap and looked down to his hands, “Can we clear it up?” 

Bokuto rubbed his hands over his face, “What if i’m not gay?” He said weakly. Just as Akaashi was going to respond he continued in a small voice, “I don’t want to be,” 

The familiarity of all this hit Akaashi like a truck. He stood up with a sigh, he sat next to Bokuto on the bed. He flinched slightly but let Akaashi sit beside him, “If you don’t want to be you can always go date women. No one’s stopping you,” Akaashi said bluntly. Bokuto looked up at him with a look of disbelief, “Am I wrong?” Akaashi asked softly. Bokuto thought for a moment before shaking his head, “How does that statement feel?”

“Wrong,” Bokuto said softly. 

“You know when I told you about me being trans? When I told you I tried to be ultra feminine to try to be the woman I knew my mom wanted?” Bokuto nodded, “Well, here I am now. Living my life as a guy,” Akaashi sighed and moved closer to him, “We can try to convince ourselves to live how other people want us to live, at the end of the day no one wins. We won’t be happy, everyone around us won’t know who we are, but they’ll feel the effects of our unhappiness,” Bokuto breathed in deeply through his nose as he tried blinking back his tears, “I’m not trying to tell you how to live your life. You can choose to go date a woman, you can choose to not date or marry anyone. Bokuto, I think you know more about yourself than what you let on,” Akaashi placed a soft hand on Bokuto’s knee. Bokuto wiped his face quickly, trying to clear the rapidly falling tears. Akaashi reached out with one hand to stop his hands from wiping his tears away, “You don’t have to hide any part of yourself from me, Bokuto. I’ll admit, I wanted to push you away at first,” Bokuto looked at him through his tears, his face turned into a huge frown, “But,” He interjected, “I’ve been thinking a lot too. Bokuto, you’re going to have a hard time getting rid of me,” Akaashi gave him a reassuring smile. Bokuto looked down to his hand and saw it was resting in Akaashi’s. Part of himself screamed at him to pull away, to kick him out of his room. The other part melted into it, craving more of his touch, screaming at him to pull him into a hug. 

“Akaashi…” His voice broke and he internally cringed because of it. 

“You don’t have to say anything,” he whispered.

“Akaashi, can we go on a date?” 

Akaashi let out a breath he didn’t know he was holding, “I would love to,” he gave Bokuto’s hand a small squeeze. There was still much more Akaashi and he had to talk about but this was enough for now. Akaashi sat back against the backboard, Bokuto hesitated before following his lead. Akaashi patted his lap urging Bokuto to rest his head on his thighs. Bokuto looked up at him through his wet eyelashes, he received a small reassuring smile. The smile made him cave and rest his head on his lap. The TV was flicked on playing some cartoon neither of them knew of. Akaashi hesitated before slowly running his hands through Bokuto’s damp hair. Soon enough Bokuto found himself falling asleep, Akaashi’s presence calming his mind for the moment. 

Bokuto was woken up by several loud knocks on the door. He jerked awake, startling Akaashi who had also fallen asleep at some point, “who’s that?” Akaashi asked, rubbing his eyes. 

Bokuto shrugged as he stood up from the bed to open the door. He opened it enough to stick his head out, “let’s talk,” Kuroo demanded, pushing the door open. He spotted Akaashi sitting on the bed and froze, “Oh, sorry I didn’t know you were here Akaashi,” Bokuto frowned as Akaashi got up announcing he should probably leave anyway. He walked out the door quickly before saying his goodbye and walking down the hall.

“Kuro,” Bokuto sighed. 

“You gonna tell me what that whole scene was yesterday?” Kuroo tried saying with the least amount of attitude he could muster. He pushed past him and sat on the bed with an unamused expression. Bokuto was leaning against a wall, irritated with the fact he had to even talk about this today. He was mentally exhausted and wanted nothing more but to curl up in bed and watch brain numbing videos until he fell back asleep. 

“Just have a lot on my mind man,” He ended up saying. 

Kuroo looked at him, his expression radiating how unamused he was by the answer, “Me too but at least I don’t lash out on my friends,” Bokuto rolled his eyes, “Why are you still giving me that attitude,” He sat up gesturing with his hands. 

“I honestly don’t know what you want me to say here, Kuroo,” His voice was calm, hoping he wouldn’t set off Kuroo’s rage. 

“Oh, I don't know maybe something along the lines of ‘I’m sorry for lashing out on you when we’re both going through a difficult time. How about we confide in eachother like friends and not have dumb childish fights.’” He said in a mocking tone.

“And you’re calling me childish?” Bokuto deadpanned. 

Kuroo closed his eyes and calmed his breathing, “Bokuto, can we just talk instead of fighting like a couple of hetero guys,” he said with an attempted grin to lighten the mood. Bokuto rolled his eyes but sat down on the chair in front of him anyway, “Is this about Akaashi?” Bokuto shrugged, “He was just here so did you guys clear it all up…?” Kuroo pushed.

“It’s mainly a me thing, I don't know what to tell you,” Bokuto shrugged.

“Are you getting cold feet because you like Akaashi?” When Bokuto didn’t respond Kuroo nodded, “Dude, it’s obvious you’re still coming to terms with being gay, that’s okay but you’re gonna feel worse if you don’t talk about it,” Bokuto bit back a snarky remark, deciding to shrug instead. Kuroo threw himself back on the bed with a sigh. He honestly didn’t know what else to say, “Are you mad at me?” He decided to ask eventually. Bokuto responded that he wasn’t, “Okay, can you act like it then?”

They were both quiet for a minute before Bokuto let out an exaggerated exhale, “I’m sorry Kuroo. I’ve been a bad friend, especially when you literally came out to prove a point to me,” Kuroo sat up and smiled. He quickly popped up to his feet and attacked Bokuto in an aggressive hug, “It’s hard to see all the things people have said about you, I kept thinking about how I would feel when people say that about me… But it took me too long to realize you’re literally the one people are talking about, not the hypothetical me in the future,” Bokuto sighed once Kuroo finally set him free. 

“I’ve got a great boyfriend who’s helping me through it so don’t worry. I just wished I had my best bro with me too. You two are my biggest support through all this and it just hurt to see you so distant,” Kuroo said seriously. 

Bokuto groaned into his hands, “Fuck man i’m really sorry,” 

Kuroo smiled, “You’re here now,” Bokuto nodded and smiled softly. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> lately been feeling insecure about how many words are in this fic. I wanna finish this so its not like 100k sooooo i've scrapped a couple ideas to do with akiara ._. I now feel like i've added her with no purpose ahhhh lmfao rip.   
> Anyway comment your thoughts, if you wanttttt I love reading comments :) 
> 
> -hunter 
> 
> (I'm adding names to chapters so I don't know if it sends notifs to people subscribed when I do but like dont worry bout it, kay bye)

**Author's Note:**

> Tags will be updated as the story progresses so like , keep an eye out :)
> 
> leave a comment if ya wanttttt, I appreciate them a lot, constructive criticism, your thoughts, anything else means a lot :)


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